From tragedy comes something

Recent events have put me on the wrong end of the funeral receiving line, and I’ve spent the past two weeks wanting to do nothing more than eat an entire cheesecake, smoke a couple cartons of Marlboro lights, and drink my volumetric equivalent in gin & tonics. Although I had the perfect excuse, I didn’t do any of those things. Instead, I dragged my ass back to work, and have been chewing so much nicotine gum that my jaws are constantly sore.

Anyway, my horrible tragedy can be your gain, as I’m offering up some funeral etiquette:

• Anything you say to the bereaved is going to sound weird, but nothing’s weirder than “Please accept my condolences”. After the fourth time, I was tempted to respond with “No, you go to hell”, just to mix things up. I know that “I’m sorry for your loss” seems trite, but at least it makes some kind of sense.

• No hugging. Okay, if you’re a close friend or relative, go ahead and hug. However, if you have to introduce yourself, complete with explanation of how you know the deceased, you don’t get to hug. Every time I heard “I haven’t seen you in years” or “You may not remember me, but…” I knew that a hug would be imminent. Handshake? Sure. Shoulder squeeze? Um, okay. Hug? Hell no.

• For gawd’s sake, don’t wear perfume or cologne. Every man seemed to be wearing the same bergamot-based cologne, and every woman had doused herself in something that was either a synthetic-vanilla or a heavy overbearing floral. And there were a lot of people there. Seriously, the place was packed. And there weren’t any windows or doors to open to let some air flow through.

• I don't care why someone couldn't make it. Really, I don't. I'm glad that you're here; I don't need or want a drawn out explanation of why your spouse/child/special friend couldn't be here. Really. See that line of people behind you? They're all waiting to introduce themselves, hug me, and offer their sympathy. And this thing only goes until 4:00.

• Choose an appropriate eulogy. If someone died of a horrible terminal illness, please do not make a little speech about all that your merciful god did for the deceased. It's kind of incredibly tasteless. If you have to mention god, find a better way. It's an odd feeling: wanting to beat a minister to death with his bible.