I am not a number. I am a free man!

I got summoned for jury duty. It comes in an envelope with "Official Jury Duty Summons" printed on the outside in big block letters. As if knowing that your mail carrier saw it is going to pressure you into serving. My motivation was less civic duty and more the shitstorm I call my job. A month ago, the prospect of getting out of work for a few days--even for jury duty--seemed like a positive.

How wrong I was.

So, the first day everybody's there at 8:30 and we're all herded into an auditorium-type room with nowhere near enough seats. Some high-ranking court official came out and gave a pep talk that was all "it's not like Law & Order... this is your civic duty... no one's too important to serve". The main thing that I remember was that at one point he compared jury duty to the draft; when I got the summons, my first instinct was to burn it up. Then there was an instructional video that reiterated his points (minus the draft thing). A person from the Blood Center came out and attempted to guilt us all in to giving blood while waiting to be called. Guh. I think it's a cool program, but pictures of sick children who will be receiving my life-giving blood will not motivate me.

And then you wait. Forever.

If you ever show up for jury duty, bring a book, a laptop,MP3 player, homework, work work, portable DVD player, mildly offensive cross-stitch project. Something to keep you occupied while you wait. The waiting game is particularly inspired on the court's part. By the time they call your name, you're actually relieved that there's something to break the monotony. The prospect of entering a courtroom and watching stuff is appealing. That feeling wears of just as you're taking a seat in the jury box.

If you were unfortunate enough to get a low number (juror #5, bitches!), there is a very good chance that you will get picked. People will tell you all sorts of outlandish things to do to get kicked off of a jury; say you're racist, tell the judge you hear voices, dress like a hobo, commit a felony. While some or all of these may work, there's no reason to get all weird and lie--unless you are a racist schizophrenic hobo felon. You can read the complete works of the Marquis de Sade or blast NWA's Fuck tha Police from your MP3 player all you want, but unless you're doing it in front of the judge it's not going to affect your chances of serving.

Based on the first jury I was dismissed from, there are some things that will get you tossed from the jury:

1. Know somebody else on the jury. They take the "don't talk about the case outside of the deliberation room" thing very seriously. It could be a coworker you don't actually know or a former neighbor you haven't seen in 15 years; if they think there's a chance you'll be gabbing about the case over lunch you're out of there.
2. Have something that could make you identify with one side. I'm not talking about race or gender, although I'm assuming that comes in to play. If things in your life that you've seen or done or had done to you could make you sympathetic to the plaintiff or defendant, you're out. It's called bias, people, exploit it. Don't want to serve on the armed robbery trial? Tell the judge about the time you were mugged walking home. Or that your BFF is a police officer. Or that you work the night shift at a gas station. You can swear up and down on a stack of bibles that it won't affect your judgement, but you won't have to stick around for opening statements.
   
3. Have a job that you'll keep on doing. This was actually my out on the two juries I was thrown in to. It's unlikely that you'll be sequestered, and the court can't tell you what to do once you're dismissed for the day. The DA asked if anyone worked third shift during the trial. I took that opportunity to tell them that, if picked, I would probably be going in to work for at least a half day after court every day of the trial. This was 99% true, and the suggestion that I wouldn't be devoting every waking our to their trial of utmost importance was enough to get me kicked off the jury.
4. Get a high juror number. It seems that they just go down the line and take the first 14 that aren't totally egregious. If you're juror #28, you probably don't have to do a goddamn thing but wait it out.

Of course, not getting picked for one jury doesn't mean you're home free. After getting booted from the first jury I was in the hostage room for all of 5 minutes before getting called for the second one. When I weaseled my way out of that one, I was told to come back the next day. Shit.

The second day jury pool was made up of left over non-picked jurors from the first day with no reinforcements. Anyone still not picked by lunch was allowed to go home, but I was left wondering if I shouldn't have just followed the advice of a certain saucy puppet show.