Drinksgiving 2010: Aftermath

I'm pleased to say that I made it through all 9 booze groups this year:

Beer - Furthermore Fallen Apple
Brandy - [substitution] Knob Creek Bourbon & Soda
Cordial - Coffee & Peppermint Mocha Kahlua
Gin - Tanquery Rangpur & Tonic
Rum - Bacardi & Diet Coke
Tequilla - Jose Cuervo Tequilla Sunrise
Vodka - Bloody Mary with Absolut
Whiskey - Glenlivet Nadurra 16 year Scotch
Wine/Sake - Boniko Sake

If you're going to engage in a day-long drinkathon, remember to eat and stay hydrated. My Thanksgiving day meal wound up being a batch of homemade spicy squash macaroni & cheese (my MI:5 watching a few years ago taught me something, something fats and alcohol) and a bunch of plain vegetable sides (healthy, to offset the booze consumed). I stocked the fridge with a few litres of water and a big container of coconut water, and rehydrated like a marathon runner.

Then, there are the movies. With this year's theme, I was initially concerned that I wouldn't be able to find enough movies to watch and would be stuck watching the first three Resident Evils and a slew of Pokemon movies. So. Very. Wrong. Much like last year, I wound up with a stack of movies that I couldn't fit in. I thought that watching that many crap-ass movies would kill my urge to watch any more, but before the weekend is over I know that I'll be watching Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.

Drinksgiving 2010

Movie 1: Resident Evil
Drink: Coffee with Peppermint Mocha Kahlua (cordial)

Sweet Jebus, I love this Peppermint Mocha Kahlua.

0824: I've seen this movie so many times, and I always seem to forget that the first 30 minutes exist.

0830: Also, did that computer animation (like, the maps and shit) look sophisticated when this was made?

0837: That's right; there's really no point in watching this until the killer laser hallway. Possibly no reason to continue, but I started this and I'm going to end it.

0852: I love movie/TV labs with their flasks full of brightly colored water.

0901: Gah! Hair and fingernails do not continue to grow, you stupid movie computer brain thing. Don't base your fake movie science around something that's debunked by 5th grade science class.

0923: Oh, Paul WS Anderson, you're all inexplicable musical cues and shoddy attempts at misdirection. Don't ever change.

0935: My copy of this movie has all three on a single DVD. I can't tell if the first one ended and the second started without end credits, or if this movie is actually still going.

0937: No, that movie was totally over.

Movie 2: Max Payne
Drink: Bloody Mary (vodka)

0939: WTF? Did this DVD just play a non-smoking ad? More WTF? Don Draper and Jennifer Connoly were in the Day the Earth Stood Still remake?

0951: Marky Mark's opening narration - he's doing the Christian Bale Batman thing. I wonder if he talks like that for the entire movie.

1000: He doesn't, but Mila Kunis up in this bitch.

1008: Most of what I remember about the game is shooting shit. Were the druggy winged-shadow freakouts part of the game?

1017: Beau Bridges & Chris O'Donnell? This movie has the weirdest cast.

1053: For a guy who's supposed to be all pissed off and vengance-y, Marky Mark is profoundly bland.

1113: As much as the acting sucks and the plotline is incomprehensible, this movie looks amazing.

1119: Drink 3: Tequila Sunrise (tequila) And I should amend my previous comment. The set design looks amazing, the fire & demon cgi looks like ass.

Movie 3: Double Dragon

1140: You can play online here: http://nintendo8.com/game/745/double_dragon/ I got so distracted playing that I totally forgot that I was watching a movie

1144: I knew Scott Wolf was in this, but I didn't know that Robert Patrick would be the stereotypical 90's villain.

1151: I love movies that show us recent past as the future. Silly movie, there aren't any station wagons to convert in to rocket cars any more. Strangely, Vanna White and George Hamilton of 2007 did still look exactly like they did in 1994.

1205: So instead of being burly adult martial arts experts like in the video games, the movie brothers are teenage mutant ninja turtles in human form.? And the Asian one grows up to be the Chairman on Iron Chef America?

1229: I just realized that Robert Patrick's blazer has a zipper. This movie would be way more engaging if it focused on him instead of Scott Wolf, Chairman Kaga, and Alyssa Milano.

1243: Goddamnit. If you've got a necklace that someone is trying to steal from you, maybe you shouldn't wear it around your neck on the outside of your fucking shirt.

1250: "Now Who's the Boss?" Really, movie?

1351: After a break to cook and get some air, I'm back on track.
Movie 4: Tomb Raider 2
Drink 5: Gin & Tonic- I had Drink 4 (Rum & Diet Coke) during Double Dragon

1401: Why do the "prized artifacts" in these types of movies always look like something bought from a Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue?

1403: She punched a shark in the face. There is no way that this movie could get better than that.

1438: I finally figured it out: Her tech guy is Seth Green + BJ Novak + British

1458: I feel like this is the second thing I've watched this week that featured someone making a getaway by hang gliding. That has got to be the worst means of escape ever.

1510: Ugh, I get it she's in Africa. Is it really necessary to drive the point home by showing them drive past herds of animals? This movie feels long enough.

1520: What the hell? It's like the movie just turned in to The Descent or something.

1547: Movie 5 - Mortal Kombat
Drink 6: Bourbon & Soda (I'm substituting this for the bourbon/cognac broup)
I don't know why I was surprised when this opened with the bad techno Moral Kombat song. Also, you can't sit straight up with you wake up from a dream. It's physiologically impossible.

1557: The first appearance of Christopher Lambert gives me hope that this movie will be hysterically bad.

1658: Suspicion confirmed. Also, what's up with these martial arts movies where two buys fight, but wait while their opponent get his/her fighting stance right?

1727: I don't know how much more I can take, but
Movie 6: Hitman
I'm just finishing off that Bourbon, and I'm going to drink a litre of water

1823: This movie has turned out to be surprisingly watchable. It's probably related to my having recently finished Deadwood.
Drink 7: Glenlivet Nadurra 16-year scotch

1903: Movie 7: Super Mario Brothers
I remember seeing ads for this when it came out, and even as a child I thought it looked like shit.

1940: This movie doesn't make any damn sense. I thought the Goombas were mushroom things. Luigi is wearing red, and Mario is in grey. It was pretty damn satisfying to see Dennis Hopper try to kill John Leguazamo.
Unrelated to this movie, but I don't know why I just thought of it: something I was watching previously used the sound of bowling pins benig knocked down when some guy fell down the stairs. I think it was Mortal Kombat.

2002: This movie is like someone took all of the sets and costumes from Total Recall and decided to attempt to cram a horrible, money-grubbing videogame adaptation in to it.

2033: This movie just had a shot of the World Trade Center towers disintegrating. That was the last thing I expected to see today.

2036: That wind-up toy bomb had a bizarre product placement thing for Reebok. And holy carp, Lance Henricksen! There's a part of me that wants to watch this movie forever and try to figure out what the hell was going on.

2107: Movie 8: Street Fighter
Drink 9: Furthermore Fallen Apple Ale
Jebus, how much of the budget for this film go towards sound effects artists and Van Damme's hair dye?

2216: I was going to attempt to watch the new Street Fighter tonight, but this one just doesn't end. What did the budget of this film go towards? It sure as hell wasn't a script, special effects, or production design.

Drinksgiving Begins

So, Thanksgiving was always my most hated holiday. There was church, a long drive up to a relative's house, an overly-long dinner during which I'd be forced to engage in dumb-ass card games and conversation while my brother could sit in another room and watch football.

The best Thanksgiving until last year was the time my mom went out of town and, after driving around and finding no grocery stores or restaurants open, my dad and I dropped off my brother at home and went to see American Movie. Previously, I would dream of spending the day at home watching The Iron Giant on Cartoon Network's day-long marathon. Movies seem to be the only good things that I associate with Thanksgiving. With that in mind, it's no surprise that once I was allowed to observe the holiday however I wanted, I chose a day of drinking of movie-watching.

Last year, I twittered. This year, I'm going for a dual twitter/liveblog thing.

So they're still talking about this?

Today, Ebert's twitter directed me to a HuffPo article about the MarieClaire flap (one of the mag's bloggers registered her disdain for fatties). At the time this originally went down, I mentally filed it under "Whateva" because: 1) I can't register shock over the notion that someone who works in a "fashion"-related field hates fat people; and 2) Until that point, I hadn't realized that MarieClaire was still around.

I'm guessing the second point is what this whole thing was really all about: A person on the internet starts an uproar and gets a lot of attention after making a statement designed to provoke. I believe the kids call this "trolling". Well played, magazine troll. You've given your mag a new-found visibility and ensured that the TV show you were promoting will get a sympathy-fuck bump in viewership.

I Try, You Don't Buy: Banana Flavored Snack

Subtitle: What the shitting hell?

So I have a bad habit of buying whatever I find amusing when I go to an "ethnic" (guh, I hate that word) grocery store. A recent acquisition came from a local Korean market where I buy home made kimchi and pre-cooked veggies for bibimbap (because I'm a lazy, lazy bastard).
Behold Banana Flavored Snack:

Note: That monkey looks terrified.

For about $1.50 I purchased what I was led to believe would be a delightful snack. The unripeness of the anthropomorphic banana should have been a clear indication that I was very wrong.

Upon opening the package I was treated that the familiar scent of synthetic banana. If you have ever had any sort of banana flavoured candy, you will know all about this banana-ish, but not quite right scent. If, however, you've lived a pure life of nothing but actual bananas you will have no idea what you're smelling.

Moving past the scent, and overcoming my new craving for some Laffy Taffy, I dared to actually try one.

You know those corn starch packing peanuts that dissolve in water? These have the same shape, size, and texture. In fact, after the tasting I threw one in a bowl of water and it dissolved in exactly the same way the packing peanuts do. In retrospect, this isn't all that surprising since ingredient #1 is "Corn Flour".

This is after 30 seconds, so it actually dissolves faster than packing peanuts.

The stupider among you might be reading this thinking that upon tasting there's going to be some sort of redemption. Like in that piece of shit, Crash, when racist #8 does something slightly less racist at the end. Well, shit. What the hell's wrong with you? Crash? Why the hell do you have to go and get me all angry about that again? I'm already angry about wasting $1.50 on these horrible snacks.
Yes, they were horrible. Packing peanut texture with synthetic banana flavour and salt. Think about that for a minute: Banana and salt. They don't compliment each other like other sweet/salt combos. Maybe it's because the banana in this case isn't actually sweet. Or, maybe it's because there's a noticeable delay between the two and what you wind up tasting is fake banana aftertaste and salt. Or maybe it's just an annoyance that I should try to put behind me. Like that movie, Crash.

Who's it for?
Judging by the ingredients listing on the back, it's geared towards Spanish- and possibly Portuguese-speaking people.


Who might like it?
Masochists, synthetic banana enthusiasts, people who've wondered what it would be like to eat one of those packing peanuts.

Who should buy it?
Nobody. Not "just to try", not as a joke, not as a cruel prank, not even as packing material (the flavour seems to be a sprayed on glaze). Just don't do it.

This is actually happening right now

Roger Ebert is a prolific and entertaining Twitter-er. It is because of him I have spent the past hour watching Arizona Congressional Candidate, Thomas J. Zaleski, go ballistic on Twitter.

Holy fucking hell. This guy is seriously unbalanced. Check this shit:

The comment at the top? It was in response to this:
Yeah. Someone asks a serious, legitimate question and he goes nuts. I also suspect Zaleski thinks that this user is either Wile E. Coyote or the Acme Sales company from which Wile E. bought all his roadrunner-catching stuff. Which would mean that Zaleski thinks that the old Warner Brothers cartoons are real or somehow based in reality.


Also, this:
was followed by this:
and this:

The first one was lame. The second was unnecessarily cruel, especially since it seemed to be a response to this from Ebert:


At least Zaleski was later able to post this without a trace of irony:

Is this an elaborate hoax? The unsettling ravings of a mentally unbalanced individual? Or just some idiot douchebag running for Congress? I'm not really sure, and crazy random stuff like this doesn't help:

The only thing that I'm sure of in this situation is that the following is most likely true:

Dear Humana Inc.

So, Humana keeps sending me junk mail addressed to my father. There are two big problems with this:
1. My father has never lived at my address. In fact, the most time he ever spent here was that one time he came over to help me put together some Ikea furniture.
2. He's dead.

Yeah, a company selling health insurance can't distinguish living from dead.

I've called their "customer service" a couple times and been sent to various answering machines, so now I'm just going to send them back their latest mailing along with a letter of my own:

Reserved For:

Dear Humana Inc.,

Good news! Did you know that if you act quickly, you can get my father to switch to your Medicare plan?

All you have to do is go back in time before March 2007.

The reason to go back in time is that you may get a better response from somebody who is not deceased.

At present time, my father has no need for your health plans that include prescription drug coverage.

So, unless the benefits of each of your Medicare health plans include time travel, curing cancer, and/or raising the dead in a non-zombie state, you can choke on your Brochure.

My attempts to call you at 1-877-457-2505 or go online to HumanaChoices.com to have my father's name and my address removed from you list have been fruitless.

Please stop this--I don't think it's funny.

Sincerely,

Kjhymn
Daughter of the deceased

P.S. IMPORTANT: If you're trying to sell health insurance, it's best you target people who are alive.