She got the "Stupid" part right

I somehow ended up with a copy of Stupid and Contagious, and, against my better judgment, read it. That lame neo-Coupland chick-lit faux-hipster tripe made me want to drive a spike through my head. I kept hoping that it would get good; that something would happen; but, no.

The characters were shallow collections of odd names and quirky behaviours. (Her name's Heaven, she's got all these obnoxious OCD-like tics, she's obsessed with getting married! He's a big pussy, but he's cool because he works in the music industry!) The back & forth narration switching reminded me of the lame-ass Babysitter Club books I read when I was in elementary school. Seriously, what the fuck? The pop culture references sprinkled throughout seemed like a pathetic attempt to appeal to a younger audience. Yes: Tab, Funnyuns, Starbucks, Nirvana. Damn, you're edgy.

Look, if you want an amusing discourse on pop culture minutiae, strike up a conversation with your 20-something friends/neighbours/coworkers. I imagine they'll also reveal themselves to have weird quirks as well as actual personalities. Just last week I found myself drawn into a 30 minute discussion about pudding pops what was infinitely more intelligent and entertaining than any aspect of this book.

I still wonder if I was just reading it wrong. While any review or mention of this suggests that it's straightforward chick-lit, I wonder if it wasn't supposed to be satirical. The stupid characters, the wacky narration, and everything else that's horribly wrong would make sense. It still wouldn't make it a good book, though.

What really brings out the hate for me was the main character. I absolutely loathe female characters who feel a compelling need to be married by age X. I hate it when actual character development is given up in favour of throwing together a collection of crazy quirks. And, I can't stand it when I'm expected to root for obnoxious, vapid, narcissists.

I left my copy on the $1 table at a used book store, but now I wish I had kept it so I could set it on fire.

According to Amazon, the author has a new book due out this year. It appears to be more of the same. If there's any justice in this world, she'll do a reading/signing near me, and I'll get to punch her in the face for wasting my time.

Pride: It's another word for Shame

While I had some down time at work the other day, I was leafing through a discarded ID badge catalogue. There were ID tags and lanyards and card stock and all the other standard crap you’d expect to find. I was appalled by some of the cutesy badge designs, and mildly embarrassed for the catalogue models. Those poor bastards forced to wear an American flag-themed lanyard and smile, as if to say, “These kicky designs increased my productivity by 10%.”

Still, the whole thing was pretty uninteresting until I got to the last page. Lapel pins. Motivational lapel pins. The actual headline on the page was “Pins Display Pride. Especially when your team wears them on their lanyards!”


The gold star made sense in a moronic sort of way, as did the “Excellence” and “Safety Award” pins. However, there was a series of enamel pins that were just moronic. What the hell sort of person is going to wear a lightbulb-shaped pin that says “Way to Glow!”? Or one that actually says “Shining Star”? The one I found most disturbing was a green hand that said “High 5”. This is not a pin that you wear in a professional work environment. This is a pin that you wear when your TGIFriday's manager is bitching at you about wearing the required number of pieces of flair.

If that's a display of pride, I think I'll stick with shame.

'Round here, we call them "subs"

Woo! New episode of Heroes tonight. I think this might be my new favourite TV show, which is weird, because I’m not a superhero/comic book kind of girl. Yes, I’ve watched geeky sci-fi shows before. And, sure, I was a Buffy fan for a bit. But it seemed weird that I was even interested in this show. I guess it’s because it has one thing I can’t resist: Bryan Fuller. Thanks to Dead Like Me and Wonderfalls, I am completely his bitch, and will at least attempt to watch any show that has his involvement.

I’m trying not to get too involved, though. After the general assyness of Lost that started around the end of the first season and the ridiculous coma baby/long lost father/child-molesting mayor/Irish mafia that was Veronica Mars' second season, I don’t want to get burned by a TV show again.

For now, I’m being cautiously optimistic. The show is about superheroes, but it has managed to strike an acceptable balance of fantasy and reality. It has yet to cross the line into stupidly contrived deus ex machina where things don’t make sense, even in the context of the show’s fake universe. The cast is, for the most part, solid, and the guest stars didn’t stink of stunt casting. George Takei’s guest spot had me worried, but he was awesome. Not a Star Trek reference in sight. The plot arcs are progressing nicely, and the backstory pieces serve to enhance the action. The show hasn’t fallen into the Lost trap of doing a whole episode about some event from someone’s past, and having it serve purely as the moral of the day while teaching us nothing new about the character or advancing the plot in any way.

I really only have two complaints about the show. First, nothing stops an episode’s momentum like one of the interminable cop drama vignettes. I get the impression that people love Greg Grunberg, but, jebus fucking christ, his character’s plotline is just so dull. I don’t care about his failing marriage or his shortcomings as a cop or his rapport with Clea Duval. Shouting "Be less boring" at my television isn’t going to fix anything, so I’m sort of hoping that they just kill him off. Similarly, the whole Niki plotline feels too disconnected from the rest of the action, and it’s sort of repetitive. Yes, she’s Niki/she’s Jessica, good/evil, creamy/chunky, Ali Larter/Diana Krall. We get it. Now, do something. I’m hoping there’s going to be one hell of a payoff, because I I think Ali Larter kicks ass.

I suspect tonight’s episode may take care of both of these problems, so, good on you, Heroes. If it goes well, I may choose to ignore the whole ambiguously-gay-except-no!-he’s-totally-straight sidekick thing. Or maybe not.

I just hope that after this season they don’t fuck it up. If the second season starts back at the beginning with a different set of heroes I’ll throw a brick through my TV. Then I’ll throw my TV through the windows of the producers’ office.

The lastest

My new Shiseido eyelash curler came in the mail today. All of the writing is in Japanese, so I can only make out that it's model #213, by Shiseido, and may have originally cost 800 yen. Good thing the website I bought it from has the important information in English:

Shiseido The lastest Eye Curler 213
It is made according to 4000 girls' eyes.
Best Eye Curler which suits all the girl's eyes
Without hard press, your eyelashes will immediately become curly as lovely doll!
No longer hurt lashes, No more falling lashes
Try it now!
(One Refill is included)

I tried it out, and my lashes really are curly as lovely doll.

Unrelated, but I don't want to start another post for fear that my browser will crash again:

I was going to write something about two different women I saw wearing Uggs today, and how they're hideous, and you shouldn't pair them with sweatpants, and if they're tight around your calves they're not for you, etc. However, ugly, formerly trendy shoes are always trumped by random jackassery.

Having lunch at a Chinese restaurant, I watched a guy try to eat with chopsticks. I assumed the only reason he was even using chopsticks was to impress the woman he was with, because he was trying to pick up an egg roll. I sort of wanted to walk over and tell him that he could eat the egg roll with his hands, but maybe she was impressed. I wouldn't try to pick up an egg roll with chopsticks, but he seemed to almost make it happen.

Really, who am I to criticize? My yellow ass generally avoids using chopsticks because I don't want to seem too chinky (and, also, I don't actually know how to use them). But, if some cracker-ass honky wants to use chopsticks, why the hell not? Oh, right, because he didn't actually know how to use them. And he was trying to pick up an egg roll. Ass.

Bond Girl

I'm obsessed with Bond No. 9 fragrances. Maybe it's the culty exclusivity of the line; maybe it's the packaging; or, maybe it's that Bond actually makes really good product. I don't know. There's just something about them.


I can't remember exactly how I first found out about them--I suspect teh internets played a significant role--but, ever since the day the Bond lady at Saks handed over a fistful of their candy-wrapped samples, I've been hooked. Every scent isn't a winner, but if I had the money I'd buy them all and keep them in a special climate-controlled cabinet in my living room so I could just look at them every day.


I got my first real bottle of Bond No. 9 perfume today. As a "haven't smoked for 2 weeks" gift to myself, I splurged on a full sized bottle of the Scent of Peace. I love Scent of Peace, but what I was really after was a sample of Bryant Park, and I didn't want to call and order just a tiny little (free) sample.

Anyway, Bryant Park. It's premiering during Olympus Fashion Week (now), and will be available starting March 1. The notes are rose, raspberry, patchouli, pink pepper, rhubarb, lily of the valley, and amber. I wore it today, and mostly got raspberry and patchouli (a subtle, spicy, earthy patchouli; not the filthy hippie funk my freshman roommate would douse herself with), which made for a pleasant, light spring fragrance. It was fairly long-lasting, even making it though 8 hours at my stinky micro lab job. I would've liked a bit more of the pepper note, though.

It's similar to Apparition from Ungaro (which is also about 1/3 of the price of Bond). However, Apparition is like a punch in the face and a kick in the crotch compared to the subtlety of Bryant Park. The patchouli is too strong, the raspberry is cloying and synthetic, and the cayenne pepper randomly comes and goes, leaving a trail of burnt out olfactory receptors.

From what I've read, though, Bryant Park smells very different on everyone. On some, there's more rose. Other's get a lot of pepper. I think I hit the jackpot with my spicy raspberry sniff, but I'll wear it for a few more days to be sure. Still, I think this one might be my "haven't smoked for 2 months" gift.

Photo from http://bondno9fragrances.blogharbor.com/blog

Five for 5: Puppet Shows

For the past few weeks, I have found myself up on Sunday morning watching a children's puppet show. There's something oddly enjoyable about watching puppets over your first cup of coffee in the morning. Anyway, this got me thinking about puppet shows for adults and children; and, I came up with my top 5 list of puppet shows:

• Sifl and Olly - This might be one of my favourite television shows ever. It had more going for it than "puppets doing naughty stuff". Yes, watching puppets do drugs/have sex/swear is funny, but the novelty wears off very quickly. This show probably would've worked with human actors, but the puppets made it funnier. Plus, it had some of the best original music on TV ever.
After two seasons, MTV pulled the plug; and the third season was released on a no longer available DVD. A lot of clips, and some full episodes were available on YouTube, but it seems that Viacom has been pulling them. Bastards. Nine years after the premiere, MTV still hasn't put the first two seasons out on DVD. Come on, bitches, the rights to "I Know What Boys Like" can't be that expensive.


• Avenue Q - Normally, I would rather have root canal than sit through two hours of musical theatre. However, this show--with its puppets and humans and Gary Coleman--appeals to me in a strange way. I got the soundtrack about a year after the show started its run, and thought that it might just be the greatest musical the world has ever had. Recently, through the magic of the internets, I acquired a shitty bootleg video and was able to see that it is the greatest musical that the world has ever had.
  While, officially, there is no affiliation with the Jim Henson corporation, it's essentially Sesame Street grown up. The cheery songs are about racism and schadenfreude. The cuddly puppets are closeted gay republicans and internet porn addicts. And, did I mention Gary Coleman?
  


• Wonder Showzen - Another puppet show from MTV. Another Sesame Street for adults. However, while Avenue Q recast the inhabitants as adults, Wonder Showzen keeps the kids and has them doing and saying wildly inappropriate things. It maintains all of the elements of Sesame Street (letter of the day, crappy animaions, weird stock footage bits, kids saying the darnedest things), but makes them more adult. Ever wanted to see the letter of the day binge drinking? Now you can.
The show tends to be a bit uneven, but the funnier bits are definitely worth it. Besides, how can you not like a puppet named "Chauncy"?


• Mystery Science Theater 3000 - The only thing better than sassy puppets is sassy robot puppets. I was a big fan of this show when it was on TV, but in the years following its cancellation, I just sort of forgot about it. Then I checked YouTube and found this gem. And, this one. Ahh, the short films. These horrible, wonderful things would've languished in obscurity if not for this show.
If anything, this show speaks to the comforting power of puppets. Any one of these films would be enough to drive a man to suicide, but having a snarky shit-talking puppet nearby makes it all better.


• "The Altered State of Druggachusettes" from Mr. Show - If you're anything like me, you're thoroughly freaked out by the puppet shows of Sid & Marty Krofft. This Mr Show sketch seems to retain most of what makes the Krofft productions horrible, but manages to be completely funny. Rewatching the sketch, it occurred to me that the puppets were the least scary aspect of those shows. I can't bring myself to look up any actual Krofft shows, but I'm beginning to suspect that there were scarier puppets on Fraggle Rock.
Anyway, thank you, Mr. Show, for at least having the decency to attach a proper warning.

Sweet Jebus, no

Remember when Coming to America came out and Eddie Murphy played, like, three different characters? That was a good movie. It was totally funny: Randy Watson & Sexual Chocolate, Soul-Glo, She's your queen to be! Disagree? Fuck you, bitches, that shit will always be funny.

Not funny: Any subsequent films in which Eddie Murphy played multiple roles. Also, any subsequent films in which Eddie Murphy starred, was featured, or had a cameo appearance.

What this is driving at is Norbit. I read a blurb about it on I Watch Stuff, and I thought it was a joke. Then, I saw a trailer for it the other night, and a little piece of me died. Jebus fucking christ, why? Why the hell do they keep making these movies? Why the hell do people keep paying to see these movies?

Look, I think we can all agree that Eddie Murphy has the potential to be very funny (if you don't agree, check out this or listen to "Party All the Time" once). However, multiple Eddie Murphys isn't automatically funny. In fact, I'm inclined to think that Coming to America was just a fluke, and multiple Eddie Murphys is never funny.

When Norbit is released, just remember the method that's got Paul Anka's guarantee (guarantee void in Tennesee): Just don't look.

Together, we can stop this cinematic plague of fat jokes, fart jokes, and multiple Eddie Murphys (none of which are funny). If people stop paying to see these movies, they will stop making them. And, if you think that Norbit or the next Eddie Murphy Fat Suit Project looks like it might be good, just count to ten and go rent one of his pre-Nutty Professor comedies.
Remember: One Eddie Murphy who's funny and likeable is always better than four Eddie Murphys you want to kick in the crotch.