Don't Make Me Shank You

I Try, You Buy: CuCu Cute Cube Candy

2011-04-27T20:00:00.007-05:00

Once again, my Japanese candy buying leaves me with something that I find entirely unappealing. I have only myself to blame.

Not having any knowledge of the Japanese language (spoken or written) means I'm usually buying these things based on:
1. Pictures on the packaging
2. Prior knowledge of a product
3. The mandatory English-language ingredients label on the back (there's usually a cursory translation of the product).

I picked up this candy thinking it was some sort of red bean/green tea chewy candy. That was only partially correct.

What I got was a hard candy that was all creamy matcha flavour. It was like a green tea Werther's Original. Yarg.

I don't know if a different texture or a more pronounced red bean flavour would have helped make this more palatable to me, but I definitely found this lacking. Plus, the Werther's-iness didn't help (I hate those things).

I'm sure part of the problem is that I prefer the sweet, citrusy "green tea"-type flavours typically found in American candy to the more authentic matcha flavour produced here.

I shared these with co-workers who had similar feelings.

The one area in which this candy completely delivered for me was the "Cute" aspect. Check this out:

It's a dog made of candy!

Not to mention some of the individual wrappers:

A candy dachsund and a candy shiba inu? Love!

What it is:
A 1/2" cube of matcha-flavoured hard candy

Who should buy it:
People who like matcha; people who love pictures of dogs made out of candy

Who shouldn't buy it:
People (like me) who don't like creamy matcha flavours; people (again, like me) who hate Werther's Originals

Cost: I think this was around $2 at Mitsuwa; being too dumb to tell that this wasn't chewy before I bit in to it? Priceless.

Pokemon

2011-04-23T09:50:00.005-05:00

Source: Johnny Wander (via Reddit)

I thought this was pretty cute, but the pedantic biology nerd that dwells deep within me rages every time one of my Pokemon "evolves".

Just got Chang'ed

2011-04-22T13:08:00.004-05:00

Chet Manley, a commenter over at WarmingGlow made these animated gifs from last night's Community. I imagine they'll be all over the place in a matter of days (hours? I don't know how internet time works any more), but I'm putting them here instead of bookmarking so I can have quick access.

Awwww, yeah.

The whole "Chang gets greased up and goes in the vents" thing instantly made me think of the Simpsons episode, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badassss Song". Unfortunately, I couldn't find a clip of Groundskeeper Willie chasing Santa's Little Helper in the air ducts. Someday I'll stop being such a lazy bastard and learn how to make my own video clips.

Drinksgiving 2010: Aftermath

2010-11-27T10:13:00.003-06:00

I'm pleased to say that I made it through all 9 booze groups this year:

Beer - Furthermore Fallen Apple
Brandy - [substitution] Knob Creek Bourbon & Soda
Cordial - Coffee & Peppermint Mocha Kahlua
Gin - Tanquery Rangpur & Tonic
Rum - Bacardi & Diet Coke
Tequilla - Jose Cuervo Tequilla Sunrise
Vodka - Bloody Mary with Absolut
Whiskey - Glenlivet Nadurra 16 year Scotch
Wine/Sake - Boniko Sake

If you're going to engage in a day-long drinkathon, remember to eat and stay hydrated. My Thanksgiving day meal wound up being a batch of homemade spicy squash macaroni & cheese (my MI:5 watching a few years ago taught me something, something fats and alcohol) and a bunch of plain vegetable sides (healthy, to offset the booze consumed). I stocked the fridge with a few litres of water and a big container of coconut water, and rehydrated like a marathon runner.

Then, there are the movies. With this year's theme, I was initially concerned that I wouldn't be able to find enough movies to watch and would be stuck watching the first three Resident Evils and a slew of Pokemon movies. So. Very. Wrong. Much like last year, I wound up with a stack of movies that I couldn't fit in. I thought that watching that many crap-ass movies would kill my urge to watch any more, but before the weekend is over I know that I'll be watching Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.

Drinksgiving 2010

2010-11-25T08:22:00.043-06:00

Movie 1: Resident Evil
Drink: Coffee with Peppermint Mocha Kahlua (cordial)

Sweet Jebus, I love this Peppermint Mocha Kahlua.

0824: I've seen this movie so many times, and I always seem to forget that the first 30 minutes exist.

0830: Also, did that computer animation (like, the maps and shit) look sophisticated when this was made?

0837: That's right; there's really no point in watching this until the killer laser hallway. Possibly no reason to continue, but I started this and I'm going to end it.

0852: I love movie/TV labs with their flasks full of brightly colored water.

0901: Gah! Hair and fingernails do not continue to grow, you stupid movie computer brain thing. Don't base your fake movie science around something that's debunked by 5th grade science class.

0923: Oh, Paul WS Anderson, you're all inexplicable musical cues and shoddy attempts at misdirection. Don't ever change.

0935: My copy of this movie has all three on a single DVD. I can't tell if the first one ended and the second started without end credits, or if this movie is actually still going.

0937: No, that movie was totally over.

Movie 2: Max Payne
Drink: Bloody Mary (vodka)

0939: WTF? Did this DVD just play a non-smoking ad? More WTF? Don Draper and Jennifer Connoly were in the Day the Earth Stood Still remake?

0951: Marky Mark's opening narration - he's doing the Christian Bale Batman thing. I wonder if he talks like that for the entire movie.

1000: He doesn't, but Mila Kunis up in this bitch.

1008: Most of what I remember about the game is shooting shit. Were the druggy winged-shadow freakouts part of the game?

1017: Beau Bridges & Chris O'Donnell? This movie has the weirdest cast.

1053: For a guy who's supposed to be all pissed off and vengance-y, Marky Mark is profoundly bland.

1113: As much as the acting sucks and the plotline is incomprehensible, this movie looks amazing.

1119: Drink 3: Tequila Sunrise (tequila) And I should amend my previous comment. The set design looks amazing, the fire & demon cgi looks like ass.

Movie 3: Double Dragon

1140: You can play online here: http://nintendo8.com/game/745/double_dragon/ I got so distracted playing that I totally forgot that I was watching a movie

1144: I knew Scott Wolf was in this, but I didn't know that Robert Patrick would be the stereotypical 90's villain.

1151: I love movies that show us recent past as the future. Silly movie, there aren't any station wagons to convert in to rocket cars any more. Strangely, Vanna White and George Hamilton of 2007 did still look exactly like they did in 1994.

1205: So instead of being burly adult martial arts experts like in the video games, the movie brothers are teenage mutant ninja turtles in human form.? And the Asian one grows up to be the Chairman on Iron Chef America?

1229: I just realized that Robert Patrick's blazer has a zipper. This movie would be way more engaging if it focused on him instead of Scott Wolf, Chairman Kaga, and Alyssa Milano.

1243: Goddamnit. If you've got a necklace that someone is trying to steal from you, maybe you shouldn't wear it around your neck on the outside of your fucking shirt.

1250: "Now Who's the Boss?" Really, movie?

1351: After a break to cook and get some air, I'm back on track.
Movie 4: Tomb Raider 2
Drink 5: Gin & Tonic- I had Drink 4 (Rum & Diet Coke) during Double Dragon

1401: Why do the "prized artifacts" in these types of movies always look like something bought from a Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue?

1403: She punched a shark in the face. There is no way that this movie could get better than that.

1438: I finally figured it out: Her tech guy is Seth Green + BJ Novak + British

1458: I feel like this is the second thing I've watched this week that featured someone making a getaway by hang gliding. That has got to be the worst means of escape ever.

1510: Ugh, I get it she's in Africa. Is it really necessary to drive the point home by showing them drive past herds of animals? This movie feels long enough.

1520: What the hell? It's like the movie just turned in to The Descent or something.

1547: Movie 5 - Mortal Kombat
Drink 6: Bourbon & Soda (I'm substituting this for the bourbon/cognac broup)
I don't know why I was surprised when this opened with the bad techno Moral Kombat song. Also, you can't sit straight up with you wake up from a dream. It's physiologically impossible.

1557: The first appearance of Christopher Lambert gives me hope that this movie will be hysterically bad.

1658: Suspicion confirmed. Also, what's up with these martial arts movies where two buys fight, but wait while their opponent get his/her fighting stance right?

1727: I don't know how much more I can take, but
Movie 6: Hitman
I'm just finishing off that Bourbon, and I'm going to drink a litre of water

1823: This movie has turned out to be surprisingly watchable. It's probably related to my having recently finished Deadwood.
Drink 7: Glenlivet Nadurra 16-year scotch

1903: Movie 7: Super Mario Brothers
I remember seeing ads for this when it came out, and even as a child I thought it looked like shit.

1940: This movie doesn't make any damn sense. I thought the Goombas were mushroom things. Luigi is wearing red, and Mario is in grey. It was pretty damn satisfying to see Dennis Hopper try to kill John Leguazamo.
Unrelated to this movie, but I don't know why I just thought of it: something I was watching previously used the sound of bowling pins benig knocked down when some guy fell down the stairs. I think it was Mortal Kombat.

2002: This movie is like someone took all of the sets and costumes from Total Recall and decided to attempt to cram a horrible, money-grubbing videogame adaptation in to it.

2033: This movie just had a shot of the World Trade Center towers disintegrating. That was the last thing I expected to see today.

2036: That wind-up toy bomb had a bizarre product placement thing for Reebok. And holy carp, Lance Henricksen! There's a part of me that wants to watch this movie forever and try to figure out what the hell was going on.

2107: Movie 8: Street Fighter
Drink 9: Furthermore Fallen Apple Ale
Jebus, how much of the budget for this film go towards sound effects artists and Van Damme's hair dye?

2216: I was going to attempt to watch the new Street Fighter tonight, but this one just doesn't end. What did the budget of this film go towards? It sure as hell wasn't a script, special effects, or production design.

Drinksgiving Begins

2010-11-25T08:08:00.003-06:00

So, Thanksgiving was always my most hated holiday. There was church, a long drive up to a relative's house, an overly-long dinner during which I'd be forced to engage in dumb-ass card games and conversation while my brother could sit in another room and watch football.

The best Thanksgiving until last year was the time my mom went out of town and, after driving around and finding no grocery stores or restaurants open, my dad and I dropped off my brother at home and went to see American Movie. Previously, I would dream of spending the day at home watching The Iron Giant on Cartoon Network's day-long marathon. Movies seem to be the only good things that I associate with Thanksgiving. With that in mind, it's no surprise that once I was allowed to observe the holiday however I wanted, I chose a day of drinking of movie-watching.

Last year, I twittered. This year, I'm going for a dual twitter/liveblog thing.

So they're still talking about this?

2010-10-31T11:19:00.002-05:00

Today, Ebert's twitter directed me to a HuffPo article about the MarieClaire flap (one of the mag's bloggers registered her disdain for fatties). At the time this originally went down, I mentally filed it under "Whateva" because: 1) I can't register shock over the notion that someone who works in a "fashion"-related field hates fat people; and 2) Until that point, I hadn't realized that MarieClaire was still around.

I'm guessing the second point is what this whole thing was really all about: A person on the internet starts an uproar and gets a lot of attention after making a statement designed to provoke. I believe the kids call this "trolling". Well played, magazine troll. You've given your mag a new-found visibility and ensured that the TV show you were promoting will get a sympathy-fuck bump in viewership.

I Try, You Don't Buy: Banana Flavored Snack

2010-06-20T19:00:00.008-05:00

Subtitle: What the shitting hell?

So I have a bad habit of buying whatever I find amusing when I go to an "ethnic" (guh, I hate that word) grocery store. A recent acquisition came from a local Korean market where I buy home made kimchi and pre-cooked veggies for bibimbap (because I'm a lazy, lazy bastard).
Behold Banana Flavored Snack:

Note: That monkey looks terrified.

For about $1.50 I purchased what I was led to believe would be a delightful snack. The unripeness of the anthropomorphic banana should have been a clear indication that I was very wrong.

Upon opening the package I was treated that the familiar scent of synthetic banana. If you have ever had any sort of banana flavoured candy, you will know all about this banana-ish, but not quite right scent. If, however, you've lived a pure life of nothing but actual bananas you will have no idea what you're smelling.

Moving past the scent, and overcoming my new craving for some Laffy Taffy, I dared to actually try one.

You know those corn starch packing peanuts that dissolve in water? These have the same shape, size, and texture. In fact, after the tasting I threw one in a bowl of water and it dissolved in exactly the same way the packing peanuts do. In retrospect, this isn't all that surprising since ingredient #1 is "Corn Flour".

This is after 30 seconds, so it actually dissolves faster than packing peanuts.

The stupider among you might be reading this thinking that upon tasting there's going to be some sort of redemption. Like in that piece of shit, Crash, when racist #8 does something slightly less racist at the end. Well, shit. What the hell's wrong with you? Crash? Why the hell do you have to go and get me all angry about that again? I'm already angry about wasting $1.50 on these horrible snacks.
Yes, they were horrible. Packing peanut texture with synthetic banana flavour and salt. Think about that for a minute: Banana and salt. They don't compliment each other like other sweet/salt combos. Maybe it's because the banana in this case isn't actually sweet. Or, maybe it's because there's a noticeable delay between the two and what you wind up tasting is fake banana aftertaste and salt. Or maybe it's just an annoyance that I should try to put behind me. Like that movie, Crash.

Who's it for?
Judging by the ingredients listing on the back, it's geared towards Spanish- and possibly Portuguese-speaking people.

Who might like it?
Masochists, synthetic banana enthusiasts, people who've wondered what it would be like to eat one of those packing peanuts.

Who should buy it?
Nobody. Not "just to try", not as a joke, not as a cruel prank, not even as packing material (the flavour seems to be a sprayed on glaze). Just don't do it.

This is actually happening right now

2010-02-18T23:30:00.014-06:00

Roger Ebert is a prolific and entertaining Twitter-er. It is because of him I have spent the past hour watching Arizona Congressional Candidate, Thomas J. Zaleski, go ballistic on Twitter.

Holy fucking hell. This guy is seriously unbalanced. Check this shit:

The comment at the top? It was in response to this:
Yeah. Someone asks a serious, legitimate question and he goes nuts. I also suspect Zaleski thinks that this user is either Wile E. Coyote or the Acme Sales company from which Wile E. bought all his roadrunner-catching stuff. Which would mean that Zaleski thinks that the old Warner Brothers cartoons are real or somehow based in reality.

Also, this:
was followed by this:
and this:

The first one was lame. The second was unnecessarily cruel, especially since it seemed to be a response to this from Ebert:

At least Zaleski was later able to post this without a trace of irony:

Is this an elaborate hoax? The unsettling ravings of a mentally unbalanced individual? Or just some idiot douchebag running for Congress? I'm not really sure, and crazy random stuff like this doesn't help:

The only thing that I'm sure of in this situation is that the following is most likely true:

Dear Humana Inc.

2010-01-22T21:23:00.002-06:00

So, Humana keeps sending me junk mail addressed to my father. There are two big problems with this:
1. My father has never lived at my address. In fact, the most time he ever spent here was that one time he came over to help me put together some Ikea furniture.
2. He's dead.

Yeah, a company selling health insurance can't distinguish living from dead.

I've called their "customer service" a couple times and been sent to various answering machines, so now I'm just going to send them back their latest mailing along with a letter of my own:

Reserved For:

Dear Humana Inc.,

Good news! Did you know that if you act quickly, you can get my father to switch to your Medicare plan?

All you have to do is go back in time before March 2007.

The reason to go back in time is that you may get a better response from somebody who is not deceased.

At present time, my father has no need for your health plans that include prescription drug coverage.

So, unless the benefits of each of your Medicare health plans include time travel, curing cancer, and/or raising the dead in a non-zombie state, you can choke on your Brochure.

My attempts to call you at 1-877-457-2505 or go online to HumanaChoices.com to have my father's name and my address removed from you list have been fruitless.

Please stop this--I don't think it's funny.

Sincerely,

Kjhymn
Daughter of the deceased

P.S. IMPORTANT: If you're trying to sell health insurance, it's best you target people who are alive.

I try, you buy: winter facial cleansers

2009-12-07T22:40:00.010-06:00

So, winter is finally upon us. This means: 1) My coat collection once-again sees the light of day. 2) No more of those freakin' ladybugs flying around my apartment. 3) Horrible flaky, scaly dry skin. The combination of wind, cold, and dry air renders my sometimes-normal combination skin dry and flaky. Sure, I could exfoliate more regularly (so. much. effort!). And, I could probably stand to drink more water (but, 'tis the season of peppermint mochas). However, my primary strategy has been to switch to a heavier moisturizer and a more moisturizing facial cleanser.

During the normal-er months, I use Shu Uemura's "Skin Purifier High Performance Cleansing Oil Enriched", or as I like to call it "the orange one". It removes makeup and cleanses my skin in one step, is water-soluble, and doesn't leave any sort of residue behind. It's one of the few products that I automatically repurchase when I run out. Considering this, the obvious choice for a winter, drier skin upgrade would be Shu's "Cleansing Beauty Oil Premium A/I". Of course, I live in a craphole town without a Shu counter (We're living like savages! Savages, I say!), so I decided to seek out more readilly available options for my seasonal cleasers.

Contestant No. 1: Christian Dior Cleansing Milk for Face and Eyes
They say:

This emollient milk is infused with radiance-boosting white tea for skin that's flawless, radiant, and wonderfully soft. For dry and sensitive skin types. [$30]

from Sephora.com

I say: "Hi, I'd like to return this."

Let me just start off by saying, I liked that it had a pleasant light scent, a good texture that wasn't too heavy, and came in a translucent plastic container with a pump. Then I actually tried to use it. There are a few ways that I tried this out:

Method one was to massage it in to dry skin and then attempt to rinse if off and follow up with whatever toner I was using at the time. This was a big mistake, since, despite what the Dior counter woman insisted, it's totally not water soluble. There was no rinsing away clean, as evidenced by the amount of crud still picked up by my toner (Shiseido Pureness). Boo-urns!
Method two was to massage it in to dry skin and wipe it away with a cotton pad, follow with toner. This also failed to remove the product.
Method three was to massage it in to dry skin and follow up with another cleanser. The Dior Cleansing Water I was using at the time wasn't enough, but a Shiseido foaming cleanser I had worked as did my Shu Cleansing Oil. Double cleansing? Hell no.

Result: Failure. Kind of. Testing this stuff on my arm, there's no doubt that it emulsifies with makeup. The problem lies in getting the emulsion off of my skin. I'm not interested in using a good cleanser to remove the mediocre cleanser that I used first and I don't want to just leave it on my skin. I also wasn't thrilled about using it for removing eye makeup. Again, it did lift whatever makeup I had on, but the times I tried it I wound up using a separate eye makeup remover to take it off. If I had drier skin, I would've just used it as a morning cleanser when I want something gentle and don't need to clean off layers of makeup and sunblock.

Did I return it? Yes I did. Would I recommend it? Maybe to someone with drier skin than me, but I would suggest using a separate makeup remover.

Contestant No. 2: LUSH Babyface

They say:

This uplifting and softening little wonder bar is a gentle cleanser with surprisingly powerful results. It's solid so we could avoid using any preservatives whatsoever. The base is made up of a mélange of butters, (shea, cocoa and fresh avocado) that melt and grab hold of makeup and dirt, which wipe away easily with a warm washcloth or one of our nourishing toners on a cotton pad. The uplifting tangerine aroma will put a smile on your face, making your nightly routine something to look forward to. [$9.35]

From lushusa.com

I say: "Not again... What's LUSH's return policy?"

After returning the Dior cleanser, I strolled over to LUSH to check out their cream cleansers, Ultrabland and Babyface. They're essentially the same product; Ultrabland in creamy lotion-y form, Babyface in solid form. My friendly LUSH SA demo'ed both on my arm, instructing me to use a warm washcloth or toner to remove the cleanser. No bogus claims of water solubility--point to LUSH. I went with Babyface because it was the cheaper of the two and the solid bar form seemed like it might be easier to use.
So, once at home I cut off a piece to use and threw the rest in the fridge. Like LUSH's massage bars, Babyface liquifies at body temperature, so you just need to lightly rub it across your face. I didn't notice much of a scent, and it felt a little heavy on my skin. I massaged it in to dry skin and once again found that hot water and toner were not enough to remove all of the residue. In the in-store demo, the LUSH SA used their Tea Tree toner, so a toner meant for oilier skin (read: a more astringent toner) might work better to remove this product.
I spent about two weeks trying to make this cleanser work for me. As with the Dior, I didn't use this on my eye makeup after the first use; and, in the end I concluded that it's just meant for somebody with drier skin than mine.

Did I return it? No, but I gave the unused piece away. Would I recommend it? Same rec as the Dior: for very dry skin, and it needs a separate makeup remover first.

Contestant No. 3: Yves Saint Laurent Cleansing Milky Veil

They say:

This make-up removing milky gel transforms into a fresh fluid, to dissolve all traces of make-up, impurities and pollutants. Enriched with revitalizing Aloe Vera sap and bark of Enantia Chlorantha, it refines and improves the quality of the skin, giving it a pleasant and fresh sensation. Cleansed and invigorated, the skin reveals a pure radiance. [$38.50]

From www.yslbeautyus.com

I say: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me three times, I need to go back to my Shu cleanser."

This was an impulse buy while on a binge at an out of state YSL counter (don't ask). I was buying nail polish and started putzing around with the skincare while the SA rang me up. One thing led to another and I walked away with this cleanser and the cleansing water. Blarg.
Yet again, I got a cleanser that wasn't water-soluble and apparently intended for use as a non-makeup-removing cleanser for people with very dry skin. The scent and texture were both light, and more similar to the Dior cleanser. Like the rest I had trouble removing this with water, and while toner did leave behind some residue it wasn't as bad as the others. The packaging is an attractive translucent bottle with a nice, sanitary pump.

Did I return it? No. Like I mentioned above, out of state YSL counter. I decided to use it up as a morning cleanser, and paired with my alcohol-containing Neutrogena Pore Refining Toner. This actually worked out well; the toner took care of much of the residue and I didn't have to worry about residual gunk festering on my skin while I slept. Would I recommend it? Same as the rest: for dry skin and not recommended for makeup removal.

Contestant No. 4: Chanel Lait Confort Creamy Cleansing Milk

They say:

Comforts dehydrated and sensitive skin with the de-pollution power of Tulip Tree Extract and the hydrating properties of Arum Lily Extract. Non-drying formula thoroughly and comfortably cleanses, soothes and tones, with deep moisturizing effects. [$45]

from chanel.com

I say: "Wait. What? This is actually water-soluble. I'm tempted to call shenanigans, what's the catch?"

I had basically given up on finding a HG winter cleanser when I stumbled upon this product. While checking out the winter collection at my local Chanel counter, I mentioned my search for a winter cleanser to the SA. She grabbed the tester of this cleansing milk and handed it over for my inspection.

"Is it water-soluble?" I asked.
"I'm pretty sure it is," she answered. "Let me check."
She inspected some corporate literature and convo'ed with another SA who actually used the stuff. Both answered in the affirmative.
"Maybe I'll try it out. Maybe."

I tried for non-committal, but she was already grabbing a bottle for me to take and digging around the samples for some toner and moisturizer for me to try as well. This came home with me and I vowed, deep down in my heart and soul, that I would return the hell out of it and she would feel my wrath if the claims of water-solubility were bogus.
There was no reason for me to be so melodramatic.
While this stuff has a scent that reminds me of my grandmother's Avon face cream, and a heavy opaque container that gives me absolutely no indication of how much is left, it's everything I was looking for. It's a gentle, moisturizing cleanser that actually takes up makeup like a cleansing oil and rinses away cleanly. No pore-clogging residue, no double-cleansing, and no "holy crap, what do I do if this gets in my eyes!".

Did I return it? No, I've been using it for the past three months. Would I recommend it? Hell yeah. ish. I really like this cleanser, it's doing everything I wanted, but the price is a bit of a sticking point. At $45 for 5oz, it's the most expensive of the cleansers I tried, and more than a 5oz bottle of Shu Cleansing Oil Premium A/I would cost with shipping. I figure I'm paying for the convenience of being able to pick this up at a nearby counter, and as a once a year purchase the extra money isn't going to break me.

Jebus, Help Me

2009-11-15T00:57:00.003-06:00

I watched the Shaquille O'Neal opus, Kazaam, to wash away the overwhelming dread brought on by watching Hideo Nakata's Dark Water. Why's it always gotta be children, Hideo?

I should have allowed myself to be haunted by terrifying dreams about zombie ghost children. Now I'm going to be haunted by terrifying dreams about Shaq rapping, pre-teen Weevil from Veronica Mars, and terrible cgi "whimsy". Gah.

When I'm prepared to relive this horror, there will be screenshots. Until then all you really need to know about this movie is that the villian makes Kazaam a rapper (I am not making this up) and at his concert the live band includes a keytar player and a fiddle player:

Actual screenshot from the movie Kazaam

I try, you buy: OPI My Private Jet

2009-11-07T10:15:00.005-06:00

subtitle: My 3 Private Jets (or, what the hell is going on in OPI's quality control/quality assurance departments)

My Private Jet (MPJ) is a shade that was originally released with the Night Brights Collection in 2007. As a side note, this collection contained two deep blue shimmer colours that presaged the Chanel Blue Satin craze by at least a year. Anyway, I suspect this collection marks the beginning of my nail polish addiction/hording condition as it was the first one from which I bought every single colour. Buying My Private Jet at this time wound up being a stroke of luck, because it means I am the owner of the highly-coveted "holo" version.

OPI My Private Jet: It's made of rainbows!

It's a charcoal grey with a fine, dense holographic shimmer that OPI uses in many of their Designer Series polishes. It's quite sheer, requiring at least three coats for total opacity.

Everyone likes My Private Jet; it's edgy grey, it's fun holographic, it predicts corn yields, etc. They rerelease it. Unfortunately, much like Buffy's return on UPN, it just wasn't the same. Yes, it had the name and the packaging was right. But, whatever it was that made the first run so special and beloved was missing. Just like with Buffy. I mean, just look at this:

Dude, where's my holo?

Sure, the brown-grey base is nice, there's a fun blue iridescence, and the silver shimmer has a bit of holographic shine but there's none of the rainbow-y goodness of the original. I found this baffling, because the Designer Series polishes released around the same time were sick with the stuff, and a simple visual inspection would tell the production house that this batch wasn't the same.

One could speculate that this was a cynical attempt to cash in on a loyal and rabid fanbase by people who crossed their fingers and hoped that we wouldn't notice the difference in quality. And, yeah, that Buffy analogy still stands.

You know what, OPI, we totally noticed. We talked about it on the internets, took comparison pictures, and sought out dupes from other brands. That's why it's so wildly uncool that you decided to rerelease yet another version.

A few weeks ago I picked up a bottle of something brown and shimmery at a local OPI-selling place and I think you know where I'm going with this:

Deep brown base, amber iridescence, irregular silver shimmer with a holographic reflection that might actually be a figment of my imagination. There is no reason for this to be called My Private Jet. If the second version was UPN-era Buffy, this guy is a poorly-written fanfic filmed by Joss Whedon and a bunch of the secondary and tertiary characters.

I mean, check out this comparison:

Left to right: Re-release 2, Re-release 1, Original

Left to Right: Re-release 2, Re-release 1, Original

I almost feel like I'm being too harsh. On its own, the most recent version is nice and not quite like anything else currently in my stash. If it had been released as a new shade with one of the recent collections I'd be all over that shit. They could've bumped one of the reds from their current holiday collection and called this "Coal in my stocking" or "Hot Toddy" or something and I would've loved it. Instead, they tried to cash in by producing a substandard version of what was originally great when it seems that they're entirely capable of reproducing the original.

If you're looking for a black/grey polish with holographic shimmer and you can't track down a bottle of the original, there are options:

While none of these have the same rainbow effect that the OPI does, they all at least have a noticeable holographic shimmer. Icing Blackout is a deep glossy black with holographic silver glitter that's chunkier and more sparse than MPJ. Sally Hansen Night Lights in the Hard as Nails Xtreme Wear formula is a dark grey with silver holographic micro-glitter that, again, is more sparse than MPJ. Claire's Quicksand is a brown-grey base with a slight metallic sheen and silver micro-glitter.

While all of these have strong holographic shine, none of these have the same rainbow effect that MPJ does. I assume this is due to the fact that they're glitters as opposed to the silver holo shimmer/pearl that makes up the OPI, and that the shimmer in the OPI is quite dense. If you're after the rainbow, and you're a DIY type, I would pick up a bottle of OPI Designer Series Coronation or its more-holo, but harder to find cousin OPI Paris Couture for Sure. These two have all the holo and none of the colour. They're almost too pigmented to use as a topcoat, but you could probably franken them with a bit of black polish or pigment to simulate the original MPJ.

Netflix Recommends:

2009-08-05T22:41:00.004-05:00

Apparently that DVD includes the controversial "Raven & friends go on a killing spree" episode. Or, maybe the "Violent TV Shows" factors in the show's ability to incite violence in the viewer.

I cooked something: Swiss Chard

2009-06-23T20:07:00.005-05:00

So, farmer's market season is in full swing. I've been visiting my favourite market since it opened back in May, and the plants and spinach are giving way to a greater variety of produce. Two weeks ago I randomly grabbed a huge bunch of Swiss Chard (which might actually be Rainbow Chard) for just $2 from one of my favourite vendors.

When I buy greens like kale or chard, I usually chop it up and sautee it with a little garlic and finish it off with some sesame oil. With almost two pounds of chard to use I decided to do something different. Some internet searching turned up this recipe at Allrecipes.com. I tweaked it a bit and came up with:

Swiss Chard with White Beans and Goat Cheese

Ingredients:

1.5 tablespoons olive oil
2 cloves of garlic minced
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 large bunch Swiss Chard (with the stems, damnit!)
1 16oz. can of Cannellini beans, drained and rinsed (or, you know prepared dried beans if that's what you're in to)
1 16oz. can of fire roasted tomatoes with green chiles

Soft goat cheese (chavre)

You'd really want to throw this away?

Instructions:

Slice the chard leaves in about 1" strips. Chop the stems separately in 1" pieces.

Heat the oil in a skillet over medium heat. Add the garlic and red pepper flakes; cook and stir about a minute, until fragrant.

Add the chopped stems and cook for about 2 minutes, until they start to get soft. Add the leaves and cook for an additional 2 minutes. Add tomatoes and beans, and cook until the chard is wilted and the mixture has reduced slightly.

Check this shit out

Serve hot and garnish with goat cheese (or don't if you're vegan).

You know you want me.

It's kind of spicy, kind of savory, and totally easy.

I would watch this program

2009-06-08T19:51:00.003-05:00

If only it wasn't a Nike ad.

Verisimilitude

2009-04-08T20:40:00.002-05:00

I found the story about villagers blocking the Google Street View car mildly amusing, but mostly sort of moronic. It read like a lot of "Boo hoo, people on the internets might see our rich-people houses. Oh, the humanity!"

This, however, fucking rules.

View Larger Map

When the Street View car rolled through a Pittsburgh neighborhood in 2008, residents and people from around the city were ready. Organized by artists Robin Hewlett and Ben Kinsley, several blocks of a residential street were set up with tableaux to create a sort of human-populated Busy World of Richard Scarry. This has been on the internet since November 2008, and I can't believe I'm just seeing it now.

The Street View above shows the route. Follow Sampsonia Way eastbound to Arch St. Click the southbound arrow on Arch once, then get back on eastbound Sampsonia to Federal St. I highly recommend visiting the project website at http://www.streetwithaview.com/. There's information on the project, a full scene breakdown (in case you missed something), and videos.

[Found via John Hodgman's Twitter]

I think I smell a rat...

2009-03-29T11:49:00.002-05:00

Thanks to WTF_Nature, I just learned about the Hero Rat program in Africa. Since 1996, the APOPO has been training giant pouch rats to detect landmines; and in 2004 they started training them to detect diseases like TB.

Apparently, I'm the type of person who finds giant rodents adorable; and after clicking over to the Adopt a Rat page, found myself donating to TB-sniffer rat, Kim. Sure, Chosen One was tempting and Allan had the cutest pictures, but all of the other rats had pages of effusive comments. All Kim had was:

Dear Kim,

i wisch I could fondle you someday!

Truly
Britta

Um... I'm guessing that's some sort of translational quirk. But what if it's not? I can't sit idly by and watch while a rat with my same name is subjected to sleazy come-ons.

It's bad enough that her job involves interaction with "sputum".

That's oddly specific

2009-03-26T18:39:00.010-05:00

"Violent Documentaries" and "Suspenseful Sci-Fi & Fantasy from the 1980's"?

The new taste preferences on Netflix are weird. The intro page only gave me about 8 "tastes" to rate (Violent, Suspenseful, Romantic, Goofy), but the actual "Taste Preferences"-setting page has 24 different ones to rate. These things seem too weird and objective to really produce useable results. The provided examples are a clear indication that Netflix and I have wildly different definities of these things.

Ugh, I just can't... Patch Adams? Fuck you, Netflix, for reminding me that this abomination exists.

Yep, nothing says romance like hillbillies, dead guys, nautical disaster, whores, the mentally retarded, and Tom Hanks.

I wasn't going to say anything about this one, but Van Helsing? Really? I saw that piece of shit, and I must've gouged my eyes out too early to see the deep emotional subplot.
Also, how the hell is Top Gun listed under "romance", but not Eternal Sunshine? Oh, right, because these listings are nonsensical and useless.

This is where I'm calling total bullshit on these categories. They had the decency to stop listing Crash on every goddamn category, but three Nicholas Cage movies? Now I know they're just fucking around.

It was bad enough when I had to contend with their inexplicable genre-based recommendations, now when I log in I'm met with stuff like this:

Edit to add: I just noticed that in addition to the "tastes" and genres, you can set preferences for an endless number of other things, like "qualities" (which, inexplicably includes Bollywood), storylines, release dates, and all of the Netflix subgenres. One of these days, I'll try and manipulate it so it appears that I'm only interested in Gritty Zombie Blacksploitation Bollywood Tearjerkers that were released in the 1910's or 1980's about Post Apocalyptic Kung-Fu Whistleblowers and are based on Children's Books.
In all honesty, if that was a movie I'd watch the hell out of it.

Experience Aromatherapy as I stitch?

2009-03-17T21:21:00.004-05:00

Hell no.

1. "Secret Perfume" sounds like some sort of scented douche. And, if you take away the embroidered towel, the promo pic looks like it's selling some sort of "feminine deodorant".

2. It seems like the scents would intermingle, and you'd have to pick colours based on what fragrances would compliment each other rather than what would be aesthetically pleasing.

3. My cross-stitch projects should have scents that reflect their nature. I don't think I've ever made anything that would be properly represented by synthetic strawberry or honeysuckle. E-mail me again when you start making thread that smells like cigarettes and scotch, DMC.

What would be the right scent for this bookmark?

After watching this video I assumed it was an elaborate joke

2009-03-16T22:50:00.003-05:00

If you eat a lot of golfballs you need this toilet!
(thanks David Wain)

from RobHubel

Boo-urns for not being able to embed.

It's seriously ridiculous that anyone might think this will sell toilets. If you're flushing solid waste that's equivalent to 4 complete chess sets or 3.5 pounds of dry dog food, you've got bigger issues than your toilet.

The parent site looks legit, but I'm not convinced that this isn't some sort of elaborate joke.

You bitches made me miss the Daily Show

2009-03-05T22:27:00.003-06:00

Dear McDonald's,

For the love of all that is good and decent in this world, stop showing that goddamn commercial with the singing fish. You missed the idiotic singing rubber fish craze by about 10 years. Yesterday I tripped and skinned my elbow diving to change the channel. Today I muted the television and forgot to un-mute until halfway through the Colbert Report.

Please stop airing this ad. The thought of anyone eating a McDonald's sandwich makes me want to vomit, and the song makes me want to buy a gun and blow out my brains.

For reals, just stop.

Sincerely,
Kjhymn

Grandma may not know what the hell Bluetooth is...

2009-03-02T20:02:00.003-06:00

...but that doesn't mean she can't still walk around looking like a total douchebag.

Thank you, Loud 'n Clear

I know what all my bingo-playing lady friends are getting for their birthdays.

I can't believe I'm actually making a Velociraptor tag

2009-03-01T11:21:00.005-06:00

Come on, Velociraptor needs a new pair of shoes.

Velociraptor Roulette

via MetaFilter

It's roulette of velociraptors that appears to utilize public Flickr accounts and occasionally makes no sense.

Sometimes when you win, you actually sort of lose:

What kind of sorry excuse for a velociraptor is this?

And, sometimes a loss is awesome:

I don't eat the cows, but I would eat that sandwich.

Previously in Velociraptor-based games: The velociraptor game inexplicably linked to an actual bunk-bed store.

I am not a number. I am a free man!

2009-02-17T23:16:00.003-06:00

I got summoned for jury duty. It comes in an envelope with "Official Jury Duty Summons" printed on the outside in big block letters. As if knowing that your mail carrier saw it is going to pressure you into serving. My motivation was less civic duty and more the shitstorm I call my job. A month ago, the prospect of getting out of work for a few days--even for jury duty--seemed like a positive.

How wrong I was.

So, the first day everybody's there at 8:30 and we're all herded into an auditorium-type room with nowhere near enough seats. Some high-ranking court official came out and gave a pep talk that was all "it's not like Law & Order... this is your civic duty... no one's too important to serve". The main thing that I remember was that at one point he compared jury duty to the draft; when I got the summons, my first instinct was to burn it up. Then there was an instructional video that reiterated his points (minus the draft thing). A person from the Blood Center came out and attempted to guilt us all in to giving blood while waiting to be called. Guh. I think it's a cool program, but pictures of sick children who will be receiving my life-giving blood will not motivate me.

And then you wait. Forever.

If you ever show up for jury duty, bring a book, a laptop,MP3 player, homework, work work, portable DVD player, mildly offensive cross-stitch project. Something to keep you occupied while you wait. The waiting game is particularly inspired on the court's part. By the time they call your name, you're actually relieved that there's something to break the monotony. The prospect of entering a courtroom and watching stuff is appealing. That feeling wears of just as you're taking a seat in the jury box.

If you were unfortunate enough to get a low number (juror #5, bitches!), there is a very good chance that you will get picked. People will tell you all sorts of outlandish things to do to get kicked off of a jury; say you're racist, tell the judge you hear voices, dress like a hobo, commit a felony. While some or all of these may work, there's no reason to get all weird and lie--unless you are a racist schizophrenic hobo felon. You can read the complete works of the Marquis de Sade or blast NWA's Fuck tha Police from your MP3 player all you want, but unless you're doing it in front of the judge it's not going to affect your chances of serving.

Based on the first jury I was dismissed from, there are some things that will get you tossed from the jury:

Know somebody else on the jury. They take the "don't talk about the case outside of the deliberation room" thing very seriously. It could be a coworker you don't actually know or a former neighbor you haven't seen in 15 years; if they think there's a chance you'll be gabbing about the case over lunch you're out of there.
Have something that could make you identify with one side. I'm not talking about race or gender, although I'm assuming that comes in to play. If things in your life that you've seen or done or had done to you could make you sympathetic to the plaintiff or defendant, you're out. It's called bias, people, exploit it. Don't want to serve on the armed robbery trial? Tell the judge about the time you were mugged walking home. Or that your BFF is a police officer. Or that you work the night shift at a gas station. You can swear up and down on a stack of bibles that it won't affect your judgement, but you won't have to stick around for opening statements.
Have a job that you'll keep on doing. This was actually my out on the two juries I was thrown in to. It's unlikely that you'll be sequestered, and the court can't tell you what to do once you're dismissed for the day. The DA asked if anyone worked third shift during the trial. I took that opportunity to tell them that, if picked, I would probably be going in to work for at least a half day after court every day of the trial. This was 99% true, and the suggestion that I wouldn't be devoting every waking our to their trial of utmost importance was enough to get me kicked off the jury.
Get a high juror number. It seems that they just go down the line and take the first 14 that aren't totally egregious. If you're juror #28, you probably don't have to do a goddamn thing but wait it out.

Of course, not getting picked for one jury doesn't mean you're home free. After getting booted from the first jury I was in the hostage room for all of 5 minutes before getting called for the second one. When I weaseled my way out of that one, I was told to come back the next day. Shit.

The second day jury pool was made up of left over non-picked jurors from the first day with no reinforcements. Anyone still not picked by lunch was allowed to go home, but I was left wondering if I shouldn't have just followed the advice of a certain saucy puppet show.

Hope over fear

2009-02-15T21:17:00.009-06:00

On my last trip to Mitsuwa, I took a stroll down the "refrigerated/frozen fish product with packaging that's mostly or only in Japanese" aisle. Maybe I was giddy at the prospect of taking home a kabocha to roast; maybe it was a shopper's high from the morning trip to IKEA; or, maybe it was just that deep-seated sense of masochism that drives me to do awful things to myself. Whatever the reason, I bought fish sausage.

I recalled seeing them on Elyse Sewell's livejournal, but couldn't remember her comments. I most likely disregarded whatever it was, thinking, "bwah, I'll never be in a position to eat fish sausage." If only I had known.

Those pink things in the picture there? Those are the sausages. I didn't realize that when I bought them. For some reason, I thought those were some sort of flower garnish. That doesn't really make sense, but then again, neither does fish sausage.

Aside from the heating (not cooking, mind you) instructions, the thing that really struck me about this instructional business is the nonchalant notice there there's skin fragments in these things. I've purposely eaten fish skin before (yes, Mr. Sushi Chef, I would like some crispy salmon skin), but for some reason it weirded me out in this context.

The package seems so enthusiastic about the different ways of utilizing Fish Sausage! I feel obligated to eat one cold straight from the package. With four sausages in the package and five serving suggestions, one method will have to go un-utilized. That's assuming that I can manage to choke down four of these things.

So, after a month in my fridge, I finally decided to crack these bad boys open. About the size of an army-grade glowstick, they don't seem so tough.

And then you crack it open. I wouldn't call them pungent, but when you get in close there's a distinct smoked fish scent. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of smoked fish. Not just hoity toity smoked salmon (or lox or gravlax). I eat canned kippers for dinner sometimes. A common childhood snack was a head-still-attached smoked chubs that my dad would bring home from the store. I'm not a-feared of the fish.

Of course, grinding up that fish and putting it in "sausage" form is a whole other thing. Sweet Jebus. It had the texture of a hot dog without the casing. Kind of soft; slightly gelatinous. I'll be honest: it squicked me out.

I almost feel like I could eat these. While following the suggested cooking suggestions might improve on the texture, I feel like the flavour couldn't really be helped. It was as if someone combined smoked fish and hot dog, and then made it sort of bland.

A review of Elyse's post suggests that she feels similarly, although her's is an ambivalent appreciation. I suspect if I had access to garlic chili flavoured fish sausage with adorable cartoon crabs, I too would learn to love fish sausage. Or maybe I'd still find it weird.

I plan on using the remaining three sausages; cooking, frying, grilling in an attempt to make this thing somewhat palatable to me.

One of these things is not like the others...

2009-01-05T19:10:00.003-06:00

Can you spot it?

Click for the full-sized picture.

I added Fritz the Cat to my Netflix queue, and these are the most similar movies that popped up. In this context one seems very, very wrong.

Damn, I already used the "Jellyfish" song

2008-12-16T21:04:00.002-06:00

Aw, hell, I'll use it again anyway:

Jellyfish, along you came,
and right away I'm stung.
Sweet words I long to whisper,
But you've paralyzed my tounge.

There are a number of things that I will openly admit to being afraid of (various types of dolls and puppets, heights, shellfish). Now it's time to add Jellyfish to that list.

Growing up in the midwest, the major body of water I've been exposed to is Lake Michigan. Sure, it gets extra seaweed-y in the summer and sometimes there's a smell coming off of it that forces me to shut all my windows, but for the most part is free of terrifying water life. There may be lampreys. Scary, bloodsucking lampreys. But no jellyfish and as such, I never developed a proper fear of them.

Those days are over thanks to a recent post at WTF_Nature. Giant refrigerator-sized jellyfish. If those four words don't terrify you, perhaps the notion of huge colonies of regular-sized jellyfish will do it.

I'm all for letting jellyfish live their squishy stingy invertebrate lives, but this is just... ick.

I highly recommend checking out the giant jellyfish pictures linked in the comments section, and for even more terrifying jellyfish action check out the National Science Foundation's "Jellyfish Gone Wild" page.

Bwah ha ha haha!

2008-12-14T13:59:00.002-06:00

Hee hee hee.

Someone on the makeup talkin' message board I read just posted a link to this. It just made my day.

Mostly Martha

2008-12-07T11:54:00.003-06:00

I've long admired Martha Stewart. For years, I watched her make cranberry centerpieces, bake with Jacques Torres, put together wedding invitations, and do a whole bunch of other crap that I would never want to spend time doing.

Then Martha went to jail and, with no new shows being produced, I lost track of her. Sure, once she got out she had a brand new show where she'd cook or do crafts with celebrities, but it wasn't the same. I didn't want to watch Martha engaging in awkward banter with some media whore out to pimp their new book/movie/album. Or did I?

One of the things that has always endeared Martha to me is her willingness to go on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. She somehow managed to maintain her inherent Martha-ness while completely going along with the insanity. If I recall correctly, her first appearance had her eating Taco Bell and sipping a 40oz. malt liquor.

When she returned the favour, and had Conan on her old show, the results were no less hillarious:

Still, I never believed that would translate over to other (non-food/craft/domestic bullshit-related) guests. Until the internets led me to this segment from her current show:

Martha and Snoop: Together at last.

Awkward? Of course, but it's still funny enough for me to spend my afternoon checking out other clips from her show.

Clips can also be found on Martha's Blog.

Remember Sammy Jankis

2008-12-03T16:01:00.004-06:00

If you ever take a class that covers memory and forms of amnesia, you will learn about H.M. At age 27 he underwent a resectioning of the medial temporal lobes of his brain as a treatment for epilepsy, which left him an anterograde amnesiac. He has since been the subject of much study, and has provided us with tremendous insight into the inner workings of the brain.

H.M., actual name, Henry Molaison, passed on yesterday. For all that he gave us, I hope the 70-odd years following his injury were happy ones.

If you haven't heard about this fascinating case, take some time to read up on it and give Memento a rewatch.

Found via Metafilter.

Thanksgiving survived

2008-11-30T12:58:00.002-06:00

I fucking hate the "holiday season". This should be of no surprise to anyone who knows me even casually.

I find Thanksgiving especially loathesome, because in addition to the lack of gifts, there was always the mandatory church-going followed by the long-ass trip to my uncle's house for dinner. Sure, there's the meal, but at some point grandma always had to make sure that we were aware of her mortality and declare how happy she was that we could all be here for one more year while weeping.

For a while, The Iron Giant was the best part of Thanksgiving. Hell, it was the only good part of Thanksgiving. Cartoon Network would air it all day long in a continuous loop. You could catch part of it in the morning, another segment after church, and watch the whole thing in it's last airing of the night when you got home from your awkward dinner. It was the soothing medicated balm that calmed all the irritations of the day. You could pour yourself the first super-boozy eggnog of the season and be swept away by the film's unending charm.

Don't get me wrong, I had my doubts: Jennifer fucking Aniston, Vin goddamn Diesel, Harry Connick Jr. But then I remembered: Brad Bird. He of The Simpsons, The Incredibles, and Ratatouille. Watch and behold:

Iron Giant Trailer
by duracelleur

Now, go out and get yourself the special edition DVD.

Not my Milwaukee

2008-11-21T23:46:00.002-06:00

See ThisisMyMilwaukee
originally found via Metafilter

I'm guessing it's actually New York.

When I was a kid, while watching an episode of Laverne & Shirley together, my father turned to me and said, "That's not Milwaukee. There aren't brownstones like that here."
That moment was pretty much the only thing I could think of while watching that video.

I seriously have no idea what the hell is going on there. I assume it'll end up being a viral ad for something lame.

A Gay President in 2084

2008-11-07T10:05:00.002-06:00

Florida, Arizona, and California all voted to ban same-sex marriage. And Arkansas voted to ban adoption by gay couples.

Jebus fucking christ. Just when I thought I could stop hating this country, I have to start hating it again.

Apparently, the voters who won Florida and California for President Obama forgot about his ongoing opposition to the Defense of Marriage Act. I only hope that he remembers.

America. Fuck Yeah!

2008-11-04T22:33:00.002-06:00

It's like this...

...only, Apollo Creed beat the shit out of Ivan Drago. Or something.

I honestly don't know what they're basing this on.

2008-11-04T20:42:00.001-06:00

But now I feel like I should give it a try.

Ward 56, Voter #113

2008-11-04T18:13:00.003-06:00

My polling place is about half a block from my apartment, and I usually vote just before leaving for work; when the polls have been open for about an hour. I get in and out within a few minutes, and my voter number is usually in the 20's.

This morning I went to my polling place about ten minutes before the polls were scheduled to open. The line, in addition to snaking around a courtyard that can't be seen in the above photo, went around the corner and halfway down the block. The wait was a brisk 45 minutes, and the line looked exactly the same when I left as it did when I arrived. When I got home from work some 8 hours later there was still a line down the block.

After spending all day reading the latest headlines on Democratic Underground, I immediately turned on CNN when I got home. And then I broke out in a cold sweat and felt nauseous. 6:00 pm is too early to know anything, and it's sure as fuck too early for an unnecessary panic attack.

Current projection has Obama at 175 to McCain's 46. I'm going to watch some Futurama and open another beer.

Gobama.

Speaking of Rub Huebel

2008-10-19T21:27:00.002-05:00

I'm really enjoying his blog. It's like Kanye's without the air of self-satisfaction. And with way more weird pictures from the web and funnier videos posted.

I totally meant to check Kanye's blog regularly and then I didn't and I didn't actually care that much, but this time it's for real. I figured out the whole RSS feed thing, and it's now nestled between Pajiba and WTF_Nature for my daily reading pleasure.

Unfortunately, RSS feeds won't help with my Human Giant viewing. Just release the damn second season DVDs so I don't have to watch the episodes on my damn computer through MTV's website. Still, shit like this suggests that it'll be worth it.

See more WillArnett videos at Funny or Die

This is way better than my own estimate of 5 seconds.

2008-10-19T20:00:00.003-05:00

41 seconds

Created by Bunk Beds Pedia

Found via Rob Hubel

I don't want no freakin' monkeys using my sink

2008-10-10T17:08:00.002-05:00

Sink Showering Monkey

What I really enjoy is the guy's dispassionate monotone amid all the perky "wash, wash, wash".

Via Cute Overload (I know, right?).

Go buy some Fig Newmans

2008-09-27T10:12:00.002-05:00

Philanthropist, salad dressing maker, race car driver Paul Newman died on Friday. I liked his films, but my love of Paul Newman came from his charity work, sexagenarian race car driving, and goofy Late Show appearances. Remember "Where the hell are the singing cats?".

That Late Show clip isn't embeddable, and isn't the greatest quality, so here's an Italian Barilla ad:

That guy who called me a "pink-o bleeding heart liberal" was totally wrong

2008-09-26T20:03:00.001-05:00

Ha. Shows what you knew, dad.

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Reality-Based Intellectualist, also known as the liberal elite. You are a proud member of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.

Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com

Found via Pajiba Love (some previous edition)

I love you, David Letterman

2008-09-26T14:41:00.002-05:00

I'm so totally old these days, that I can't manage to stay up late enough to watch Letterman. Thank Jebus for the internets. Courtesy of Huffington Post, I was able to see these clips of Wednesday's Late Show when McCunt ducked out.

Ahh, David, if I could sacrifice some portion of my life to prolong yours, I would.

Hello Nasty

2008-09-19T18:57:00.002-05:00

The Corpus Clock & Chronophage

Finally, my love of unique timepieces and creepy scary animal things comes together in the most perfect way possible.

Admittedly, with the shiny gold finish, I think it looks like it should be on display with fiber-optic Virgin Mary/waterfall lamps at a flea market. However, I think that just adds to its inherent charms. The close up of the Chronophage--the grasshopper/wasp/dragon thing on top--creeped me the hell out. With its hinged jaw, blinking eyes, and big pointy spider legs, it looks like one of the scarier muppets that populated my childhood nightmares.

Aesthetically pleasing or not, this clock is made of pure unadulterated awesome.

She's Crafty: Cross Stitched Baby Bib

2008-09-11T22:50:00.008-05:00

Stitched by me for a friend's new baby. The hardest part was finding a decent picture of Tupac's actual tattoo. I suppose I could've just written "Thug Life" in some sort of old-tyme font, but I figured if I was going to do this I should do it right.

I didn't know it before, but "Thug Life" actually stood for "The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everybody". With that in mind, why would you not dress an infant in something that says Thug Life?

If you don't go for bizarre acronyms, and want to define thug in the traditional sense, you could consider the Edward Gorey school of thought:
It works on so many levels.

Say hello to my little friends

2008-07-04T17:10:00.003-05:00

I wound up getting a biology degree because I like animals, and deep down, my fantasy job is probably something like "Zookeeper" or "Ostrich Wrangler" or "Fish Observer". While I'm stuck working a boring animal-free job, the internets provide a plethora of weird and interesting animals:

Puss Caterpillar

Flannel Moth

Giant Slug

Sea Slugs (Nudibrachs)

Impala, Crocodiles, Hippo, Birds

see also:

WTF_Nature
Animal Review

I didn’t need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure. West.

2008-06-27T19:17:00.002-05:00

It's a damn shame that they couldn't include Adam West in this video. Still in the battle of the Batmen, my money's on Christian Bale. Patrick Bateman/Batman will always be cooler than Mr. Mom/Batman, Jim Morrison/Batman, or ER Doctor/Batman.

This music-loving man is...

2008-06-21T19:41:00.002-05:00

...Takeshi Kaneshiro.

New Yorkers will get to check him out as a death-god in Accuracy of Death, which has screenings at the NY Asian Film Festival on July 3 & 4 (what better way to celebrate Independence Day?) The rest of us will have to hope that it has a US distributor which will send it to the local arthouse theatre (currently selling the fuck out by showing Indiana Jones and Sex and the City). And if that doesn't happen, there's always the internets.

The blurb on the NYAFF website is promising, which is good because this seems like it could easily turn into a schmaltzy crapfest. NYAFF referenced Neil Gaiman's Sandman, but watching the trailer I was reminded of the awesome Dead Like Me. Except, instead of Mandy Patinkin, there's a telepathic dog.

I hope it'll get released here, and for now I'm being cautiously optimistic.

Quite the kerfuffle

2008-06-21T18:26:00.003-05:00

At the end of a long work week, nothing beats spending Friday annoying the hell out of your co-workers by speaking in a terrible British accent and a high falsetto voice.

In honour of these shenanigans, I present my inspiration: Rubbish Transvestite, Emily Howard.

Those useless trees produce the air that I am breathing

2008-06-17T19:53:00.005-05:00

I never fully bought in to the cult of M. Night Shamalyn (yeah, I'm not going to look up the actual spelling). I didn't like The Sixth Sense that much because I knew the "twist" going in, and Bruce Willis and children are two things that I'd rather take a broken glass enema than watch.

I endured the endless tedium of Signs, pondering why those hillbillies didn't run the Indian guy out of town after he vehicular manslaughtered someone. Plus, nothing made me rage quite as hard as the film's final "message" about how his god makes everything happen for a reason.

When I was dragged to The Village, I brought along a water bottle full of vodka and snarked, "I bet it's, like, modern times, and they're just fucking Amish or something", in the theater before the movie started.

That said, I was momentarily intrigued by The Happening. When I first read the synopsis, I though, "Huh, that might not be complete ass." Then I took some time to think about it and realized that even if I could get past the Shaymalan-ness of it, the presence of Marky Mark almost guaranteed suckitude.* The reviews I've read seem to support that suspicion. And killer plant spores? Come on!
*Edit: The involvement of Betty Buckley assuredly spells pure unadulterated ass. Don't believe me? Just try watching an episode of Oz that featured her.

I'm not saying I'll never ever watch this crapfest. I'm just saying I'd rather eat $10 in quarters than pay to watch it.

Besides, I've already seen this movie, and it was Japanese and freaky as fuck. Yes, Suicide Circle was a hot mess of a film that starts out crazy, derails about 2/3 of the way through and gets crazier, and then manages to go back on track for a not-entirely-shocking reveal (yes, a twist) that still managed to creep me the fuck out. I'm not saying it's a great film, but it's creepy and available from Netflix.

If unsettling movies about mass suicide float your boat, check it out. And, if you're still looking for some menacing plant life, rewatch that scene with the apple trees from The Wizard of Oz.

Lou Ferigno had a better paint job than you

2008-06-16T21:29:00.002-05:00

The Hulk still looks like it blows, but this clip is excellent (and not just because I'm strangely amused by the sight of Edward Norton punching himself in the face).

Clips like this and a similar one for The Bourne Ultimatum make me wonder why the hell I don't watch Kimmel.

Aside from the fact that I'm physically incapable of staying up past 10:30pm.

Douche overload

2008-06-07T19:03:00.003-05:00

I just saw an ad on MTV [shut up, America's Next Top Dance Crew is on] for something involving Ashley Simpson's husband.

The ad was him and the guy who's always in pictures with that chick with the huge fake tits from The Hills.

I've never wanted to punch my TV so badly in my life.

You've got red on you

2008-06-03T21:39:00.006-05:00

Perhaps TV in New Zealand is a highly competitive game with hundreds of networks duking it out for a slice of the market share.
Maybe ad executives down there are just more creative or willing to do cool and wacky stuff.
Or, it could be that TV2 is just incredibly cool.

Whatever the case, this Kill Bill billboard is the third ad from NZ's TV2 that has gotten my attention.
Saatchi and Saatchi set this up in downtown Aukland, and for all I know, it could be promoting a single showing. It's perfectly over-the-top, but compared to the endless viral bullshit used to pimp out movies, it has a sort of elegant simplicity. It communicates anything you might need to know about Kill Bill. Okay, not really, but still.

Also by Saatchi and Saatchi for TV2 was the Batsignal campaign for Batman Begins.
Batman stickers put down over pre-existing footpath lights; lights go on: instant Batsignal. So simple, but totally effective.

Still, my favourite TV2 ads are the ones for American Psycho (also by Saatchi and Saatchi).

This billboard is absolutely sublime. Truthfully, it's probably difficult to grasp if you haven't read the novel or seen the film; but if you have, you might not even need to read it to get it. The text is spot on, and sweet Jebus, it even has a watermark.

The print ad is even better.
It's like one of those optical illusions with the vase or something. You see it. And then you see it.
This is already my desktop wallpaper, but I think I'm going to put it on a t-shirt for Independence Day this year.

Keaton & Arbukle 2007

2008-05-31T20:04:00.001-05:00

Anything can happen in green screen: dinosaurs, socks, bottles.

2008-05-27T20:24:00.001-05:00

Marlon Brando sniffed jackets. He sniffed pants.

2008-05-27T20:14:00.002-05:00

You're a rebel without a cause? What's your cause, not sniffing jackets?

One shade (of orange) for all!

2008-05-26T09:17:00.002-05:00

Do you want to have atomic orange skin like your favourite celebretard without the massive sun damage? Order now!

I hope this is a joke.

Baby/Mama

2008-04-29T19:57:00.002-05:00

I was going to write something about the new Tina Fey/Amy Poehler movie and my utter contempt for the whole "successful career woman suddenly decides she needs/unexpectedly acquires a child and finds that the experience improves her life" genre. Predictably, it quickly became completely incoherent, and was mostly about how I was disappointed by Fey, Poehler, Sigourney Weaver, and Maura Tierney for being involved in this tripe; as well as Diane Keaton for starring in Baby Boom some twenty years ago.

Besides, I haven't even seen the film.

Anyway, in the comments section for the Pajiba review of this film someone registered their distate for babies, referring to them as "selfish subhumans that cry all the time".

"Subhuman" designation aside, that could apply to my mother.

No wonder I don't want a child.

Hillbilly Logic

2008-04-28T19:59:00.004-05:00

Not being the product of years of inbreeding, I don't fully understand the ways of those "Sons of the Soil". I suppose this bullshit about Hillbilly Pop Star's Vanity Fair spread tells me all I need to know.

In a nutshell:

Good

Bad

One could argue that Trailer Trash just wanted attention, or that Rodent-Themed Parent Corporation flipped the hell out, but the lack of reaction when photo #1 came out suggests that she really is skeeved by the VF pictures.

It reminds me of the time we were having dinner, and my brother swapped his fillet mignon for a kid's chicken nugget meal with extra ranch dressing.

Notably, they weren't outraged by the one picture from that shoot that creeped me the fuck out.

I'm a PC

2008-04-21T20:18:00.002-05:00

Just when I thought that assy ad campaign was over, there it is again.

It was sort of amusing at first, but it quickly grew tiresome. Now, I'm left pondering this:

If the ad is pro-Mac, why is John Hodgman the PC?

I'm proud to see my operating system anthropomorphized by the man who taught me about the furry old lobster, was featured in one of my favourite installments of This American Life ever, and is a correspondent for The Daily Show.

Of course, if you're comfortable being represented by the guy from Dodgeball, that's your business.

Strange Days...

2008-04-19T19:45:00.002-05:00

So, a mild tremor from an earthquake woke me up the other morning. Note, when I say "woke me up", I mean "roused me just enough to readjust my blindfold, think 'why the hell is the train running so early?', and promptly fall back asleep".

This may not seem odd until you take into account the fact that I am firmly embedded in Middle America. And there aren't any trains that run near my apartment.

I probably would've forgotten the whole thing had it not been for the fact that the first thing I heard on the radio was "...early-morning earthquake in southern Illinois". This was something of a shock to me, as I had spent my entire life under the impression that there weren't any earthquake-causing fault lines in this part of the country. I figured it was a trade-off for our lack of fresh seafood and the idiot Two-and-a-Half Men-watching stereotypes.

How wrong I was. It turns out the New Madrid zone sprawls across southern Illinois, Missouri, Kentucky, Arkansas, and Tennessee; and it was the site of three or four of the biggest earthquakes ever recorded in the US. I don't want to freak out, but holy shit! It turns out scientists have been speculating that this region's due for a "Big One". Some time. Like, between now and 2040. Yeah, I'm suddenly not too concerned about it.

In an appropriately odd end to my day, I also learned that Bai Ling has a blog.

The kids listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage

2008-04-16T19:19:00.002-05:00

Apparently, Bill Cosby has recorded a hip hop album.

My response?

Please, you couldn't even turn in to Bill Bixby.

2008-04-15T22:57:00.005-05:00

The first indication that the new Edward Norton Incredible Hulk film might suck?
The fact that they went ahead and made it despite the general assyness of the whole Hulk franchise and especially the previous Ang Lee-directed installment.

The second? The trailer.

If those things don't put you off, consider the official poster. Notably, Edward Norton's all-denim outfit:

Nothing says "mediocre" like a man in head-to-toe denim.
Edit to add: Holy Shit! It looks like he even has a denim shirt on under the jacket.

Still, if you're really keen on watching Edward Norton switch between pathetic little bitch and ultra-violent maniac, allow me to recommend a double feature of Everyone Says I Love You and either American History X or Fight Club.

Connecting white witches on the Moor with pre-raphaelites down in Broomhall

2008-04-07T21:42:00.002-05:00

I saw the original Wicker Man a few years ago. It was regularly mentioned in the British movie magazine Hot Dog, Pulp had a song called "Wicker Man" on their final CD, and there was that episode of Coupling where it was mentioned.

So, thanks to Netflix, I watched.

I think I found the musical interludes too off putting to actually enjoy the film on any level, and I suspect the great love some people have for the film comes from the fact that Britt Ecklund gets naked (also while singing). Yeesh. Singing. I just couldn't get past that. Seriously, check this shit:

Yeah, I don't even know what to say to that. It's just unsettling.

Still, that weirdness seemed to be the general tone of films from the '70's. Just look at Zardoz.

That sort of weird campyness and inexplicable insanity must have been a requirement.

Of course, that doesn't explain the 2006 Wicker Man remake. Neil Labute, you made In the Company of Men. You should know better. Shame.

The only redeeming quality is the--I'm assuming--unintentional hilarity of the film. I haven't worked up the nerve to watch the whole thing yet, but thanks to the Internets, I can see all I need:

I could watch that scene with the bees all day long.

Please, girl, try not to laugh at me no matter how awkward this gets

2008-03-30T22:15:00.002-05:00

This made me laugh so hard I choked on my gin & tonic.

Initially, I thought that was Trey Parker of South Park, but it's actually some guy called Mike Polk. Well played, Mr. Polk.

Naturally, that song made me think of this one:

"When it's with me you only need two minutes 'cause it's so intense."

And then there's this one:

Imagine there's something clever about San Francisco here

2008-03-24T20:36:00.013-05:00

So, I still have some San Francisco pictures left to upload, but they're all bits and pieces of stuff and don't really work together.

Here we go:

One facet of San Francisco's public transportation system is the street car. It's a single line that runs from Fisherman's Wharf/North Beach down to SoMa and back. It's cheaper and sometimes less crowded than the cable cars, but just as fun and touristy. Plus, it runs past the super-awesome Ferry Building.

The line is populated with a mash-up of different cars, all of them vintage. Some are from the lines that ran through San Francisco and other US cities. Others have been imported from foreign "sister" cities. Sadly, it didn't occur to me to try and get pictures of all of them until my second-to-last day.The one partially visible in this shot is from Italy.

This one, obviously, is from Zurich, Switzerland.

The Ferry Building is a fun place to get lunch, and while it's not a destination, it's worth a visit. There are daily tours and a weekend farmer's market, but I didn't see any of that. What made the Ferry Building worth a second visit for me was the food. Specifically, the French Macarons at Miette. I also got aged Spanish Mahon from the Cowgirl Creamery, vegetarian dim sum and tea (black lychee) at the Imperial Tea Court, and some amazing Recchiuti chocolates.

If you're fortunate enough to live in the area, there are also a number of vendors selling perishible items, like exotic mushrooms, caviar (but don't buy that because it kills the sturgeon), produce, meat, and seafood.

Fisherman's Wharf was a brief (maybe 2 miles) walk away from the Ferry Building. My camera battery was dying, but I managed to get a few nice shots.

Facing south, the Ferry Building is on the left.

Facing north, one of the piers is on the right. To your left, palm trees.

Another pier and a sunset or something.

Japantown had a large shopping complex that we spent some time exploring. The main attraction for me was Ichiban Kan, purveyors of inexpensive Japanese stuff like bento boxes, reuseable nylon shopping bags, those plastic sandals with the accupressure nubs on the soles, and sweet, sweet candy. There were a ton of restaurants, and I was left with the task of picking one.

The sign above was for a shop that seemed to specialize in curry. I was tempted, but opted instead for a packed noodle shop where I ate a gigantic bowl of veggie tempura udon.

Hey, kids, it's the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art! If you're an art nerd, like I am (in the last semester of my undergrad, I almost tacked on an art history major that would've meant another two years in college), then you always want to go to art museums when you're on vacation.* I have a particular love for weird and wacky modern art. In London, it was the Tate Modern. When I've got time to kill in Chicago I head for the Museum of Contemporary Art (conveniently located right next to the Watertower Mall).
I especially wanted to visit the SFMOMA because they were hosting an exhibit of Joseph Cornell's works. They were always some of my favourite pieces at the Art Institute in Chicago, and I was thrilled to see a massive collection here. They also had a Jeff Wall exhibit that I thoroughly enjoyed.

*Strangely, it's been at least ten years since I've visited the local art museum even with it's amazingly beautiful Calatrava-designed unit.

Random shot of a church and some skyscrapers taken from the park near SFMOMA.

I Still Hate Everyone: The Return

2008-03-15T10:57:00.002-05:00

In this post I mentioned that they're allegedly going to be making a series of movies based on board games. The whole concept fills me with rage. Have we really turned in to such a cultural wasteland that we're no longer content to remake classic and foreign films, adapt books, comics, TV shows, or sketches from TV shows? It's only a matter of time before Coupon: The Movie is a grim reality.

Still, I knew I had seen a sketch about a "Chutes and Ladders" movie, but I worried that it had come from SNL or (shudder) Mad TV. Fortunately, it was a Robot Chicken gag, and was actually pretty funny.*

Note, this originally aired in 2006.
*Not funny: That this may actually happen.

Yeah, Wall-E isn't a Brad Bird joint. I'm less interested in seeing it. Still, I'd watch Pixar's worst film a million times over before I endure one of Dreamworks' crapfests or the steaming pile of celebretard-voiced shit that Horton Hears a Who looks to be. The commercials currently airing either pimp out the cast or feature a sing along of REO Speedwagon's Can't Fight This Feeling (and I'm so ashamed that I know that without the aid of google).

I'm mostly indifferent to the news that they might be remaking The Breakfast Club. I've seen parts of it on Sunday afternoon cable and have gotten enough of it to know that I don't like it. I think I'm about five years too young to have been swept away in the unstoppable wake of John Hughes teen comedies. I think it's asinine to remake it, though. From what I've read, they're doing a reimagining of the story and making it about twenty-somethings at an airport.

If they're going to do that, it should be pointed out that we already have a reimaging of The Breakfast Club. It's still set in a high school and uses the same lame-ass archetypes, but it has alien monsters and Robert Rodriguez and Elijah Wood transitioning from child actor to hobbit. That's right, bitches, The Faculty. Hell, there's even a scene where new girl/alien gives her own version of the last dialogue from The Breakfast Club.

I'm not proud, but I watched No Reservations on DVD. I can't even make a lame joke about it not being at all like Anthony Bourdain's memoir No Reservations. I knew that it would be horrible, and I'd hate myself for watching, but I figured there'd be some possibly decent food porn. No such luck. It's like Baby Boom, but without the delightfulness of Diane Keaton to make it tolerable. If Dark Knight doesn't kick ass, you're dead to me, Aaron Eckhart.

Attempted Kitler Invasion Thwarted

2008-03-08T08:04:00.005-06:00

Border security must be strengthened. The AP reports a young Kitler attempted to sneak in to the US by hiding in a crate shipped from Singapore to Cleveland, OH.

The Kitler was discovered at a Cleveland company, and is currently being detained. Charges have not yet been filed.

It's like three for the price of one

2008-03-06T19:44:00.003-06:00

Let's run down a partial list of stuff I like:

The first eight seasons of The Simpsons
Classic films
The weirdness of literal translations from foreign languages in to English.

Just what the hell am I getting at here? Acualidad Simpson

It's a Spanish language Simpsons fansite that FilmDrunk linked for its supercool gallery of film references.

Yes, from the obvious to the obscure, the website has side-by-side comparison of the scenes in question along with a brief description.

The picture comparisons show just how dead-on the film references were.

As if that wasn't enough, check out the page through the magic of Google Translate. I think the text that accompanies the photo above says it all:

When Flanders failed 7F23
What is beautiful live! (1946)
In the midst of so much joy at seeing his friends help her husband, Mary Bailey (Donna Reed) throws his hands to his face and smile incredulous. A gesture is the same used by Maude Flanders contemplated when the solidarity of its neighbors with her husband. In addition, wearing a dress like that of the protagonist of What is beautiful live!.

I'm not sure what I like more about that: The literal interpretation of It's a Wonderful Life or that in the first sentence Mary Bailey is referenced as a "him".

The site has about three pages of this stuff, and it's continually being updated, so check it out.

I Still Hate Everyone

2008-03-05T21:15:00.005-06:00

Sometimes, in my weaker moments, I ask myself why I won't fork over $10 to see a movie in the theatre. Then I think about the movies being released and contemplate spending that $10 on materials for nail bombs to send to people who make movies.

What's pissing me the hell off today? To start, there are the new Mike Meyers/Will Ferrell/Larry the goddamn Cable Guy movies. Then there's the whole "movies based on board games" thing. And then there's everything else that's horribly wrong with movies:

They're remaking Rosemary's Baby. Goddamnit, you guys, don't remake good movies. At least don't remake good classic movies. Didn't you learn anything from the remakes of Psycho, The Manchurian Candidate, or Shaft?

They're also remaking A Take of Two Sisters. I saw the original Korean film last year and not only was it scary as hell, it was absolutely beautiful. The moody lighting, the super-saturated colours; it rivaled Christopher Doyle's best work. Maybe I'm just partial to Asian women in red lipstick, but do you really think a shit-ass American remake will have anything that looks as good as this one shot?
I watched the Meet Bill trailer, and my train of though went something like this:
Aaron Eckhart has a new movie coming out. Sweet! He's sometimes awesome.
He's kind of a schlub. That's bad. I like my Aaron Eckhart like I like my men: smarmy sons of bitches.
It has a mildly amusing premise. That's-Not so fast. There's a high probability of some feel-good bullshit ending-fuck. That's bad
The supporting cast looks promising ... but it includes Jessica Alba Goddamnit you son of a bitch. Can't I ever have anything?
Looks like he's in a speedo at some point. Too late. It's over. I'm going to go watch In the Company of Men and Thank You For Smoking and forget I saw this.

Superhero Movie.

Rumors are Spike Jonez's Where the Wild Things Are film is being reshot because it's "too weird" and "too scary" for kids in test audiences. It's been a while since I last read the book, but I sort of remember it as being a little weird and a little scary. Besides, what kind of idiot takes their kid to a Spike Jonez movie? When I first heard about this film, I assumed it was going to be totally aimed at adults. I watched the "leaked test footage" that was all over teh internets, and I though it was totally charming.

Finally, I watched Ratatouille* and The Incredibles together last Sunday, and I'd like there to be a moratorium on animated films not directed by Brad Bird. While Wall-E** is oddly intriguing (I'm hoping it's more Iron Giant than Short Circuit), the piece-of-shit panda movie fills me with unspecified rage. Maybe it's because the participation of Jackie Chan makes me suspect it'll be an extended chink joke.

Bouillabaisse

Guillemots

Guillemot's

Guillemot

All the other blogs are doing it

2008-03-02T20:49:00.003-06:00

So, I haven't been even remotely interested in Garfield since I was in the fifth grade. I could barely work up a good rage over the live action movies they put out a few years ago. I have no feelings of nostalgia for the comics, animated series, or once-ubiquitous car window suction cup toy things.

Anyway, I figured that Garfield, much like Scooby Doo, boy bands, and milk, was a relic from my childhood that I could no longer tolerate.

Then, half of the blogs I read at ~~work~~ home in my leisure time started pimping out garfield minus garfield (and look, now I am too!). I tried to resist, but my sense of morbid curiosity got the better of me.

Is it funny? It's better than the original at least. The reworking of the strip as the story of John Arbuckle, existential everyman, works in a weird way. However, the whole thing is strangely unsettling.

Kudos to you, garfield minus garfield author, you've managed to creep me out like a Japanese horror film.

Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

2008-02-28T20:03:00.016-06:00

While the previous visit had taken me through a less touristy region, this time I decided to go for the tacky touristy version that had so impressed me as a kid.

I took the cable car from the turnaround at Fisherman's Wharf to Bush & Powell, near the Chinatown gate. From there, I walked up Grant to Broadway, stopping in souvenir shops and taking pictures of whatever amused me.

My Jebus sense was tingling. I saw this display from across the street.

This guy was sitting in front of a bank playing that horn thing. I was loud as hell, and I could hear it from a block away. I took this photo from across the street, but I saw a couple people get all up in his face and snap pictures.

If I recall correctly, I think I saw a few of these shops. I'm still not sure if Blest is supposed to be Blessed or Best.

At the top of Grant, on Broadway, I paused in front of a bakery long enough to notice the ice cream displayed. In the larger image above, you can just make out some of the flavours, like banana, strawberry, green tea, and dragonfruit.

This photo shows just a few of the other flavours for sale. Taro. They had taro ice cream. Naturally I had to go inside.

This place was clearly not a tourist spot, as the menus were completely in Chinese, and the women working the counter spoke heavily-accented English to a white couple in line before addressing me in Chinese. I wish I had found this place earlier, because I would've walked up there every day and gotten a different flavour. The taro was delicious and creamy, and if I hadn't been pigging out on bao and red bean flavoured pastry, I would've gotten a scoop of lychee to go with it.

In its own way, ultra-touristy Chinatown was every bit as enjoyable as slightly-less-touristy Chinatown.

Home-Made Prozac: Personal Grooming Edition

2008-02-25T19:35:00.002-06:00

Some six years ago, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy taught me the pure, unabashed joy of watching a man have patches of hair ripped off of his body. It's not that I didn't think it would be funny, I just hadn't seen it until then. Now, Marvo at The Impulsive Buy has posted a video of his first ever chest waxing:

That clip, while funny as hell, lacks the Jackass-ness to make it truly great. So, I present these guys. When you watch, ask yourself "Which is more gay?":

I'm gonna get behind you.

Oooh, I'm gonna do my nipple too.

That's the first time I've been grateful for Coit Tower

2008-02-23T17:44:00.012-06:00

If you decide to visit Coit Tower while in San Francisco--and you really should--for the love of gawd, walk there. You can drive, take a cab, or catch the bus to a nearby place, but if you value your sanity you will put on some sensible shoes and walk your ass up that hill. If my fat ass can manage it, you can too. If anything, you should do it for the sense of accomplishment you'll get.

In the full-sized version of this picture you can see a totally steep street leading up to Coit Tower. A street that I walked up.

My trek up to Coit Tower was something of a fluke. It was the last full day I was spending in San Francisco, and I had run out of stuff I absolutely had to do before I left. I suppose I could've gone to the Golden Gate Bridge or hung out in Haight-Ashbury for a while, but I'm lazy and Coit Tower was fairly nearby. Plus, it had been in my periphery for the entire trip like some sort of subliminal beacon.

We lucked out, and had an absolutely gorgeous sunny day that was perfect for gazing out at the city from its highest point.

Seriously. Pictures don't lie. That's the Bay Bridge from a vantage point near the tower.

From this spot, there was a twisty little nature path--unpaved, trees and plants and shit everywhere--that you follow to the tower itself. At one point we hit a fork in the path and could've walked up some stairs straight to the tower's doors or continued on towards the sound of rabid vermin. At my mother's urging to stop being such a wimpy little bitch (not her exact words), we went forward.

Kids, listen to your mothers, because sometimes they're right and you get to see cool as hell stuff like this:

Parrots. A huge flock of wild parrots.

This may not be news to some people, particularly those who've read or seen The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill, but I never expected to turn a corner and see a huge flock of wild parrots. Especially not in the middle of San Francisco, in the middle of winter. It was honestly one of the coolest things I've ever seen.

After goggling them for a while, we headed inside, bought tickets, and took the totally old human-operated elevator up to the top. The observation area is basically an open room with big plexiglass windows that give you a 360-degree view of the city.

It didn't occur to me to try and get a picture of Lombard street until I was on my flight home, but should you find yourself at Coit Tower, you would totally be able to get a kick-ass shot.

Note the coins on that window ledge.

While I didn't observe anyone making a deposit, it appears that people from all over the world leave behind souvenirs. I guess it's like the penny-squishing machines, but different.

I didn't donate to the fund that no one will ever collect and might just fall and kill somebody, because I had plans to buy myself to what might be the real San Francisco treat:

It appears to be a chipwich covered in chocolate and nuts. Sadly, I totally forgot about this when we got back downstairs. Still, who needs ice cream when there are parrots and breathtaking views and fights in the parking lot.

Yeah. Actually, not so much a fight as an argument, but it seemed like it could've erupted into an actual fight.

So, Coit Tower has what just might be the worst parking in the entire city. There's a circular lot that holds, maybe twelve cars; and, there's a single (bi-directional) road leading to and from the tower. There really isn't any room to turn around until you get to the top, so anyone driving up there might get stuck sitting in traffic while cars at the front wait for a spot.

While waiting for the bus that stops at Coit, I watched a woman and her sons stand in the handicapped parking spot to save it for someone in a car at the bottom of the hill. When a car with a handicapped tag showed up, this went over about as well as could be expected. They screamed at each other: she had someone coming, he didn't give a fuck. In the time that this went down, two or three additional spots opened and were filled by cars in the que.

The moral to this story? Unless you want to a source of entertainment for someone who will proceed to talk shit about you (and I totally did), walk up to Coit Tower. It's a fairly easy hike, and you won't be the subject of a story that starts "I saw whitest, trashiest people at Coit Tower today".

I'm so in to you: 2/18/08

2008-02-18T20:27:00.005-06:00

I just saw an abbreviated version of this commercial on TV. When I saw the eyes and the barking cat, I was convinced that it was made by David Lynch. It's not. Congratulations, Noam Murro, you've out-Lynched David Lynch.

Do you recognize this man? If so, you're clearly a person of discerning taste. If not, please acquaint yourself with Onion columnist, Smoove B. He's a love man who will freak you all night long. Be sure to check out the Smoove Boudoir. Sadly, the links to the Keith Sweat and K-Ci & JoJo websites don't actually work.

Grey nail polish. Grey is the new black, which is the old blue.
Yes, that's my pasty white claw. That nail polish? I made it. It's 5 parts black to 1 part white. If you're not the DIY type, Kiss has a grey out now and China Glaze is coming out with one called Recycle next month.

Lancome Pixel Pink lipstick. Unlike P.S. Kiss (which I like, but don't love), this is a great throw on and go colour. I ordered it online, so I got it a few weeks early, I wrangled a kick-ass GWP, and I didn't have to deal with the less-than-helpful Lancome boutique staff. If you want your own, call Bergdorf Goodman, Neiman Marcus, or a Lancome Boutique (but, seriously, don't) and see if you can still get one.

King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. A documentary about guys playing "classic" video games. Normally, I mock this type of thing, but the documentary was oddly compelling. Yes, it was way too easy to root for Steve and hate Billy, but it doesn't actually matter. Even if you don't give a fuck about who has the world record, the peripheral kooks make it worth your time. There's a guy named Steve Sanders. Like, on 90210.

The Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show

2008-02-17T22:49:00.002-06:00

So, I went to watch that Japanese guys dressed as lemons video and saw that it had gotten pulled from YouTube. Damn assholes. While nothing could possible replace the pure, unadulterated insanity of that clip, these ones might be a start.

According to the helpful YouTube commentators, the product is called Yaki Choko, or Fried Chocolate.

Yes, the animals suddenly sprout gigantic breasts. And, yes that raccoon has giant balls.

I don't really believe this one is actually Japanese. It has the look of something made to resemble foreigners' perceptions of Japanese TV. Of course, it might be 100% accurate and I'm just an idiot.

I tallied almost 300 bananas on this entertainment product

2008-02-16T23:37:00.005-06:00

I will post the rest of my San Francisco pictures eventually. Seriously.

Until then, I'm wasting time pondering the insanely asinine "tax credit" that I refuse to believe wasn't inspired by the Futurama episode, "Three Hundred Big Boys".

On the one hand: Woo! free money!

On the other: Are you fucking kidding me? Hasn't "trickle-down" economics been debunked like the Loch Ness Monster or the Pop Rocks + CocaCola = explosion thing? Goddamnfuckingsonofabitch. Who actually thinks that this shit is going to stimulate the economy?

Of course, it's a moot point for me, because I owe money. I don't know how the hell this happens, but I made less money than last year and somehow have to pay almost $500 that I don't have. I'm tempted to mail in my return this year so I can include a check that says "Go fuck yourselves".

Come on feel the lemonheads

2008-02-06T19:28:00.000-06:00

The only thing I actually understood was "music-u start-o!" I seriously have no idea what the hell is going on in this thing.

Thanks to the comments on YouTube and TV in Japan, where I originally saw this, I have learned that the muscular one is Kinnikun Nakayama.

I've watched this clip seven times, and I still have no clue what's going on. Are Kinnikun and the short one supposed to be extreme sour flavour? What's with the powder and the screaming? And, is that food on the table soba noodles or cake or cake made of soba noodles? This shit is going to keep me up at night.

This feels scab-y

2008-02-05T20:04:00.000-06:00

I have watched one episode each of the mid-strike Daily Show, Colbert Report, and Late Night. While quality clearly suffered from lack of writers, they were all amusing in their own way. I understand the reasons for three writer guy hosts to go back to work during the strike, but as I watched there was a part of me that was all, "Oooh, what's next? You gonna buy some Nikes? Wanna vote republican?"

I think that was my conscience, and it was annoying as fuck.

So, I haven't watched any of those shows in weeks. I was going to totally forget about them until the strike was over.

And then, while reading blogs at work today, I learned about the "feud". The fight is funny, if a tad homoerotic, but the real gem is the archival footage of Conan on Jon Stewart's short-lived talk show.

At least I didn't use the clip from NBC's website.

Dude...

2008-02-04T19:50:00.000-06:00

I'm a little late to the party, but I just read about Isabella Rossellini's series of short films about creepy-crawlies having sex. That's right: bugs, insects, and other animals (like frickin' snails) gettin' down.

I'm equal parts disturbed and intrigued.

If the promo stills are any indication of what the final product will actually be like, then "intrigued" will win out. Really, how can I resist this:

It's Isabella Rossellini dressed as a fucking bee. I defy you to look at that picture and not want to watch whatever it's from.

Ahh, Isabella Rossellini, you beautiful, crazy-ass bitch. With so many reasons to love you--your age-defying skin, the appearance on The Simpsons, your uncanny resemblance to a young Dave Foley--you don't need to make goofy bug porn to amuse me.

Especially not when I have this clip from 30 Rock to watch:

Total. Fucking. Bullshit.

2008-02-01T22:42:00.000-06:00

Ahh, David Lynch, you're the fantasy version of my dad.

I will be following your quiona cooking instructions as soon as I can watch that video all the way through. Seriously, it freaks me the fuck out.

I hate everyone so much

2008-01-29T20:36:00.000-06:00

In between making hyper-offensive, possibly self-loathing, Asian jokes at work, I saw that they're making the movie Crash in to a TV show mini-series thing. On the one hand, I'm mad as fuck that that preachy tripe is still considered watchable in some form. On the other, I'm hoping that the crap-ass production values and overall cheesiness of the TV mini-series genre will reveal the hideous awfulness of that piece of shit.

Still, it's not all bad. These comments from the thread on FilmDrunk made me laugh quite a lot:

affleckwasthebomb said:

I loved the bit in crash when racism pushed Sandra Bullock down the stairs.

brooklyn said:

what's the DEEEEEAL with black people? white people drive like this and black people drive like this! and other staggeringly deep 21st centuries observations on race.

paul haggis should get ass cancer and die.

and, jokerswild offered the only option that would make this palatable:

Personally I'd prefer to see a show about the 90's Crash with Spader and that uber hot blonde with the brunette kitty.

In other horrible movie-related news:

Dennis Quaid, who I've always though of as a fairly respectable actor, is joining the cast of G.I. Joe.
I finally watched the Be Kind, Rewind trailer and it looks totally funny.

The weekend box office grosses make me want to buy a gun and start shooting wildly.

They do in Chinatown

2008-01-23T22:14:00.001-06:00

San Francisco, wonderfully hilly and mass-transited though it may be, is not gigantic and sprawling like LA and Chicago are. This means that you could conceivably walk from one end of the city to the other. Or, that you could easily walk from the touristy neighborhood where your hotel is to the touristy neighborhood where there are a bunch of shops to look at.

During the week I was in San Francisco, I made two trips to Chinatown. The first was when I was walking around North Beach. I basically turned a corner and there it was. I wound up walking down Stockton, which is one street over from the superultratouristy Grant street. While there were still plenty of cheesy souvenir shops, there were also markets and shops and restaurants that were, like, for people who actually lived there. It meant that I got to see cool shit like:

Frickin' durian fruit. Crazy and exotic to my Wisconsin-ite eyes, but just about every fruit stand I passed had them for sale.

I know, they're ducks. Big fucking deal. However...

Tripe! I know, right? And next to it, but less visible, chicken feet. Touristy dim sum joints on Grant weren't rocking this shit.
While the chances of me being able to, um, stomach the tripe were slim to none, I should've man'ed up and sampled the chicken feet.

This pagoda-shaped pay phone on the corner of Jackson & Stockton. Why, yes, that is me with my face blacked out. The booth's exterior was covered in graffiti, and I'm not entirely sure it worked. Still, it was pretty fucking cool and probably a relic from a time before mobile phones. Note: If you go on the street-level thing on Google Maps, you can actually sort of see this thing at that intersection. Neat, huh?

Sadly, I'm not sure what amused me more about this: Dick Lee or the angelfire web address. Yep, it actually works. The place looked shut down, but maybe they were just closed for the day.

I actually caught sight of this fucking gorgeous view while on the cable car going down Powell earlier that day. I believe this is looking down Jackson street.
I have several pictures peering out in to the Bay, and this one is my definite favourite.

Seen, but not pictured:

tons of bakeries selling bao and lotus cakes and red bean mochi
bubble tea and crepe stall where I had the hugest selection of bubble tea flavours I've ever seen (taro, always go taro)
live fish market - my mother and I watched a couple of guys trying to grab live fish out of a small tank, their efforts made a mess and were unsuccessful until the shop lady quickly reach over, grabbed the fish, and tossed it in a bag for them.

This was unexpected

2008-01-22T19:42:00.000-06:00

So, Heath Ledger's dead. I'm not proud, but my first thought was, "I guess Charlie Hunnam won't have any more competition for roles calling for a Heath Ledger type." My second was, "I wonder if this will push back The Dark Knight."

I'll at least do him the courtesy of posting a flattering picture.

On the one hand, I'm indifferent, as I tend to be when celebrities die; however, I'm also surprised. He seemed pretty together, unlike some of his paparazzi-baiting celebretard peers, which is probably why his death is oddly unsettling. That and the fact that he's barely older than I am.

It's terribly unfortunate. He had the potential to be one of his generation's icons or slowly slide into mediocrity after a couple of kick-ass roles. Now we'll never know.

Since these things happen in threes (Brad Renfro was #1), I'm now worried about Jerry O'Connell:

Xenu does not appreciate your mockery, and those bastards are crazy.

The annual Jellyfish Cotillion

2008-01-19T17:41:00.000-06:00

Jellyfish, along you came,

and right away I'm stung.

Sweet words I long to whisper,
But you've paralyzed my tounge.

The jellyfish in the top picture are real, and can be found at the Aquarium of the Bay at Pier 39. The ones in the bottom picture are the tackiest souvenirs I saw in San Francisco, and can be found at a shop at Pier 39 and possibly in someone's home.

So, San Francisco has a small aquarium. It's not the Shedd, but it's a fun (if you're a science nerd, and I am) way to spend an afternoon.

The Under the Bay exhibit is super-cool. You get to walk through two long-ass tunnels smack dab in the middle of two different Bay environments. The first one is a shallow water habitat, and has stuff like sea anemones, starfish, and the prettier Finding Nemo-esque fish. The second, a deep water habitat, has the bigger, scarier stuff like sharks and sturgeon. There's also a gigantic swirly school of anchovies, which is also sort of scary if you've got a thing about swarms of stuff (yep) or you've gotten sick from eating anchovies (done that too).

Even cooler is the Touch the Bay exhibit at the end. There are a couple of shallow pools overseen by aquarium-ologists with bat rays and sea urchins and rays and starfish and leopard sharks that you can touch. You get to touch a fucking shark.

If you time your visit right (we didn't, damnit), you can you can go to an ocean-themed demo that will probably involve watching the animals eat.

How I Spent My Winter Vacation

2008-01-18T21:32:00.001-06:00

Did I mention I was in San Francisco for the from X-mas to New Year's? 'Cause I was and it was fucking awesome.

On X-mas day, after cramming myself full of deliciously fatty fish & chips and beer, I walked around Fisherman's Warf and saw:

Lethargic sea lions being gawked at by tourists.

The phallic grandeur of stately Coit Tower, and the awesome modern pointyness of the two on the right.

Beautiful Alcatraz Island.

And this kid's super-cool X-mas themed getup.

I was there with my mom (I know, right?) for about a week, so there are more pictures to come.

I'm confused

2008-01-15T18:03:00.000-06:00

Reading movie blogs at work today, I learned the following things:

John Singleton is going to be making an A-Team movie. Goddamnit, John, isn't it enough that you made a shitty and unnecessary Shaft remake? What the fuck?

A certain horrible film based on a cartoon about anthropomorphic chipmunks made $200 million, so naturally they're planning a sequel. I hate everyone involved in the creation and subsequent success of this movie so fucking much. I hope they all go sterile and get ass cancer before they're able to reproduce or find love. I'm sorry, mom, but if you actually paid money to see this shit, that includes you.

They're movie-ifying William Gibson's novel Neuromancer, and potentially casting that douchebag from the new Star Wars movies in the lead. Because I'm nerdy like that, I'm way into William Gibson's books. I'm ambivalent about another one being made in to a movie. Clearly, people don't remember the mind numbing badness of Johnny Mnemonic. What little my stupid brain will allow me to recall involves Henry Rollins using a dolphin to extract some data from Keanu Reeve's brain. I think. Damnit, now I'm going to Netflix that shit.

Chuck Palahnuik's novel Choke has been made in to a movie with Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, and that girl from Trainspotting. Woo. There are also rumors that Palahnuik is talking about making Fight Club in to a musical. I'm both horrified and fascinated. If it actually happens, I hope they take the West Side Story approach to fighting.

I still don't give a fuck about the Lost guy's monster movie (or his Star Trek movie), the new Indiana Jones movie, or the lame-ass killer vagina movie. How the hell is it that crap like that is financed and released, while I can't see Last Year at Marienbad on DVD?

They're making a G.I. Joe movie (sweet Jebus, help us) that will feature Marlon Wayans (big fucking surprise) and also Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Despite the whole Third Rock from the Sun thing, I was under the impression that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was, like, an actor. You know, making watchable movies.

Michael Mann is making a movie about Dillinger that may star Johnny Depp as Dillinger and Christian Bale as the FBI guy who brings him down. I'm ambivalent about Michael Mann, but I'm cautiously optimistic about this. At least, after seeing him not shoot Russell Crow in 3:10 to Yuma (which bored the fuck out of me), I'll be able to watch Christian Bale shoot a man in the back. If that man has to be Johnny "Godlier than Bono and way less preachy" Depp, so be it. I'm not happy, but I'll take it.

As a side note, I went to university in Chicago, and where I attended classes was a block away from the Biograph Theatre where Dillinger was shot. It's also where scenes from High Fidelity were shot. John Cusack succeeded in pissing me the fuck off by blocking up traffick for fucking ever. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

This is also where my blog-reading got off track; partially because I had actual work to do but also because the whole Christian Bale in a '20's gangster film got me pondering this: If The Prestige was re-worked as Some Like it Hot, which one would be Jack Lemon or Tony Curtis. In the end, I decided that Bale would be Jack Lemon. Not just because I prefer him to Hugh Jackman and think that Lemon had the better role (although, I do), but because in the end he heads off with Michael Caine, as the rich old millionaire suitor.

The more I think about it, the more I actually want to see that movie. It can't possibly be worse than any of the other shit that's getting released (see: almost everything noted above) and it might keep Christian Bale from getting involved with the McG-directed fourth Terminator movie.

You read that right: fourth Terminator movie. Directed by McG. Possibly starring Christian Bale.

What the hell is wrong with people?

You Fail at X-Mas

2008-01-12T19:27:00.000-06:00

When I say "you" I mean me. And when I say "fail" I mean get crap-ass gifts.

The extended family gift exchange manages to piss me off every year because of its inherent inequity. It's no different than what most families do: You're randomly assigned the name of a cousin and you get them a gift in the $25-30 range.

This range means there've always been people who stick to the high or low end when buying. With most of us getting gift cards, it's not hard to see who cheaps out and who doesn't. While this shouldn't really make a difference (and it doesn't, it's just a few dollars, whatever), it pisses me the fuck off. Take last year when I gave a $30 card, received a $25, and watched my brother, whose exchange gift was paid for by out mother, receive a $30 card. My take: -$5. His: +$30.

Of course, this year was even better.

Following the untimely death of my father, the family decided they need to "take care" of us. My mother gets weekend trips and home cooked meals, my brother gets a free Wii (seriously), and I get bullied into quitting smoking (which came with massive weight gain and a cracked tooth). As if this wasn't making me rage-y enough, come X-mas my aunt decides that the best thing she can do for me is pick out my exchange gift. With absolutely no input from me.

I'm really not a complicated person. I like makeup, coffee, The Simpsons, scented candles, and all manner of crap from Ikea. I do cross-stitch and other crafty stuff. Finding a good, non-gift card, gift shouldn't be hard. Finding an adequate gift should be a cakewalk.

Still, I was given this:

As I was unwrapping it, my aunt came by and said that she saw it and thought it was me. I've had this thing for over three weeks now, and I'm still trying to figure out what part of me is reflected in this. First, I'm not a rustic/hippie earthenwear type. Stylistically, it clashes with everything I own. Like, I don't think I even have a pair of shoes that would go with that thing.

The second, and in retrospect, more offensive, aspect of this is the fucking chopsticks. I accepted this graciously, I really did. But then I pulled out the goddamn chopsticks. I managed to keep the bland, "it's really nice" bullshit when anyone asked me if I liked it, but for fuck's sake. Chopsticks? I didn't wrap up a brick of Velveeta and hand it over with a "I just saw it and thought of you". Shit. These people have known me long enough to know better.

I took it in to work so that my coworkers could share in the mockery, and that's about as useful as it'll ever be to me.

Next year: Fuck the family, I'm spending X-mas alone.

Project Runway: Week 6

2008-01-06T11:36:00.000-06:00

I caught this on a Sunday afternoon rerun, and I had to choose between PR and a rerun of The Dog Whisperer that I've somehow seen a couple time. Don't you love The Dog Whisperer? He actually does stuff he help people and teach them to live better lives with their pets.

Also, holy fucking shit Futurama is on Comedy Central right now. I can't wait until the TV-ization of the movie airs.

Do you like product placement? Do you? If you don't, then Bravo reality competitions shows aren't for you. Seriously.

Yeah, they're making garments out of shit from a candy shop. It's important to note that this shit includes pillows, t-shirts, and huge rolls or paper wrappers. So, they're not making dresses out of actual candy.

Honestly, I wasn't paying too much attention until the runway show. I did catch the bit where Elisa was talking about her car accident. If I hadn't already known that she was being auf'ed, I would've guessed it from that. Also, Zac Posen is a judge again. Wee.

On to the clothes:

Rami: Come on, MK, it does look silly: It's candy wrappers and plastic. Undoubtedly, it's well made and exquisitely fitted. Not my pick for the win, but I get why they gave it to him.

Elisa: It would've been a perfectly serviceable dress without the crazy water wings. Not the most exciting thing in the world, but it might have slipped by in the middle.

Jillian: She seems to have a thing for red. I have to admire the risk she took, but I don't love the execution. I initially thought it would've been an interesting idea to use the licorice as faux-boning in a corset top. I didn't realize that she was doing the entire bodice in licorice. If it hadn't been so labour-intensive, I would've given her top 3 spot to either Kevin or Christian.

Victorya: Ugh, so goddamn ugly. The ruffles. It just looks so bad. And she paired it with orange shoes? Yeesh, it doesn't even look well made. And that model walk pose was just weird.

Chris: Fucking love it. It uses the logos without making they logo-y. That op-art pattern is fantastic. It's totally chic and the styling is spot-on. I love how the pattern of the top is sort of mirrored in the bracelets she's wearing. I totally picked him to win.

Sweet P: Boring, but inoffensive. I had visceral reactions to some of the designs that didn't get called out, but this just left me cold. I suspect she got stuck being not quite good enough for middle-of-the-pack and suffered for it.

Ricky: Bubble skirt! I can't help but flash back to Andrae's design for the Barbie competition. In fact, I've just come up with this analogy: Ricky:Andrae as Railroad hat:Short shorts. With that out of the way, his garment looks well made, but I think it's ugly.

Kit: It's all too much. The super-logo'ed top and skirt, the styling with the hair and the boots. I guess what separates her and Rami's designs is that the construction of his was actually interesting. The skirt and the top on this one are just blah with ugly-as-fuck candy wrappers.

Kevin: When he said he was making three pieces, I sort of thought the editing monkeys were setting him up for disaster. I should've known. His garment looks impeccable. I love that he gave her a Hershey bar clutch. I wonder if he actually used Rolos for the buttons.

Christian: The dress itself is pretty uninteresting in terms of the sillhouette and the construction, but the peanut butter cup wrappers give it an interesting texture. I really like it.

Next week: More of this bullshit.

Shit I'm not watching

2008-01-05T23:26:00.000-06:00

So, there was a new ep of Project Runway and I totally forgot that it was coming back.

Yeah. I guess Elisa got auf'ed.

I'm so fucking indifferent I don't know if I'll bother to start watching again. We'll see.

Shit I'm watching

2008-01-05T22:48:00.000-06:00

As if the movies, organic coffee, quinoa cooking DVD extra, daily weather reports, and Gucci ad weren't enough, David Lynch proves himself to be truly awesome:

Ahh, Thailand, to think that all these years I only loved your for your food.

As a history buff, I think my dad would've gotten a kick out of this one:

As if you haven't seen it already, Conan O'Brien & Robert Smigel's super-funny pilot. Because you need to watch something during the strike.

"Honey, you're an idiot. Why don't you do it?"

The greatest Japanese cat-based game show ever.

Finally, this one from latenightunderground.com. It beautifully melds The Shining and Late Night With Conan O'Brien. There's no option to embed, but you should totally visit the site and check out all of the videos.

Why have I not been reading this?

2008-01-04T19:28:00.000-06:00

So, after the delightfully dorky pics of Kanye West playing Connect 4 started showing up everywhere, I actually went and checked out Kanye's blog.

Holy fucking shit.

I was half expecting it to be nothing but shameless self-promotion and a lot of crazy rambling, as celebretards' personal blogs tend to be. But his blog is like a catalogue of cool shit. Like Mindy Kahling's "Things I've Bought That I Love" with less girly-girl stuff filtered through Wallpaper and Giant Robot or something.

Posts about Bathing Ape gear, pop art, and cool-ass modern design stuff (like these livingstones which I'm now coveting), are up among music videos, articles about Jay-Z, and a fair amount of self-promotion. It all makes for an awesome blog and it's really hard not to like a guy who 1. Posts the aforementioned Connect 4 pictures; 2. Includes a clip from American Psycho in his post about seeing Robert Longo lithographs at a gallery; and 3. Goggles over the inflated prices at LAX Burger King (because we'd all do it).

That's not even including the Murakami-love, the fan-made Lupe Fiasco video he posted, a blurb about Bond No. 9's new fragrance, and the tons of posts I haven't had a chance to look at yet.

I almost wish I had work tomorrow, because I know how I'm going to be killing time in the cube farm these days.

@#$%!

2008-01-01T00:26:00.000-06:00

Just got back from a week in San Francisco.

The trip was fun, the return flight was seriously delayed and hellish (damn you, Midwest Airlines! You too, old lady who kept putting on vomiticious scented lotion.).

After dropping off my mother at home, all I wanted to do was have a Diet Coke and the Parisian Macarons I bought at Miette.

It was 11:35 PM. And there was a fucking car parked in my spot. That son of a bitch didn't even have a parking permit tag, so I couldn't get the maintenance guy to go knocking on an apartment door and get him/her the fuck out.

I had to drive around and find street parking. On New Year's Eve. In a bar-heavy area.

Bastard.

PT Cruiser driver who parked in my spot, I hope you get VD or alcohol poisoning tonight.

Happy fucking new year.

Happy Birthday!

2007-12-24T12:51:00.000-06:00

Because tomorrow is what some people believe to be the birthday of their lord, here are some of my favourite Jebus-related pictures I've taken.

First off, this flyer from some Jehovah's Witnesses advertising a convention they were having:

My co-workers agree that he looks like George Michael

circa Freedom-90 here. Check it.

From the back of that same flyer, a photo from the "Full-Costume Bible Drama based on Colossians 3:12" to be performed at the conference. I'm guessing the guy on the left is Jebus.

I must have some sort of Jesus Sense, because I spotted this one in the window of a junk store from across the street.

It's even more Jesus-as-George-Michael goodness, but this time, it's Wham-era George Michael. I guess this explains the "Choose Life" t-shirts.

Sadly, I don't have a picture of the Jebus license plated car, but I do have this:

Not as good, but this is one of the less crazy Jesus-themed things I've seen on people's cars.

For instance, this is a van I saw while stuck in traffic on the Kennedy expressway in Illinois.There's something about the aggressiveness of it that makes it seem even crazier than the Jesus Car. Also, it seems to be part of a fleet of 6 (or more).

Contrast that with the tasteful little Jesus Fish this guy's sporting.

I think it says "I love Jebus, but I'm not gonna get all in your face about it."

Then, of course, there are these guys who will get all in your face about it. If I recall correctly, the questions were:

1. Do you think you're going to heaven? Yes or No.

and

2. Why?

(and there were a series of options to check off as well as an "other" with a fill in the blank).

I do remember clearly that the guy at the booth didn't take kindly to my answers of "No" and "Because it doesn't exist".

What better way to show your love for Jesus than with a brightly coloured, possibly scented candle?

I seriously want one of the psychedelic Virgin Mary candles for my house.

While they're only $1.09, you can be assured that your Jebus candle is the best candle.

Finally, what would a tribute to Jebus be without fresh new pictures of the Jesus Car?

I was trapped behind this guy while he drove 15 mph down a 35 mph street. And, while taking a series of pictures, I damn near rear ended him.

I snapped this one when I was finally able to pass him. If you look at the full-sized image, you can see the "dead baby" doll attached to his car in the upper left corner.

In closing, Happy Birthday Jebus! Thank you for the hours of entertainment your followers have provided me.

Oh My Gawd, Y'all!

2007-12-20T19:07:00.000-06:00

I can't fucking believe it.

On the internets, there was a poorly shot bootleg of the extended first-six-minutes-of-the-movie-containing trailer for the upcoming Batman sequel. And I actually saw it before it got pulled.

I'm seriously unamused by their whole faux-viral marketing scheme, but actually getting to see a snippet of the film has me totally excited. While totally devoid of Christian Bale, I'm sort of sold on Heath Ledger as the Joker. He's actually crazy and scary; not just Jack Nicholson in clown makeup.

The clip is now long-gone and the film doesn't come out until July (in fucking IMAX), but I do have other Batman-related clips to post:

BATMAN The Dark Knight !
Uploaded by He4veN

Notes from the Laundromat

2007-12-17T14:43:00.000-06:00

While I was doing a massive amount of laundry the other day, I was forced to listen to whatever crap happened to be playing on the TV at the laundromat-cum-tanning salon that I sometimes go to. (Note: I go for the laundry, not the tanning.) While I was tempted to sit in my car and listen to the [shudder] radio, that would've been totally wasteful. Plus, I need to watch the dryers and make sure that my stuff is drying properly.

Don't judge me.

Anyway, being forced to overhear conversations and the shit on TV taught me some things:

In A Beautiful Mind, Russell Crowe sounds a lot like Foghorn Leghorn. Like, exactly.

I fucking hate A Beautiful Mind and all its schmaltzy bullshit so much. Arrested Development is the only thing that keeps me from wanting to punch Ron Howard in the face. Well, Arrested and his appearances on The Simpsons. Ahh, Opie, you belong on TV.

Children are terrible, but stupid non-disciplining parents who'd rather have an endless phone conversation about the price of parking are worse. Gawddamnit, lady, either leave the kid at home or make it stop running around and playing with the washer doors.

The movie P.S. I Love You looks like another horrible, insulting, vaguely misogynistic "romantic comedy", and it makes me rage uncontrollably. My mother's going to love it, and tell me all about how much she loved it. And then "joke" about marrying me off. I hate you, chick movies.

Once you mis-hear P.S. I Love You as "Penis, I Love You", you can never un-hear it.

Some people are just total douchebags. Case in point: When some women handing out free Red Bull came around, this a-hole bitched about them not having sugar free and then gave them a "[loud dramatic sigh] I guess I'll take one." You son of a bitch, they're offering you free Red Bull. Take it or don't take it, but don't act like a colossal bastard.

Beyonce singing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" is the second-most hideous thing a person could be forced to hear. The second or third time that ad came on, I briefly made eye contact with some guy who looked just as terrified/nauseated as I felt. Looks like Armani cosmetics is going on my "Do Not Buy" list. Damnit, I really wanted to try the shaping foundation.

Meg Ryan shrilly whining about her finance and her hate of the French is the first most hideous thing that a person could ever be forced to hear. I'm tempted to learn just what that movie was so I can track down the people responsible and go all Patrick Bateman on them. I suppose I should just take comfort in the fact that Meg Ryan and her hideous plastic surgery is no longer making movies.

What have I learned from all this? Do laundry at my building, so I can play Katamari during the dryer cycle. And, don't let the laundry build up so much that you need the giant load washers to get everything done in a reasonable amount of time. Also, that most people are horrible. Unless it's Ron Howard on a TV comedy airing on Fox.

I just hope he sings "Everything I Do"

2007-12-15T17:04:00.000-06:00

So, I just read that Will Arnett (a.k.a. Mr. Amy Poehler, a.k.a. GOB Bluth) will be the voice of KITT in the upcoming (what the fucking fuck?) Knight Rider remake/movie thing.

While I think this is a terrible idea and the network is grossly overestimating the public's desire to see remakes of campy TV shows, I'm completely amused.

I seriously hope that they just recycle lines from Arrested Development. It would be perfect; KITT was a smart-ass car that talked to a guy named Michael, GOB was a smart-ass ~~magician~~ illusionist that talked to his brother, Michael. There are so many fantastic lines to use.

While I don't think they would make this crap-fest great, I think it couldn't hurt to include the following:

GOB singing Everything I Do

His recurring "Come on!"

The classic, "It's an 'illusion', Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money."

And, of course, Franklin.

It's just unfortunate that you can't really have a car do a crazy chicken dance.

Project Runway: Week 5

2007-12-12T21:26:00.000-06:00

The choice was: Watch a new Project Runway or a South Park rerun. South Park was tempting, but the whole "Cartman is desperate to make Stan suck his balls" b-story was just creepy. So, Project Runway it is!

Sweet P called eliminated Chris "delightful". Ha! I love that word.

Model Time! But these aren't models. Praise Xenu they didn't use family members again. Of course, now there's the chance that a woman who lost a shit-load of weight will be made to feel fat because she's not super-skinny. Please don't go there, PR.

Christian's already starting in the interview. It's not aggressively mean, but if anyone makes a "model" cry, my money's on him.

Steve gets wedding dress lady. Wait. That 80's overdone wedding dress was her favourite outfit?

Awww, Sweet P is last again. Her button must be stuck to the bottom of the bag.

So, the challenge is to design an outfit for a randomly assigned model using her former favourite outfit. Actually, this is an awesome amalgamation of former challenges (Clothes off your back in season 2, Family member fiasco in season 3, possibly something else I'm not remembering).

Off to the work room for model talking time!

So much Chris love. He barely existed before this. Wonder if they're setting us up for something. Hmm? Something related to the imminent departure of Jack that was all-but announced last week, maybe?

All these bitches seem pretty respectful to their models.

Christian's black-wearing, colour-and-print-hating model sounds like me. Did I black out and wind up on PR? No, she doesn't appear to be some sort of Asian.

It's fabric shopping time!

Oh, Steve, you are so screwed. If you don't use that dress they're going to kill you. Don't just use it as trim, damnit.

Back to the work room, and Jack is leaving. I'm strangely unmoved. He really didn't make much of an impression on me, and the interviews are probably post-treatment, so he's not dead. The designers? Are sad about it. Not to be totally insensitive, but this episode has spent a lot of time dealing with the designers' feelings. Quit moping and get to designing, bitches!

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Back to the show. In the workroom, Ricky is trying on the outfit he's making. Including the heels. Hee. Wait, is that a navel ring? Ew!

And Chris is back. So not shocked at all. But really? They didn't bring someone back when Keith left last season. Whateva, I'm over it.

Workroom working with models and shit. And we get to see clothes! Woo!

Christian did a poufy sleeve? Shocker. Still, the pleating on the front of that top is sort of working for me.

Did Steven dye his dress black? No, he just hasn't used any part of it yet. Jebus.

Tim Gunn is here, and is he mocking Christian? I choose to believe he is. Ha.

Okay, so Steve is just using that big-ass dress to make a collar and cuffs? It was nice to meet you, Steven, I'll be so sorry to see you go.

And Chris is talking sailor suits. If Laura Bennett couldn't make a sailor suit work, you sure as fuck can't. Gawd, don't these people watch past seasons?

Jillian is talking about her garment and I have no idea what she's saying, but I can't help but focus on her dictation. Jeff at Television Without Pity commented on it, but I totally didn't notice until now. It's sort of creepy.

Christian is talking shit about the other designs. He's not wrong about Steve, Chris, and Elisa making some fug-ass shit, but he used that "judges might die over/die because of" line before. It wasn't that clever to start with, and it definitely loses its sting the second time around.

Ricky's crying! Drink.
Crying in the interview, and then in the workroom! Drink again!

OMG! It's time to head out and Steve's not ready, but they're all such super-nice people that they're helping him. I'm inexplicably reminded of Steve's Titanic comment a few weeks ago.

Poll time: Who would you want to come back? Laura Bennett!

It's time for a fashion show! With our guest judge Patrick Robinson from the Gap. I guess this works. The Gap is clothes for normal people, and they're doing clothes for normal women. We'll see how this goes. He may just be bowled over by the unstoppable quipping, bronzing force that is TopAmericanDesignerMichaelKors and NinaGarciaFromElleMagazine.

Sweet P has a whole lot of olive/khaki fabric. Olive green plus orange skin is never good, but that dress is pretty cute.

Jillian apparently bought all new fabric to make the dress. I wonder how this will pan out. It's a super-cute halter dress that looks amazingly well-made and the black stripe detail is nice.

Ricky did a cute outfit with a sleeveless empire-waisted-ish flowy top and a pair of denim capris. It's cute, but I feel like the top is a little unflattering on her. The proportions seems to make her look way pear-shaped, but it could just be the terrible camera angles and the fact that I didn't get to see it for more than 5 seconds.

Chris's isn't a sailor outfit, thank buddha. But that top, the fit, my eyes! Gah.

I have to admit that I love Christian's outfit, poufy sleeves and all. The detailing on the shirt won me over. I would wear that shit.

And now we have Victorya's green velvet dress. It's pretty meh, and the lighting is so bad that I can't pick out any details.

Elisa's look has a top with a weird hem, and they don't show much of the fucking dress. I have no idea what's going on there.

Kit did a super-cute dress. I like how she used the original fabric as an under-layer on the skirt.

Kevin's strapless top looks really well tailored, but I've already decided that I love Christian's design. Plus leggings. Barf.

Steven's dress is so boxy and just yarg. He's so leaving this week.

Rami's dress had a great halter top and a really well-tailored skirt.

Kevin, Elisa, Jillian, Steve, Christian, and Chris get called out. At least this means I get to check out the fuggery. Elisa's dress has some weird layering going on. Unflattering. Steve's looks cheap and totally matronly. I have no idea if it's at all well-tailored and I know I loved Jack's square neckline last week, but this is just hideous.

Poll result: The people have chosen Daniel Vosovic. The people don't know shit.

And we're back with results. Christian wins, and I'm strangely pleased. Yes, he still sucks, but that design was kickass. To nobody's surprise, Steve is auf'ed. Goodbye, Steve, the next time I'm at the Museum of Science and Industry, I'll think of you. Then I'll go looking for the baby chickens that may or may not be there. Ricky, it looks like you're my favourite.

Next Week: It looks like they're making stuff out of garbage again. I'm sure there's a twist to it, and they're using, like, street vendor wrappers or something.

Project Runway: Week 4 Delayed Reaction

2007-12-11T20:38:00.000-06:00

So, I wasn't going to write anything and then when I was at the gym last night I was thinking about the "collections" and trying to figure out just why Team Jillian won (besides the fact that everyone else produced pure unadulterated fug), and I decided to write something.

This week’s challenge? Design a collection using fashion trends of the past.

I hate team challenges so much. Maybe it’s because I've never been much of a team player, but mostly it's because the judging seems so fucked up and leader-centric. When a “team” wins, credit goes to the leader, even if it’s an undeserved win by a shit-ass designer who lucked out picking teammates (see, Season 3 Macy’s Challenge, with Angela, Mychael, and Laura). Alternately, a decent designer could get auf’ed for getting stuck with a crappy team and get bounced for someone else's shitty construction skills. Plus, this show has demonstrated over and over that if a team leader actually acts like the leader and takes some responsibility for what went wrong, they're auf'ed. When the teams were nominating their leaders, all I could think was, “Dude, sucks to be you.”

Now for the collections:

I thought I might like Team Jillian’s collection now, but I still sort of hate it. Also, it seems that the trends were Overalls, Poodle Skirts, and 70’s Flare (not denim). This doesn’t change anything, but it does make me wonder, “Why all the fucking denim?” and also, “Oh, 70’s flare. Right.”, which doesn’t really make any sense.

Anyway, looking over stills of the collections, it’s clear that this one had to win, if only for it’s cohesiveness. In addition to the denim, there were similar silhouettes (see the necklines on Jillian’s piece and Rami’s dress) and there were common details like the buttons on Jillian’s piece and Kevin’s shorts and the fabric from Kevin’s top being used as trim in Rami’s dress.

Plus, the interpretation of trends wasn’t totally literal. Jillian’s piece looks like a wide-legged jumpsuit my mother owned in the 70’s (it was sleeveless purple polyester with a ruffled v-neck), but the denim is evocative of overalls. Rami’s dress isn’t really a poodle skirt, but the volume is reminiscent of one. I’m not really sure what’s going on with Kevin’s look. Maybe the fabric in the top or the high-waistedness of the shorts is supposed to be 70’s. I do like that the belt/waistband detailing is like the hook things on a pair of overalls.

It turns out that Team Christian had Zoot Suit, Fringe, and Pleather. Looking at the pictures, I have no fucking clue where those things come in to play. From what I understand, Zoot Suits tended to be sort of broad-shouldered affairs that were done up in bright-ish colours. I guess the pinstripe fabric, pencil skirts, and the vest on Christian’s look were evocative of suits, but still.

Looking back over this one, though, I like Kit’s outfit more than I originally did. I’m a sucker for a black & white outfit, the contrasting prints actually work together, and the cap sleeves are a nice detail. The jacket on Christian’s outfit looks like a cardigan and it just doesn’t work with the puffy top. Jack’s dress still make me cringe for all the same reasons it did originally (leggings, shapeless, crazy Vincent-esque pockets, whickety-whack trim), but I do like the neckline on it.

Seeing Team Chris’s collection makes me wonder just what the hell went on there. They don’t look like they belong together at all. Steven’s especially stands out, but Chris and Sweet P’s pieces look like they just happened to be made in the same colour.

My original assessment stands. Chris’s bolero was fug, Steven’s outfit was meh (and sort of looked like he basically copied the picture he was given), and Sweet P’s dress looked great in comparison.

The obvious downfall was the original decision to design their own pieces using their own trends and just do them in the same fabric. What made Team Jillian's collection successful was that they seemed to incorporate elements from each other’s work.

For all the sturm und drang, Team Rick-torya put out the worst collection. The pieces were just as disconnected as they were for Team Chris, but they didn’t even seem to include two of the required trends. And, that’s if you accept the pink and yellow detailing on the pieces as “neon”.

Seriously, it’s a set of three satin mini-dresses that look like they were pulled from the clearance rack at an “everything’s $10” store in one of those depressing strip malls that also houses a dollar store and an on-the-verge-of-closing Walgreens. At least Team Chris managed to put out pieces that looked well-made.

Considering that Ricky is a former lingerie designer, a fact that has been mentioned multiple times and is probably on his little title card thing they show, you’d think that there would be something that looked like underwear. His dress in the first competition would’ve worked better for this than anything that actually got made here. Plus, cut outs? Anywhere? I think a keyhole top would’ve sufficed. I suppose the one thing that didn’t make me want to projectile vomit was the fact that Victorya did own up to getting construction help from Ricky.

This episode was so full of faux drama that I didn't bother to rewatch. It's clear that in terms of their technical abilities, this is probably the best group of contestants, but the episodes have been painfully uninteresting. What initially drew me in to the show was watching people designing great (ant not-so-great) clothes, not watching people act like douchebags.
There's nothing else on TV right now, and I still have to force myself to watch this show. Come on, Project Runway people, do something other than annoy me.

NextWeek (okay, tomorrow): Some stuff is going to happen. Let's see if I can pretend to give a shit.

Project Runway: Week 4

2007-12-05T21:59:00.000-06:00

Last Week: Jack "Pretty Boy" won, Carmen "Former Model" got auf'ed, and I didn't bother re-watching because I just didn't' care that much.

This Week: I think I know these people's names. Which is good, because I can't really remember the stupid nicknames I made up. Also, group challenge!

But first, damn, Heidi looks orange in the credits. I don't think I've watched them this season. Jebus cripes. woman, what the hell did they do to you? You look totally normal in the Victoria Secret fashion show pictures from last month.

Also, there's credits over my first two minutes of show. Weird.

The models are back, and they have names. I don't remember any of those names, but two were vaguely Eastern European-sounding. Jack swaps models, and "New!Andrae" Ricky gets pissy about it. For real? It's, like, the third challenge with them. You can't be too attached to those bitches.

Off to the workroom for one of PR's patented "big reveals that aren't really that big, and sort of disappointing if they haven't already been some how spoiled". Before said reveal, I notice that "Hippie Lady" Elisa is wearing what look like giant handbag-shaped earrings. I think I want them.

The super-special guest is fashiondirectorforEllemagazine Nina Garcia. I love Nina, but big fucking deal. And, it's all "blah, blah, past fashion trends and shit".
So, the challenge this week is: Pick a hideous fashion trend of the past, get together with two other designers and their trends, and design a collection that incorporates all three. There's shit like cut outs, underwear as outer wear, all-denim. At first I thought they were all 80's trends, but poodle skirts and zoot suits were included, so I'm not sure. I wish leggings or at least legging with skirt were included, because they're just as bad as neon or all-denim.

Shockingly, Christian the New Wave Boy goes for the zoot suit. I thought he would've jumped at shoulder pads.

Now is the time on PR when we shop!
Christian, team star? Really? You're all fierce? Jebus. You suck so hard. Seriously, lady, you're like some sort of Paris-Hilton-idolizing, TMZ-reading, 12-year-old girl in a 21-year-old faux hipster douchebag's body. Hate you so much.

Steven of the Chicago Museum's nonchalant relay of Chris's "looks like my grandmother's goddamn couch" comment somehow made him my favourite.

Back to work, bitches!
Gotta say, Ricky's dealing with Elisa was awesome. He wasn't condescending or assy to her, and his explanation of working with hippie dance instructors was totally amusing.

Last week there was singing. This week a Tim-pression. Please stop. You people aren't Santino. Don't remind me of him.

Mid-challenge model fitting! Did they do this in the past? If not, I hope it's a permanent thing for the season. It could definitely help the better designers, and filter out the ones who just can't tailor or construct a garment to save their lives. Not really getting a good look at the clothes yet. Team Chris/Steven/Sweet P doesn't look hideous, but it's not all that interesting. Team Ricky/Victorya/Elisa looks seriously cheap. I guess shiny neon fabric does that.

I hate all the team challenge drama. So uninteresting. The only one not included was Team Christian/Jack/Kit, so they're probably not going to win or lose this one.

If Steven wasn't my favourite, Ricky would be for his, "I don't think smashing her boobs is 'polished'" comment.

It's Runway Time!
Team Jillian/Kevin/Rami had overalls, all-denim, and poodle skirts. Jillian's overalls are fug by virtue of the fact that they're fucking overalls. On Kevin's outfit, all I see is the froufrou neck cowl. Rami's dress is actually sort of cute.

Team Chris/Steven/Sweet P had shoulder pads, dance wear, and oversized sweaters. The dress that Chris did was nice, but that jacket was all sorts of ugly. Leaving it off was totally not an option, though, because his trend was shoulder pads. Steven's outfit was totally meh. The satiny wrap top said "I'm a wrap top" and the leggings attempted to claw my eyes out with their hideousness. I'm not sure if I actually like it, or it just stands out compared to the other two, but Sweet P's sweater dress was pretty cute. It would be ghastly on someone over 100lbs, but it looked great on her model.

Team Christian/Jack/Kit was zoot suit, somethign else, and something else. Seriously, between my contempt for Christian and my suspicion that they were just "in", I didn't pay that much attention. I do know that I hate Jack's dress with a firey passion. It was a shapeless sac with some sort of crazy trim, and it was worn over leggings. I think I'm going to puke.

Team Ricky/Victorya/Elisa had neon, underwear as outer wear, and cut outs. Like I said before the shiny neon fabric made everything look super cheap. Ricky's dress looked like it had a terrible fit up top. Elisa's looks oddly-proportioned and the triangle business draws me back to the cheap thing. Victorya's is just... yarg.

Huh, Team Jillian won. I guess I can see that.
See, Team Christian is "in" and can leave the runway.

I fucking hate the "who should go" question, because it's so obviously meant to start shit. At least everyone was pretty straightforward this time. They must've gotten all cried out on Week 2.

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I feel like I should, but I just can't see Sweeney Todd. It's a musical, an old one that's been on Broadway and shit. Can't do it. Even if it is about someone selling meat pies made from humans. And it has Johnny Depp. And Ali G. And is directed by Tim Burton. Not gonna do it.

And we're back.
Steve and Ricky are safe to battle it out for my favourite. Chris is auf'ed. Given that he was sort of a non-entity until this episode, is anyone surprised?

Next Week:
Shenanigans with the models, the judges make bitchy comments, there's something up with Jack. My prediction: Plus-sized models. You know, size 6 fatties.