I'm confused

Reading movie blogs at work today, I learned the following things:

• John Singleton is going to be making an A-Team movie. Goddamnit, John, isn't it enough that you made a shitty and unnecessary Shaft remake? What the fuck?


• A certain horrible film based on a cartoon about anthropomorphic chipmunks made $200 million, so naturally they're planning a sequel. I hate everyone involved in the creation and subsequent success of this movie so fucking much. I hope they all go sterile and get ass cancer before they're able to reproduce or find love. I'm sorry, mom, but if you actually paid money to see this shit, that includes you.


• They're movie-ifying William Gibson's novel Neuromancer, and potentially casting that douchebag from the new Star Wars movies in the lead. Because I'm nerdy like that, I'm way into William Gibson's books. I'm ambivalent about another one being made in to a movie. Clearly, people don't remember the mind numbing badness of Johnny Mnemonic. What little my stupid brain will allow me to recall involves Henry Rollins using a dolphin to extract some data from Keanu Reeve's brain. I think. Damnit, now I'm going to Netflix that shit.


• Chuck Palahnuik's novel Choke has been made in to a movie with Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, and that girl from Trainspotting. Woo. There are also rumors that Palahnuik is talking about making Fight Club in to a musical. I'm both horrified and fascinated. If it actually happens, I hope they take the West Side Story approach to fighting.


• I still don't give a fuck about the Lost guy's monster movie (or his Star Trek movie), the new Indiana Jones movie, or the lame-ass killer vagina movie. How the hell is it that crap like that is financed and released, while I can't see Last Year at Marienbad on DVD?
  


• They're making a G.I. Joe movie (sweet Jebus, help us) that will feature Marlon Wayans (big fucking surprise) and also Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Despite the whole Third Rock from the Sun thing, I was under the impression that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was, like, an actor. You know, making watchable movies.



• Michael Mann is making a movie about Dillinger that may star Johnny Depp as Dillinger and Christian Bale as the FBI guy who brings him down. I'm ambivalent about Michael Mann, but I'm cautiously optimistic about this. At least, after seeing him not shoot Russell Crow in 3:10 to Yuma (which bored the fuck out of me), I'll be able to watch Christian Bale shoot a man in the back. If that man has to be Johnny "Godlier than Bono and way less preachy" Depp, so be it. I'm not happy, but I'll take it.



As a side note, I went to university in Chicago, and where I attended classes was a block away from the Biograph Theatre where Dillinger was shot. It's also where scenes from High Fidelity were shot. John Cusack succeeded in pissing me the fuck off by blocking up traffick for fucking ever. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

This is also where my blog-reading got off track; partially because I had actual work to do but also because the whole Christian Bale in a '20's gangster film got me pondering this: If The Prestige was re-worked as Some Like it Hot, which one would be Jack Lemon or Tony Curtis. In the end, I decided that Bale would be Jack Lemon. Not just because I prefer him to Hugh Jackman and think that Lemon had the better role (although, I do), but because in the end he heads off with Michael Caine, as the rich old millionaire suitor.

The more I think about it, the more I actually want to see that movie. It can't possibly be worse than any of the other shit that's getting released (see: almost everything noted above) and it might keep Christian Bale from getting involved with the McG-directed fourth Terminator movie.

You read that right: fourth Terminator movie. Directed by McG. Possibly starring Christian Bale.

What the hell is wrong with people?

You Fail at X-Mas

When I say "you" I mean me. And when I say "fail" I mean get crap-ass gifts.

The extended family gift exchange manages to piss me off every year because of its inherent inequity. It's no different than what most families do: You're randomly assigned the name of a cousin and you get them a gift in the $25-30 range.

This range means there've always been people who stick to the high or low end when buying. With most of us getting gift cards, it's not hard to see who cheaps out and who doesn't. While this shouldn't really make a difference (and it doesn't, it's just a few dollars, whatever), it pisses me the fuck off. Take last year when I gave a $30 card, received a $25, and watched my brother, whose exchange gift was paid for by out mother, receive a $30 card. My take: -$5. His: +$30.

Of course, this year was even better.

Following the untimely death of my father, the family decided they need to "take care" of us. My mother gets weekend trips and home cooked meals, my brother gets a free Wii (seriously), and I get bullied into quitting smoking (which came with massive weight gain and a cracked tooth). As if this wasn't making me rage-y enough, come X-mas my aunt decides that the best thing she can do for me is pick out my exchange gift. With absolutely no input from me.

I'm really not a complicated person. I like makeup, coffee, The Simpsons, scented candles, and all manner of crap from Ikea. I do cross-stitch and other crafty stuff. Finding a good, non-gift card, gift shouldn't be hard. Finding an adequate gift should be a cakewalk.

Still, I was given this:


As I was unwrapping it, my aunt came by and said that she saw it and thought it was me. I've had this thing for over three weeks now, and I'm still trying to figure out what part of me is reflected in this. First, I'm not a rustic/hippie earthenwear type. Stylistically, it clashes with everything I own. Like, I don't think I even have a pair of shoes that would go with that thing.

The second, and in retrospect, more offensive, aspect of this is the fucking chopsticks. I accepted this graciously, I really did. But then I pulled out the goddamn chopsticks. I managed to keep the bland, "it's really nice" bullshit when anyone asked me if I liked it, but for fuck's sake. Chopsticks? I didn't wrap up a brick of Velveeta and hand it over with a "I just saw it and thought of you". Shit. These people have known me long enough to know better.

I took it in to work so that my coworkers could share in the mockery, and that's about as useful as it'll ever be to me.

Next year: Fuck the family, I'm spending X-mas alone.

Project Runway: Week 6

I caught this on a Sunday afternoon rerun, and I had to choose between PR and a rerun of The Dog Whisperer that I've somehow seen a couple time. Don't you love The Dog Whisperer? He actually does stuff he help people and teach them to live better lives with their pets.

Also, holy fucking shit Futurama is on Comedy Central right now. I can't wait until the TV-ization of the movie airs.

Do you like product placement? Do you? If you don't, then Bravo reality competitions shows aren't for you. Seriously.

Yeah, they're making garments out of shit from a candy shop. It's important to note that this shit includes pillows, t-shirts, and huge rolls or paper wrappers. So, they're not making dresses out of actual candy.

Honestly, I wasn't paying too much attention until the runway show. I did catch the bit where Elisa was talking about her car accident. If I hadn't already known that she was being auf'ed, I would've guessed it from that. Also, Zac Posen is a judge again. Wee.

On to the clothes:

Rami: Come on, MK, it does look silly: It's candy wrappers and plastic. Undoubtedly, it's well made and exquisitely fitted. Not my pick for the win, but I get why they gave it to him.

Elisa: It would've been a perfectly serviceable dress without the crazy water wings. Not the most exciting thing in the world, but it might have slipped by in the middle.

Jillian: She seems to have a thing for red. I have to admire the risk she took, but I don't love the execution. I initially thought it would've been an interesting idea to use the licorice as faux-boning in a corset top. I didn't realize that she was doing the entire bodice in licorice. If it hadn't been so labour-intensive, I would've given her top 3 spot to either Kevin or Christian.

Victorya: Ugh, so goddamn ugly. The ruffles. It just looks so bad. And she paired it with orange shoes? Yeesh, it doesn't even look well made. And that model walk pose was just weird.

Chris: Fucking love it. It uses the logos without making they logo-y. That op-art pattern is fantastic. It's totally chic and the styling is spot-on. I love how the pattern of the top is sort of mirrored in the bracelets she's wearing. I totally picked him to win.

Sweet P: Boring, but inoffensive. I had visceral reactions to some of the designs that didn't get called out, but this just left me cold. I suspect she got stuck being not quite good enough for middle-of-the-pack and suffered for it.

Ricky: Bubble skirt! I can't help but flash back to Andrae's design for the Barbie competition. In fact, I've just come up with this analogy: Ricky:Andrae as Railroad hat:Short shorts. With that out of the way, his garment looks well made, but I think it's ugly.

Kit: It's all too much. The super-logo'ed top and skirt, the styling with the hair and the boots. I guess what separates her and Rami's designs is that the construction of his was actually interesting. The skirt and the top on this one are just blah with ugly-as-fuck candy wrappers.

Kevin: When he said he was making three pieces, I sort of thought the editing monkeys were setting him up for disaster. I should've known. His garment looks impeccable. I love that he gave her a Hershey bar clutch. I wonder if he actually used Rolos for the buttons.

Christian: The dress itself is pretty uninteresting in terms of the sillhouette and the construction, but the peanut butter cup wrappers give it an interesting texture. I really like it.

Next week: More of this bullshit.

Shit I'm not watching

So, there was a new ep of Project Runway and I totally forgot that it was coming back.

Yeah. I guess Elisa got auf'ed.

I'm so fucking indifferent I don't know if I'll bother to start watching again. We'll see.

Shit I'm watching

As if the movies, organic coffee, quinoa cooking DVD extra, daily weather reports, and Gucci ad weren't enough, David Lynch proves himself to be truly awesome:




Ahh, Thailand, to think that all these years I only loved your for your food.




As a history buff, I think my dad would've gotten a kick out of this one:




As if you haven't seen it already, Conan O'Brien & Robert Smigel's super-funny pilot. Because you need to watch something during the strike.




"Honey, you're an idiot. Why don't you do it?"




The greatest Japanese cat-based game show ever.




Finally, this one from latenightunderground.com. It beautifully melds The Shining and Late Night With Conan O'Brien. There's no option to embed, but you should totally visit the site and check out all of the videos.

Why have I not been reading this?

So, after the delightfully dorky pics of Kanye West playing Connect 4 started showing up everywhere, I actually went and checked out Kanye's blog.

Holy fucking shit.

I was half expecting it to be nothing but shameless self-promotion and a lot of crazy rambling, as celebretards' personal blogs tend to be. But his blog is like a catalogue of cool shit. Like Mindy Kahling's "Things I've Bought That I Love" with less girly-girl stuff filtered through Wallpaper and Giant Robot or something.

Posts about Bathing Ape gear, pop art, and cool-ass modern design stuff (like these livingstones which I'm now coveting), are up among music videos, articles about Jay-Z, and a fair amount of self-promotion. It all makes for an awesome blog and it's really hard not to like a guy who 1. Posts the aforementioned Connect 4 pictures; 2. Includes a clip from American Psycho in his post about seeing Robert Longo lithographs at a gallery; and 3. Goggles over the inflated prices at LAX Burger King (because we'd all do it).

That's not even including the Murakami-love, the fan-made Lupe Fiasco video he posted, a blurb about Bond No. 9's new fragrance, and the tons of posts I haven't had a chance to look at yet.

I almost wish I had work tomorrow, because I know how I'm going to be killing time in the cube farm these days.

@#$%!

Just got back from a week in San Francisco.

The trip was fun, the return flight was seriously delayed and hellish (damn you, Midwest Airlines! You too, old lady who kept putting on vomiticious scented lotion.).

After dropping off my mother at home, all I wanted to do was have a Diet Coke and the Parisian Macarons I bought at Miette.

It was 11:35 PM. And there was a fucking car parked in my spot. That son of a bitch didn't even have a parking permit tag, so I couldn't get the maintenance guy to go knocking on an apartment door and get him/her the fuck out.

I had to drive around and find street parking. On New Year's Eve. In a bar-heavy area.

Bastard.

PT Cruiser driver who parked in my spot, I hope you get VD or alcohol poisoning tonight.

Happy fucking new year.