I Still Hate Everyone: The Return

In this post I mentioned that they're allegedly going to be making a series of movies based on board games. The whole concept fills me with rage. Have we really turned in to such a cultural wasteland that we're no longer content to remake classic and foreign films, adapt books, comics, TV shows, or sketches from TV shows? It's only a matter of time before Coupon: The Movie is a grim reality.


Still, I knew I had seen a sketch about a "Chutes and Ladders" movie, but I worried that it had come from SNL or (shudder) Mad TV. Fortunately, it was a Robot Chicken gag, and was actually pretty funny.*

Note, this originally aired in 2006.
*Not funny: That this may actually happen.

Yeah, Wall-E isn't a Brad Bird joint. I'm less interested in seeing it. Still, I'd watch Pixar's worst film a million times over before I endure one of Dreamworks' crapfests or the steaming pile of celebretard-voiced shit that Horton Hears a Who looks to be. The commercials currently airing either pimp out the cast or feature a sing along of REO Speedwagon's Can't Fight This Feeling (and I'm so ashamed that I know that without the aid of google).


I'm mostly indifferent to the news that they might be remaking The Breakfast Club. I've seen parts of it on Sunday afternoon cable and have gotten enough of it to know that I don't like it. I think I'm about five years too young to have been swept away in the unstoppable wake of John Hughes teen comedies. I think it's asinine to remake it, though. From what I've read, they're doing a reimagining of the story and making it about twenty-somethings at an airport.

If they're going to do that, it should be pointed out that we already have a reimaging of The Breakfast Club. It's still set in a high school and uses the same lame-ass archetypes, but it has alien monsters and Robert Rodriguez and Elijah Wood transitioning from child actor to hobbit. That's right, bitches, The Faculty. Hell, there's even a scene where new girl/alien gives her own version of the last dialogue from The Breakfast Club.


I'm not proud, but I watched No Reservations on DVD. I can't even make a lame joke about it not being at all like Anthony Bourdain's memoir No Reservations. I knew that it would be horrible, and I'd hate myself for watching, but I figured there'd be some possibly decent food porn. No such luck. It's like Baby Boom, but without the delightfulness of Diane Keaton to make it tolerable. If Dark Knight doesn't kick ass, you're dead to me, Aaron Eckhart.

I Still Hate Everyone

Sometimes, in my weaker moments, I ask myself why I won't fork over $10 to see a movie in the theatre. Then I think about the movies being released and contemplate spending that $10 on materials for nail bombs to send to people who make movies.

What's pissing me the hell off today? To start, there are the new Mike Meyers/Will Ferrell/Larry the goddamn Cable Guy movies. Then there's the whole "movies based on board games" thing. And then there's everything else that's horribly wrong with movies:

• They're remaking Rosemary's Baby. Goddamnit, you guys, don't remake good movies. At least don't remake good classic movies. Didn't you learn anything from the remakes of Psycho, The Manchurian Candidate, or Shaft?
  


• They're also remaking A Take of Two Sisters. I saw the original Korean film last year and not only was it scary as hell, it was absolutely beautiful. The moody lighting, the super-saturated colours; it rivaled Christopher Doyle's best work. Maybe I'm just partial to Asian women in red lipstick, but do you really think a shit-ass American remake will have anything that looks as good as this one shot?
  
  
• I watched the Meet Bill trailer, and my train of though went something like this:
  Aaron Eckhart has a new movie coming out. Sweet! He's sometimes awesome.
  He's kind of a schlub. That's bad. I like my Aaron Eckhart like I like my men: smarmy sons of bitches.
  It has a mildly amusing premise. That's-Not so fast. There's a high probability of some feel-good bullshit ending-fuck. That's bad
  The supporting cast looks promising ... but it includes Jessica Alba Goddamnit you son of a bitch. Can't I ever have anything?
  Looks like he's in a speedo at some point. Too late. It's over. I'm going to go watch In the Company of Men and Thank You For Smoking and forget I saw this.


• Superhero Movie.


• Rumors are Spike Jonez's Where the Wild Things Are film is being reshot because it's "too weird" and "too scary" for kids in test audiences. It's been a while since I last read the book, but I sort of remember it as being a little weird and a little scary. Besides, what kind of idiot takes their kid to a Spike Jonez movie? When I first heard about this film, I assumed it was going to be totally aimed at adults. I watched the "leaked test footage" that was all over teh internets, and I though it was totally charming.
  



• Finally, I watched Ratatouille* and The Incredibles together last Sunday, and I'd like there to be a moratorium on animated films not directed by Brad Bird. While Wall-E** is oddly intriguing (I'm hoping it's more Iron Giant than Short Circuit), the piece-of-shit panda movie fills me with unspecified rage. Maybe it's because the participation of Jackie Chan makes me suspect it'll be an extended chink joke.
  

* Firefox spellcheck, while awesome, recommended Bouillabaisse, Guillemots, Guillemot's, and Guillemot as corrections for Ratatouille.
** A few days later, I've done some fact-checking and realized that Brad Bird is not involved in Wall-E. It's actually the Finding Nemo guy. Regardless, my statements stand; they're just sort of non-sequitor-ish.