I'm confused

Reading movie blogs at work today, I learned the following things:

• John Singleton is going to be making an A-Team movie. Goddamnit, John, isn't it enough that you made a shitty and unnecessary Shaft remake? What the fuck?


• A certain horrible film based on a cartoon about anthropomorphic chipmunks made $200 million, so naturally they're planning a sequel. I hate everyone involved in the creation and subsequent success of this movie so fucking much. I hope they all go sterile and get ass cancer before they're able to reproduce or find love. I'm sorry, mom, but if you actually paid money to see this shit, that includes you.


• They're movie-ifying William Gibson's novel Neuromancer, and potentially casting that douchebag from the new Star Wars movies in the lead. Because I'm nerdy like that, I'm way into William Gibson's books. I'm ambivalent about another one being made in to a movie. Clearly, people don't remember the mind numbing badness of Johnny Mnemonic. What little my stupid brain will allow me to recall involves Henry Rollins using a dolphin to extract some data from Keanu Reeve's brain. I think. Damnit, now I'm going to Netflix that shit.


• Chuck Palahnuik's novel Choke has been made in to a movie with Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, and that girl from Trainspotting. Woo. There are also rumors that Palahnuik is talking about making Fight Club in to a musical. I'm both horrified and fascinated. If it actually happens, I hope they take the West Side Story approach to fighting.


• I still don't give a fuck about the Lost guy's monster movie (or his Star Trek movie), the new Indiana Jones movie, or the lame-ass killer vagina movie. How the hell is it that crap like that is financed and released, while I can't see Last Year at Marienbad on DVD?
  


• They're making a G.I. Joe movie (sweet Jebus, help us) that will feature Marlon Wayans (big fucking surprise) and also Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Despite the whole Third Rock from the Sun thing, I was under the impression that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was, like, an actor. You know, making watchable movies.



• Michael Mann is making a movie about Dillinger that may star Johnny Depp as Dillinger and Christian Bale as the FBI guy who brings him down. I'm ambivalent about Michael Mann, but I'm cautiously optimistic about this. At least, after seeing him not shoot Russell Crow in 3:10 to Yuma (which bored the fuck out of me), I'll be able to watch Christian Bale shoot a man in the back. If that man has to be Johnny "Godlier than Bono and way less preachy" Depp, so be it. I'm not happy, but I'll take it.



As a side note, I went to university in Chicago, and where I attended classes was a block away from the Biograph Theatre where Dillinger was shot. It's also where scenes from High Fidelity were shot. John Cusack succeeded in pissing me the fuck off by blocking up traffick for fucking ever. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

This is also where my blog-reading got off track; partially because I had actual work to do but also because the whole Christian Bale in a '20's gangster film got me pondering this: If The Prestige was re-worked as Some Like it Hot, which one would be Jack Lemon or Tony Curtis. In the end, I decided that Bale would be Jack Lemon. Not just because I prefer him to Hugh Jackman and think that Lemon had the better role (although, I do), but because in the end he heads off with Michael Caine, as the rich old millionaire suitor.

The more I think about it, the more I actually want to see that movie. It can't possibly be worse than any of the other shit that's getting released (see: almost everything noted above) and it might keep Christian Bale from getting involved with the McG-directed fourth Terminator movie.

You read that right: fourth Terminator movie. Directed by McG. Possibly starring Christian Bale.

What the hell is wrong with people?