Dear Lionsgate Films,
I am writing to express my disgust over the posters for your upcoming film Good Luck Chuck. I recently saw them at IWatchStuff.com, and was thoroughly offended by the one featuring Dane Cook.
The tag line "There's something funny about Dane" is grossly inappropriate. There is nothing funny about Dane Cook. By stating otherwise, you are spreading the sort of misinformation that keeps his career afloat. This sort of irresponsible behaviour is unacceptable. Think of the children!
I suggest you correct this before the ads are given a wider release. You could, perhaps, exchange "funny" for "oily", "insipid", "smarmy", or "smug".
Alternately, you could scrap the whole film and instead release a 10-minute short in which Dane Cook is shot in the back of the head. I believe this would prove to be infinitely more popular than the feature you plan to release.
Thank you for your time. I hope you will take my suggestions into consideration.
Sincerely,
Kjhymn
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
I try, you buy: Calvin Klein Euphoria Blossom
They say (on sephora.com):
I say:
Remember that episode of 90210 where outsider/punk girl, Emily Valentine, takes the kids to a rave; and, while they’re there she buys a club drug called Euphoria, and gets squeaky-clean Brandon to take it; and, this eventually leads to her being ostracized from the group because they finally have a better reason than “she’s got short hair and doesn’t wear designer mini-dresses”; and there was some subplot with Steve and Andrea trying to get to the rave, but it didn’t really matter because everyone knew they were totally the lamest characters on the show. Plus, this led to a totally awesome moment in a later episode where Emily leaves a cake for Brandon, and as he's about to take it into the house, Brenda snips, "Brandon, for all you know, that cake could be laced with Euphoria." So. Fucking. Funny.
Anyway.
I bring up this episode partially because of the euphoria connection, but also because this fragrance is what I remember the 90210 perfume smelling like. It’s a light, fruity floral that’s sweet and slightly tangy. The fruity notes are sweet and tart, the florals are subtle and fresh, and the musks don’t turn rank and oily. The amber took on a slightly plasticky note, as it is generally wont to do on my skin, but it faded quickly.
"Fruity floral" seems to be the default for most fragrance lines, so there are plenty of other scents to compare it to (better and worse). It may not be the most unique scent on the market, but it’s pleasant and doesn’t have a celebrity attached to it.
I don’t love that I had to buy a 100 mL bottle, the only size they offer, but $65 for the big bottle is not unreasonable.
Inspired by the delicate aura of an exquisite flower in bloom; like a precious flower unfolding petal by petal, euphoria blossom is a lush, fresh floral that captivates the senses with its sparkling freshness and dewy radiance.
Notes:
Pomegranate, Dewy Green Accord, Zesty Kumquat, Orchid, Pink Peony, Blossom, Blond Wood, Amber, Sheer Musks.
Style:
Pure. Modern. Luminous.
I say:
Remember that episode of 90210 where outsider/punk girl, Emily Valentine, takes the kids to a rave; and, while they’re there she buys a club drug called Euphoria, and gets squeaky-clean Brandon to take it; and, this eventually leads to her being ostracized from the group because they finally have a better reason than “she’s got short hair and doesn’t wear designer mini-dresses”; and there was some subplot with Steve and Andrea trying to get to the rave, but it didn’t really matter because everyone knew they were totally the lamest characters on the show. Plus, this led to a totally awesome moment in a later episode where Emily leaves a cake for Brandon, and as he's about to take it into the house, Brenda snips, "Brandon, for all you know, that cake could be laced with Euphoria." So. Fucking. Funny.
Anyway.
I bring up this episode partially because of the euphoria connection, but also because this fragrance is what I remember the 90210 perfume smelling like. It’s a light, fruity floral that’s sweet and slightly tangy. The fruity notes are sweet and tart, the florals are subtle and fresh, and the musks don’t turn rank and oily. The amber took on a slightly plasticky note, as it is generally wont to do on my skin, but it faded quickly.
"Fruity floral" seems to be the default for most fragrance lines, so there are plenty of other scents to compare it to (better and worse). It may not be the most unique scent on the market, but it’s pleasant and doesn’t have a celebrity attached to it.
I don’t love that I had to buy a 100 mL bottle, the only size they offer, but $65 for the big bottle is not unreasonable.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Tuesday is Soylent Green Day!
I fucking love Soylent Green. I watched it recently for the first time in about 12 years. Certainly, it has its flaws, and it's campy as hell, but it'll always make me think of my dad.
It wasn't his favourite film, and we never watched it together, but I have an odd memory of him recounting the film's plot to me while at one of my brother’s little league games.
Looking back, I can’t imagine how we got on to the topic of the film; odds are, it was a bizarre tangent to something else my dad had been talking about. Whatever the reason, at the tender age of 12 I watched Soylent Green for the first time. It may have been my introduction to campy 70’s sci-fi, and I watched it marveling at the 70’s-ness of the whole thing, while trying to figure out just what the hell my dad was talking about.
Watching it again over the weekend, I realized that dad glossed over the whole overpopulation/greenhouse effect aspect of the film. I get that most sci-fi films take place in hideous, unlivable dystopias, but I didn't realize that they would choose something actually feasible. For all its flaws and its campy 70's-ness, it's a rather modern film. That said, if anyone ever tries to remake it, I will set myself on fire in protest.
If you haven't seen this film, for the love of god, rent it. If anything, it's worth watching purely for the final scene.
It wasn't his favourite film, and we never watched it together, but I have an odd memory of him recounting the film's plot to me while at one of my brother’s little league games.
Looking back, I can’t imagine how we got on to the topic of the film; odds are, it was a bizarre tangent to something else my dad had been talking about. Whatever the reason, at the tender age of 12 I watched Soylent Green for the first time. It may have been my introduction to campy 70’s sci-fi, and I watched it marveling at the 70’s-ness of the whole thing, while trying to figure out just what the hell my dad was talking about.
Watching it again over the weekend, I realized that dad glossed over the whole overpopulation/greenhouse effect aspect of the film. I get that most sci-fi films take place in hideous, unlivable dystopias, but I didn't realize that they would choose something actually feasible. For all its flaws and its campy 70's-ness, it's a rather modern film. That said, if anyone ever tries to remake it, I will set myself on fire in protest.
If you haven't seen this film, for the love of god, rent it. If anything, it's worth watching purely for the final scene.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Ha!
While driving in to work yesterday, I heard on NPR that Jerry Falwell died.
Could. Not. Stop. Laughing. Really, I thought I was going to lose control of my car. When I think of it now, it just makes me smile. Then laugh.
It didn't help that they aired Falwell's post-9/11 comments in which he blamed the attacks on liberals, Jews, gays, lesbians, pro-Choicers, interracial marriage-ers, ACLU members, and feminists. And that he later apologized and said he really meant to say "Terrorists". That shit is comedy gold. That's even funnier than accusing cartoon characters of being gay.
Although Falwell filled our lives with a bit of unintentional comedy, I truly hope that that horrible, hateful man had an excruciatingly painful death.
And, if heaven really exists, I hope that he ends up there so he can find it filled with gays, lesbians, single mothers, pro-Choice liberals, pornographers, and not a single ounce of unborn fetal tissue.
Could. Not. Stop. Laughing. Really, I thought I was going to lose control of my car. When I think of it now, it just makes me smile. Then laugh.
It didn't help that they aired Falwell's post-9/11 comments in which he blamed the attacks on liberals, Jews, gays, lesbians, pro-Choicers, interracial marriage-ers, ACLU members, and feminists. And that he later apologized and said he really meant to say "Terrorists". That shit is comedy gold. That's even funnier than accusing cartoon characters of being gay.
Although Falwell filled our lives with a bit of unintentional comedy, I truly hope that that horrible, hateful man had an excruciatingly painful death.
And, if heaven really exists, I hope that he ends up there so he can find it filled with gays, lesbians, single mothers, pro-Choice liberals, pornographers, and not a single ounce of unborn fetal tissue.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Five for 5: Japanese Snack Food
For my most recent J-List order, I picked a combination of stuff that I thought I might actually like and stuff with funny names. I then spent the past two weeks eating weird snacks so you might not have to.
Asse Chocolates - I apparently have the special winter edition of these, as
evidenced by the snowflakes on the box. I don’t know if these come in different flavours or what. These chocolates are the shape and size of an Andes mint, but with art deco-esque etchings instead of the Andes logo.
Going by the picture, I thought that these might be dark chocolate over aerated milk chocolate. So very wrong. These were milk chocolate with a thin nougat center. I hate nougat. The chocolate isn’t bad, but when you bite into the bar, you mostly get that unpleasant powdery nougat texture. In an attempt to make it more palatable to me, I snapped a piece off of one and let it melt on my tongue. It had a nice taste and the nougat melted along with the chocolate. Still, I’m too impatient to eat all 18 pieces that way. And, while I can justify that slow burn method with dark chocolate, it’s just not the same with milk.
Before I opened the box, I couldn't decide if the "18" below the red box was the number of pieces or the age limit for purchase.
Cream Collon - These snacks are rolled wafers filled with a sugary “cream”. Imagine the cream in an Oreo, but less dense. I’m not sure how I feel about these. I like to crispy wafer, but the cream left a lot to be desired. The more I think about it, the more I realize that they’re a lot like Pepperidge Farms Pirouette cookies or Japanese Toppo sticks.
J-List doesn't have the plain cream version in stock, but there's a melon flavoured variety if you're into what I think is cantaloupe.
I can’t believe I missed this bit of information from another website: “Hold them between your lips suck gently and out pops the filling. Oooh what fun!” Had I known, these cookies may have been a lot more enjoyable for me. I could’ve spit out the cloyingly
sweet “cream” and just enjoyed the wafer aspect. Yes, there's a blowjob joke in there, but I'm not going to make it.
Also of interest is this graphic from the box. Based on the picture and the slogan "Wholesome life in the best of taste", I'd guess that Collon is meant to be the snack of marathon runners.
Curry Pretz - Pretz is a stick-type snack from the makes of Pocky that comes in a variety of flavours. I was going to make a savory/unsavory joke about Pretz and Pocky until I realized that in addition to the salty food variety, there are a few sweet flavours of Pretz. No, wait, I can still make that joke. Pocky is Pretz’s unsavory sibling. Hmm, not as amusing as I originally thought.
Anyway, Pretz sticks are the delicious love child of a pretzel and a grissini. This flavour comes with four pouches in each box. I enjoy a curry, but I was a little worried, as the box graphic looks like a spoon full of cheese-topped chili. Once I popped open the pouch I got the distinct scent of curry powder. The spice was extremely mild, and after eating three of the sticks, I realized that it was more salty than anything. Once I’d finished the pouch, I noticed a slight curry-laced aftertaste, but I was disappointed.
New York Cheesecake Pucca Chocolate - Despite the name, these contain no chocolate.
I chose these because they seemed to combine two seemingly disparate items: cheesecake and goldfish crackers. Upon opening the bag, I was greeted by a strong scent not unlike canned buttercream icing. This was not an auspicious start. The cracker part was nice and crisp, like the pretzel version of goldfish crackers. The cream filling was dense, but had a slightly gritty texture. It also somehow managed to be both cloyingly sweet and bland.
I ate three or four of the fish, and then threw the rest away. Next time, I’ll go for the March of Koala snacks. They’re similar, but have a smoother filling.
Mustard Cratz Pretzel & Almond - From the fine people at Glico, this is a mix of pretzel pieces and whole almonds. The pretzels had a nice crunchy texture that reminded me of Synders sourdough pretzels. There weren't a ton of almonds, but enough that I was satisfied.
When I ordered these, I didn't pay close enough attention and assumed that they were honey mustard flavoured. I had been hoping for something akin to Synders Honey Mustard & Onion pretzels with almonds. Not so much. These are flavoured like brown mustard. There's even a picture on the package to make that perfectly clear.
I'm not a lover of brown mustard, yet even as I was repulsed by these, they were so good that I wanted to eat more. In the end, I at half the pretzels, which are really packed with mustard flavour, and all of the almonds, and resolved to buy another flavour to try.
While I didn't buy this one for the name, some of the stuff on the packaging has been amusing me for days. The slogan "Enjoy after 9 relax time with crunchy OTSUMAMI snack." is such perfect Engrish you'd think they did it on purpose.
They even offer a helpful serving suggestion on the back. I used a plate, but drew the line at drinking my beer out of a glass.
Asse Chocolates - I apparently have the special winter edition of these, as
evidenced by the snowflakes on the box. I don’t know if these come in different flavours or what. These chocolates are the shape and size of an Andes mint, but with art deco-esque etchings instead of the Andes logo.Going by the picture, I thought that these might be dark chocolate over aerated milk chocolate. So very wrong. These were milk chocolate with a thin nougat center. I hate nougat. The chocolate isn’t bad, but when you bite into the bar, you mostly get that unpleasant powdery nougat texture. In an attempt to make it more palatable to me, I snapped a piece off of one and let it melt on my tongue. It had a nice taste and the nougat melted along with the chocolate. Still, I’m too impatient to eat all 18 pieces that way. And, while I can justify that slow burn method with dark chocolate, it’s just not the same with milk.
Before I opened the box, I couldn't decide if the "18" below the red box was the number of pieces or the age limit for purchase.
Cream Collon - These snacks are rolled wafers filled with a sugary “cream”. Imagine the cream in an Oreo, but less dense. I’m not sure how I feel about these. I like to crispy wafer, but the cream left a lot to be desired. The more I think about it, the more I realize that they’re a lot like Pepperidge Farms Pirouette cookies or Japanese Toppo sticks.J-List doesn't have the plain cream version in stock, but there's a melon flavoured variety if you're into what I think is cantaloupe.
I can’t believe I missed this bit of information from another website: “Hold them between your lips suck gently and out pops the filling. Oooh what fun!” Had I known, these cookies may have been a lot more enjoyable for me. I could’ve spit out the cloyingly
sweet “cream” and just enjoyed the wafer aspect. Yes, there's a blowjob joke in there, but I'm not going to make it.Also of interest is this graphic from the box. Based on the picture and the slogan "Wholesome life in the best of taste", I'd guess that Collon is meant to be the snack of marathon runners.
Curry Pretz - Pretz is a stick-type snack from the makes of Pocky that comes in a variety of flavours. I was going to make a savory/unsavory joke about Pretz and Pocky until I realized that in addition to the salty food variety, there are a few sweet flavours of Pretz. No, wait, I can still make that joke. Pocky is Pretz’s unsavory sibling. Hmm, not as amusing as I originally thought.Anyway, Pretz sticks are the delicious love child of a pretzel and a grissini. This flavour comes with four pouches in each box. I enjoy a curry, but I was a little worried, as the box graphic looks like a spoon full of cheese-topped chili. Once I popped open the pouch I got the distinct scent of curry powder. The spice was extremely mild, and after eating three of the sticks, I realized that it was more salty than anything. Once I’d finished the pouch, I noticed a slight curry-laced aftertaste, but I was disappointed.
New York Cheesecake Pucca Chocolate - Despite the name, these contain no chocolate.
I chose these because they seemed to combine two seemingly disparate items: cheesecake and goldfish crackers. Upon opening the bag, I was greeted by a strong scent not unlike canned buttercream icing. This was not an auspicious start. The cracker part was nice and crisp, like the pretzel version of goldfish crackers. The cream filling was dense, but had a slightly gritty texture. It also somehow managed to be both cloyingly sweet and bland.
I ate three or four of the fish, and then threw the rest away. Next time, I’ll go for the March of Koala snacks. They’re similar, but have a smoother filling.
Mustard Cratz Pretzel & Almond - From the fine people at Glico, this is a mix of pretzel pieces and whole almonds. The pretzels had a nice crunchy texture that reminded me of Synders sourdough pretzels. There weren't a ton of almonds, but enough that I was satisfied.When I ordered these, I didn't pay close enough attention and assumed that they were honey mustard flavoured. I had been hoping for something akin to Synders Honey Mustard & Onion pretzels with almonds. Not so much. These are flavoured like brown mustard. There's even a picture on the package to make that perfectly clear.
I'm not a lover of brown mustard, yet even as I was repulsed by these, they were so good that I wanted to eat more. In the end, I at half the pretzels, which are really packed with mustard flavour, and all of the almonds, and resolved to buy another flavour to try.
While I didn't buy this one for the name, some of the stuff on the packaging has been amusing me for days. The slogan "Enjoy after 9 relax time with crunchy OTSUMAMI snack." is such perfect Engrish you'd think they did it on purpose.They even offer a helpful serving suggestion on the back. I used a plate, but drew the line at drinking my beer out of a glass.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Crisis of Faith
I've never really believed in "God". I didn't come from an overly-religious family, so there wasn't really any pressure to believe one way or the other. My brother and I were pretty much left to draw our own conclusions. As a result, I'm an atheist and he's some sort of non-specific Christian.
When I was younger, the notion of some all-powerful being who cares about humanity and watches over us seemed unrealistic. If I was omnipotent, I wouldn't be watching a bunch of shaved apes eat lunch and go to work and use the toilet; I'd be doing something so super-cool they couldn't even imagine it. Besides, if you're all-knowing, you wouldn't need to stick around and see how the whole Earth thing works out.
When I actually read The Bible, it portrayed God as sort of an asshole. Kicking Adam & Eve out of Eden because they did something His allegedly-omnipotent ass knew would happen? Flooding the world to destroy humanity because He's sick of those sons of bitches? Screwing around with magic tricks while the Hebrews were enslaved? Job? Don't even get me started on the whole "letting His only son get killed by the Romans" thing.
Anyway, I've never been able to find any reason to believe in the loving God that Christianity pushes.
Not until today.
I get home from work, go the The Superficial, and see Paris Hilton is going to jail. If God does in fact exist, I believe he works under the name Judge Michael T. Sauer. Maybe this is like one of those Bible stories where there are years of toil and torment, and then when we've given up hope the smiting begins. If so, I want Rachel Ray and Lindsay Lohan to be next.
Still, as happy as this makes me, I'm not going out and getting baptized just yet. We still have to see if that skank actually serves any time, and I'm skeptical. I mean, didn't Jesus have a thing for whores?
Note: I was going to make some comment about Paris getting fisted by her cellmate, but you could probably drive a bus through her. Plus, I'm too classy for that.
When I was younger, the notion of some all-powerful being who cares about humanity and watches over us seemed unrealistic. If I was omnipotent, I wouldn't be watching a bunch of shaved apes eat lunch and go to work and use the toilet; I'd be doing something so super-cool they couldn't even imagine it. Besides, if you're all-knowing, you wouldn't need to stick around and see how the whole Earth thing works out.
When I actually read The Bible, it portrayed God as sort of an asshole. Kicking Adam & Eve out of Eden because they did something His allegedly-omnipotent ass knew would happen? Flooding the world to destroy humanity because He's sick of those sons of bitches? Screwing around with magic tricks while the Hebrews were enslaved? Job? Don't even get me started on the whole "letting His only son get killed by the Romans" thing.
Anyway, I've never been able to find any reason to believe in the loving God that Christianity pushes.
Not until today.
I get home from work, go the The Superficial, and see Paris Hilton is going to jail. If God does in fact exist, I believe he works under the name Judge Michael T. Sauer. Maybe this is like one of those Bible stories where there are years of toil and torment, and then when we've given up hope the smiting begins. If so, I want Rachel Ray and Lindsay Lohan to be next.
Still, as happy as this makes me, I'm not going out and getting baptized just yet. We still have to see if that skank actually serves any time, and I'm skeptical. I mean, didn't Jesus have a thing for whores?
Note: I was going to make some comment about Paris getting fisted by her cellmate, but you could probably drive a bus through her. Plus, I'm too classy for that.
What the hell is wrong with movie people?
I can usually ignore the "news" about craptastic movies in production, but this is just too much. Rush Hour 3? Three? Inarticulate rage!
I don't know who I want to hurt more: New Line for producing this shit; Brett Ratner for directing (and for being Brett Ratner); Chris Tucker & Jackie Chan for taking part in this minstrel show; or, the viewing public for making the first one successful enough to warrant two sequels. Bah, let's just lock them all in a room and let them get torn apart by rabid dogs.
My favourite thing about this comes from the IMDB.com message boards:
China man? I think I'm going to puke my pants. Seriously, people, using terms only employed by my ultra-racist 80-year-old grandmother only undermines your ignorant racist credibility. I've almost gotten used to being called a chink and the "ching chong" thing is a classic (although, alarming coming from anyone over the age of 10), but Chinaman is just weird. Especially since I'm of the female type.
I'm not sure if use of Chinaman is a regional thing, but I blame the movie Crash for its seeming resurgence. That crapfest was the first place I'd heard it used aside from my aforementioned grandmother. Great, so teh kids hear Ludacris saying it and think it's cool for the under-60 crowd.
Kids, Paul Haggis is a hack. He's Canadian, and one of the creators of Walker, Texas Ranger. You can't take his work seriously. Besides, the over-the-top "everyone's a huge raging racist" theme of Crash was indicative of a poorly executed social satire. Right?
Right?
Okay, maybe not. I'm losing track of what's important here: They made a third Rush Hour sequel. As soon as I figure out who's to blame, I'm going to stick a shank in their spine.
I don't know who I want to hurt more: New Line for producing this shit; Brett Ratner for directing (and for being Brett Ratner); Chris Tucker & Jackie Chan for taking part in this minstrel show; or, the viewing public for making the first one successful enough to warrant two sequels. Bah, let's just lock them all in a room and let them get torn apart by rabid dogs.
My favourite thing about this comes from the IMDB.com message boards:
China man? I think I'm going to puke my pants. Seriously, people, using terms only employed by my ultra-racist 80-year-old grandmother only undermines your ignorant racist credibility. I've almost gotten used to being called a chink and the "ching chong" thing is a classic (although, alarming coming from anyone over the age of 10), but Chinaman is just weird. Especially since I'm of the female type.
I'm not sure if use of Chinaman is a regional thing, but I blame the movie Crash for its seeming resurgence. That crapfest was the first place I'd heard it used aside from my aforementioned grandmother. Great, so teh kids hear Ludacris saying it and think it's cool for the under-60 crowd.
Kids, Paul Haggis is a hack. He's Canadian, and one of the creators of Walker, Texas Ranger. You can't take his work seriously. Besides, the over-the-top "everyone's a huge raging racist" theme of Crash was indicative of a poorly executed social satire. Right?
Right?
Okay, maybe not. I'm losing track of what's important here: They made a third Rush Hour sequel. As soon as I figure out who's to blame, I'm going to stick a shank in their spine.
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