An open letter to Burger King

Dear Burger King,

Of all the fast food restaurants I have access to, you are my favourite. Your Chicken Whopper, with its lettuce and tomato and alleged flame broiled goodness, allows me to pretend I'm having something moderately healthy with my french fries. You stock CocaCola, the greatest of all the colas. Your mascot, the King, is creepy in a sort-of-amusing way, not a creepy-might-be-a-child-molester way; and, your ads never featured a boy band.

To top it off, you have the best toys. Not just cheap plastic figures, but actual toys. And watches. I love watches. I can remember begging my mom to go to Burger King for Jurassic Park or Nightmare Before Christmas or Simpsons watches, and more often than not being turned down. Now, I've reached the age where I can go to a fast food restaurant for toys if I damn well please, and you know I do.

Case in point: I saw an ad pimping the Simpsons Movie talking figurines and, within minutes, was in my car headed to the nearest Burger King for a Kids Meal. Imagine my shock when I left the drive through and found a Furby toy in my bag. Furby? What the fuck? First, those things are fucking scary. Second, that has to be at least three years old. They shouldn't even be in the store any more.

I figured that this was an isolated incident--assuming that the toys were available since the movie's premiere, it's logical that they might be temporarily sold out.

I tried another location a few days later and, once again, no goddamn Simpsons toy. Instead, I got some sort of Chicago Bears thing. Again, I ask: What the fuck? Why the hell would something like this be in a Kids Meal? How is a child going to play with that?

You bitches had to have known that Simpsons toys would be massively huge sellers. In addition to the children who would normally be getting said toys in their Kids Meals, there are plenty of fanatical adult Simpsons fans who'd be looking for these. Now, it seems, neither group is getting their toys. I can handle missing out on a Mr. Burns figure, but I can't even begin to imagine the temper tantrums that go on when a 7-year-old pulls a fucking model of a football jersey out of his bag.

Nice work guys. Instead of giving small children the correct toys in their Kids Meals, you're selling them in bulk to people who put them on eBay.

You guys suck.

Love,

Kjhymn

Wait. What?

• Siegfried and Roy are coming out. The biggest surprise is that two people who project the flamboyant gayness of a million Liberaces ground up and molded into a giant Paul Lynde actually think they need to come out.
  

• A sequel to Ferris Bueller's Day Off? I know people love that film, but for the love of Gawd, why? This is at least as alarming as the news of a fourth (!) Jurassic Park. For fuck's sake, movie people, stop making sequels.

• I was ridiculously pleased by the news of a Justice League movie, but the whole "We're using that creepy motion capture animation" thing is just wrong. Why miss out on the opportunity to have Jewish Superman and Batman: Patrick Bateman Edition in the same movie?
  

• I saw the trailer for Dragon Wars a couple months ago, but watching it again recently, I've come to the conclusion that it might just kick ass. Yes, the Sci-Fi Original Movie-grade cgi is pretty cheesy. But, it's a whole bunch of dragons fighting each other in modern-day Los Angeles. Or Seoul. Or Seoul posing as Los Angeles.
  

I will be spending my weekend hunting down the Dominique Cohen for Target collection.
This necklace with the black bow pendant as well as some of the beaded pieces are on my "to buy" list.

Me Wantee: Brune & Woehlke Jewelry

I have no idea if this stuff is actually for sale anywhere or if it's all just on display in art museums to be coveted by people like me, but I am deeply in love with, like, everything on their website.

I saw the Sex Rings on Scanner this morning (the "At the Office" model is my personal pick), but I love the whimsical Animal Kingdom collection with stuff like this pig ring and the squirrel necklace.

Also awesome are the Nobel Silicone and Parabol collections, which look like the jewelry of the future as envisioned in the 1950's. And, I mean that in a good way.

Florian Brune and Nina Woehlke, the pair behind these kickass accessories are based in Duesseldorf, Germany. So, if anyone's headed to that part of the world, feel free to grab me a Double Parabol ring or the Monkey Sommerlinge.

Spotted: The Jesus Car

If you spend enough time in my home town, you will eventually see or at least hear about the Jesus Car.

Click the picture to see a bigger picture & have fun deciphering the crazy crap all over this thing. The shit across the grill is backwards so drivers spotting this in their rearview can share in the crazy.

This motorized eyesore is a black station wagon covered in religious slogans, anti-abortion rhetoric, and other crazy crap. There are speakers mounted on the roof, and sometimes you can actually hear its message of crazy Christian morality.

Nobody seems to know much about the Jesus Car or it's driver, Jesus Car Guy. I first saw the car about 20 years ago. I was a child in the back seat of my parents' car. We were on the freeway when we rolled up on the Car; crazy graffiti all over, speakers blaring. I suspect the car was in its infancy then, as neither of my parents were sure of what the fuck they had seen.
Over the years, I'd occasionally spot it downtown or by the lakefront. But, really, it was pretty rare and I never gave it much thought.

It wasn't until I moved into my current neighborhood--a trendy liberal gay-friendly region of the city--that I started seeing the Jesus Car all the time. I'd run out to buy cigarettes, and it would go driving past. I'd be coming home from work, and it would be parked in front of Walgreens. I'd drive to the grocery store, and there it would be hanging with the abortion protesters and their giant fetus pictures.

So, now I have to wonder: What the hell is this guy's deal? Does he actually think he's accomplishing something, or is he just nuts? Has it been the same guy and the same car for the past 20 years? And, most importantly, when he dies does it mean the end of the Jesus Car?
Until then, I will continue to watch for the Jesus Car, and attempt to snap more photos so that it can be seen in all its creepy glory.

Also spotted recently: The Jebus Car. Just a regular car with a vanity license plate that says Jebus.

Alfonso's Breakin' and Poppin' Book

Well done, Alfonso. However, the Centipede, the Wave, and the King Tut have nothing on the Carlton.

Smart piggy. Oink oink.

Yes, more Christopher Walken.

If Christian Bale kills Russell Crowe

I will declare 3:10 to Yuma best movie ever.



Seriously, I'm not a western fan, and the trailer doesn't actually do much for me. But, if Christian Bale shoots Russell Crowe while talking about 80s pop music, and then sits down and lights a cigar and watches him bleed to death, I will buy this movie on DVD and give a copy to every one I know.

I'm not sure what's stimulating this: My love for Christian "Patrick Batman" Bale or my inexplicable contempt for Russell Crowe. I can't think of a single one of Russell Crowe's films that didn't make me want to punch him in the face with a brick.

And while I love this, it totally doesn't count.