Happy Birthday!

Because tomorrow is what some people believe to be the birthday of their lord, here are some of my favourite Jebus-related pictures I've taken.

• First off, this flyer from some Jehovah's Witnesses advertising a convention they were having:

My co-workers agree that he looks like George Michael circa Freedom-90 here. Check it.

From the back of that same flyer, a photo from the "Full-Costume Bible Drama based on Colossians 3:12" to be performed at the conference. I'm guessing the guy on the left is Jebus.

• I must have some sort of Jesus Sense, because I spotted this one in the window of a junk store from across the street.

It's even more Jesus-as-George-Michael goodness, but this time, it's Wham-era George Michael. I guess this explains the "Choose Life" t-shirts.

• Sadly, I don't have a picture of the Jebus license plated car, but I do have this:

Not as good, but this is one of the less crazy Jesus-themed things I've seen on people's cars.

• For instance, this is a van I saw while stuck in traffic on the Kennedy expressway in Illinois.There's something about the aggressiveness of it that makes it seem even crazier than the Jesus Car. Also, it seems to be part of a fleet of 6 (or more).
  

• Contrast that with the tasteful little Jesus Fish this guy's sporting.

I think it says "I love Jebus, but I'm not gonna get all in your face about it."

• Then, of course, there are these guys who will get all in your face about it. If I recall correctly, the questions were:

1. Do you think you're going to heaven? Yes or No.
and
2. Why? (and there were a series of options to check off as well as an "other" with a fill in the blank).

I do remember clearly that the guy at the booth didn't take kindly to my answers of "No" and "Because it doesn't exist".

• What better way to show your love for Jesus than with a brightly coloured, possibly scented candle?

I seriously want one of the psychedelic Virgin Mary candles for my house.

While they're only $1.09, you can be assured that your Jebus candle is the best candle.

• Finally, what would a tribute to Jebus be without fresh new pictures of the Jesus Car?

I was trapped behind this guy while he drove 15 mph down a 35 mph street. And, while taking a series of pictures, I damn near rear ended him.

I snapped this one when I was finally able to pass him. If you look at the full-sized image, you can see the "dead baby" doll attached to his car in the upper left corner.

In closing, Happy Birthday Jebus! Thank you for the hours of entertainment your followers have provided me.

Oh My Gawd, Y'all!

I can't fucking believe it.

On the internets, there was a poorly shot bootleg of the extended first-six-minutes-of-the-movie-containing trailer for the upcoming Batman sequel. And I actually saw it before it got pulled.

I'm seriously unamused by their whole faux-viral marketing scheme, but actually getting to see a snippet of the film has me totally excited. While totally devoid of Christian Bale, I'm sort of sold on Heath Ledger as the Joker. He's actually crazy and scary; not just Jack Nicholson in clown makeup.

The clip is now long-gone and the film doesn't come out until July (in fucking IMAX), but I do have other Batman-related clips to post:

BATMAN The Dark Knight !
Uploaded by He4veN

Notes from the Laundromat

While I was doing a massive amount of laundry the other day, I was forced to listen to whatever crap happened to be playing on the TV at the laundromat-cum-tanning salon that I sometimes go to. (Note: I go for the laundry, not the tanning.) While I was tempted to sit in my car and listen to the [shudder] radio, that would've been totally wasteful. Plus, I need to watch the dryers and make sure that my stuff is drying properly.

Don't judge me.

Anyway, being forced to overhear conversations and the shit on TV taught me some things:

• In A Beautiful Mind, Russell Crowe sounds a lot like Foghorn Leghorn. Like, exactly.
  


• I fucking hate A Beautiful Mind and all its schmaltzy bullshit so much. Arrested Development is the only thing that keeps me from wanting to punch Ron Howard in the face. Well, Arrested and his appearances on The Simpsons. Ahh, Opie, you belong on TV.
  


• Children are terrible, but stupid non-disciplining parents who'd rather have an endless phone conversation about the price of parking are worse. Gawddamnit, lady, either leave the kid at home or make it stop running around and playing with the washer doors.


• The movie P.S. I Love You looks like another horrible, insulting, vaguely misogynistic "romantic comedy", and it makes me rage uncontrollably. My mother's going to love it, and tell me all about how much she loved it. And then "joke" about marrying me off. I hate you, chick movies.
  


• Once you mis-hear P.S. I Love You as "Penis, I Love You", you can never un-hear it.


• Some people are just total douchebags. Case in point: When some women handing out free Red Bull came around, this a-hole bitched about them not having sugar free and then gave them a "[loud dramatic sigh] I guess I'll take one." You son of a bitch, they're offering you free Red Bull. Take it or don't take it, but don't act like a colossal bastard.
  


• Beyonce singing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" is the second-most hideous thing a person could be forced to hear. The second or third time that ad came on, I briefly made eye contact with some guy who looked just as terrified/nauseated as I felt. Looks like Armani cosmetics is going on my "Do Not Buy" list. Damnit, I really wanted to try the shaping foundation.
  


• Meg Ryan shrilly whining about her finance and her hate of the French is the first most hideous thing that a person could ever be forced to hear. I'm tempted to learn just what that movie was so I can track down the people responsible and go all Patrick Bateman on them. I suppose I should just take comfort in the fact that Meg Ryan and her hideous plastic surgery is no longer making movies.
  

What have I learned from all this? Do laundry at my building, so I can play Katamari during the dryer cycle. And, don't let the laundry build up so much that you need the giant load washers to get everything done in a reasonable amount of time. Also, that most people are horrible. Unless it's Ron Howard on a TV comedy airing on Fox.

I just hope he sings "Everything I Do"

So, I just read that Will Arnett (a.k.a. Mr. Amy Poehler, a.k.a. GOB Bluth) will be the voice of KITT in the upcoming (what the fucking fuck?) Knight Rider remake/movie thing.

While I think this is a terrible idea and the network is grossly overestimating the public's desire to see remakes of campy TV shows, I'm completely amused.

I seriously hope that they just recycle lines from Arrested Development. It would be perfect; KITT was a smart-ass car that talked to a guy named Michael, GOB was a smart-ass magician illusionist that talked to his brother, Michael. There are so many fantastic lines to use.

While I don't think they would make this crap-fest great, I think it couldn't hurt to include the following:

GOB singing Everything I Do

His recurring "Come on!"

The classic, "It's an 'illusion', Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money."

And, of course, Franklin.

It's just unfortunate that you can't really have a car do a crazy chicken dance.

Project Runway: Week 5

The choice was: Watch a new Project Runway or a South Park rerun. South Park was tempting, but the whole "Cartman is desperate to make Stan suck his balls" b-story was just creepy. So, Project Runway it is!

Sweet P called eliminated Chris "delightful". Ha! I love that word.

Model Time! But these aren't models. Praise Xenu they didn't use family members again. Of course, now there's the chance that a woman who lost a shit-load of weight will be made to feel fat because she's not super-skinny. Please don't go there, PR.

Christian's already starting in the interview. It's not aggressively mean, but if anyone makes a "model" cry, my money's on him.

Steve gets wedding dress lady. Wait. That 80's overdone wedding dress was her favourite outfit?

Awww, Sweet P is last again. Her button must be stuck to the bottom of the bag.

So, the challenge is to design an outfit for a randomly assigned model using her former favourite outfit. Actually, this is an awesome amalgamation of former challenges (Clothes off your back in season 2, Family member fiasco in season 3, possibly something else I'm not remembering).

Off to the work room for model talking time!

So much Chris love. He barely existed before this. Wonder if they're setting us up for something. Hmm? Something related to the imminent departure of Jack that was all-but announced last week, maybe?

All these bitches seem pretty respectful to their models.

Christian's black-wearing, colour-and-print-hating model sounds like me. Did I black out and wind up on PR? No, she doesn't appear to be some sort of Asian.

It's fabric shopping time!

Oh, Steve, you are so screwed. If you don't use that dress they're going to kill you. Don't just use it as trim, damnit.

Back to the work room, and Jack is leaving. I'm strangely unmoved. He really didn't make much of an impression on me, and the interviews are probably post-treatment, so he's not dead. The designers? Are sad about it. Not to be totally insensitive, but this episode has spent a lot of time dealing with the designers' feelings. Quit moping and get to designing, bitches!

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Back to the show. In the workroom, Ricky is trying on the outfit he's making. Including the heels. Hee. Wait, is that a navel ring? Ew!

And Chris is back. So not shocked at all. But really? They didn't bring someone back when Keith left last season. Whateva, I'm over it.

Workroom working with models and shit. And we get to see clothes! Woo!

Christian did a poufy sleeve? Shocker. Still, the pleating on the front of that top is sort of working for me.

Did Steven dye his dress black? No, he just hasn't used any part of it yet. Jebus.

Tim Gunn is here, and is he mocking Christian? I choose to believe he is. Ha.

Okay, so Steve is just using that big-ass dress to make a collar and cuffs? It was nice to meet you, Steven, I'll be so sorry to see you go.

And Chris is talking sailor suits. If Laura Bennett couldn't make a sailor suit work, you sure as fuck can't. Gawd, don't these people watch past seasons?

Jillian is talking about her garment and I have no idea what she's saying, but I can't help but focus on her dictation. Jeff at Television Without Pity commented on it, but I totally didn't notice until now. It's sort of creepy.

Christian is talking shit about the other designs. He's not wrong about Steve, Chris, and Elisa making some fug-ass shit, but he used that "judges might die over/die because of" line before. It wasn't that clever to start with, and it definitely loses its sting the second time around.

Ricky's crying! Drink.
Crying in the interview, and then in the workroom! Drink again!

OMG! It's time to head out and Steve's not ready, but they're all such super-nice people that they're helping him. I'm inexplicably reminded of Steve's Titanic comment a few weeks ago.

Poll time: Who would you want to come back? Laura Bennett!

It's time for a fashion show! With our guest judge Patrick Robinson from the Gap. I guess this works. The Gap is clothes for normal people, and they're doing clothes for normal women. We'll see how this goes. He may just be bowled over by the unstoppable quipping, bronzing force that is TopAmericanDesignerMichaelKors and NinaGarciaFromElleMagazine.

Sweet P has a whole lot of olive/khaki fabric. Olive green plus orange skin is never good, but that dress is pretty cute.

Jillian apparently bought all new fabric to make the dress. I wonder how this will pan out. It's a super-cute halter dress that looks amazingly well-made and the black stripe detail is nice.

Ricky did a cute outfit with a sleeveless empire-waisted-ish flowy top and a pair of denim capris. It's cute, but I feel like the top is a little unflattering on her. The proportions seems to make her look way pear-shaped, but it could just be the terrible camera angles and the fact that I didn't get to see it for more than 5 seconds.

Chris's isn't a sailor outfit, thank buddha. But that top, the fit, my eyes! Gah.

I have to admit that I love Christian's outfit, poufy sleeves and all. The detailing on the shirt won me over. I would wear that shit.

And now we have Victorya's green velvet dress. It's pretty meh, and the lighting is so bad that I can't pick out any details.

Elisa's look has a top with a weird hem, and they don't show much of the fucking dress. I have no idea what's going on there.

Kit did a super-cute dress. I like how she used the original fabric as an under-layer on the skirt.

Kevin's strapless top looks really well tailored, but I've already decided that I love Christian's design. Plus leggings. Barf.

Steven's dress is so boxy and just yarg. He's so leaving this week.

Rami's dress had a great halter top and a really well-tailored skirt.

Kevin, Elisa, Jillian, Steve, Christian, and Chris get called out. At least this means I get to check out the fuggery. Elisa's dress has some weird layering going on. Unflattering. Steve's looks cheap and totally matronly. I have no idea if it's at all well-tailored and I know I loved Jack's square neckline last week, but this is just hideous.

Poll result: The people have chosen Daniel Vosovic. The people don't know shit.

And we're back with results. Christian wins, and I'm strangely pleased. Yes, he still sucks, but that design was kickass. To nobody's surprise, Steve is auf'ed. Goodbye, Steve, the next time I'm at the Museum of Science and Industry, I'll think of you. Then I'll go looking for the baby chickens that may or may not be there. Ricky, it looks like you're my favourite.

Next Week: It looks like they're making stuff out of garbage again. I'm sure there's a twist to it, and they're using, like, street vendor wrappers or something.

Project Runway: Week 4 Delayed Reaction

So, I wasn't going to write anything and then when I was at the gym last night I was thinking about the "collections" and trying to figure out just why Team Jillian won (besides the fact that everyone else produced pure unadulterated fug), and I decided to write something.


This week’s challenge? Design a collection using fashion trends of the past.

I hate team challenges so much. Maybe it’s because I've never been much of a team player, but mostly it's because the judging seems so fucked up and leader-centric. When a “team” wins, credit goes to the leader, even if it’s an undeserved win by a shit-ass designer who lucked out picking teammates (see, Season 3 Macy’s Challenge, with Angela, Mychael, and Laura). Alternately, a decent designer could get auf’ed for getting stuck with a crappy team and get bounced for someone else's shitty construction skills. Plus, this show has demonstrated over and over that if a team leader actually acts like the leader and takes some responsibility for what went wrong, they're auf'ed. When the teams were nominating their leaders, all I could think was, “Dude, sucks to be you.”


Now for the collections:


I thought I might like Team Jillian’s collection now, but I still sort of hate it. Also, it seems that the trends were Overalls, Poodle Skirts, and 70’s Flare (not denim). This doesn’t change anything, but it does make me wonder, “Why all the fucking denim?” and also, “Oh, 70’s flare. Right.”, which doesn’t really make any sense.

Anyway, looking over stills of the collections, it’s clear that this one had to win, if only for it’s cohesiveness. In addition to the denim, there were similar silhouettes (see the necklines on Jillian’s piece and Rami’s dress) and there were common details like the buttons on Jillian’s piece and Kevin’s shorts and the fabric from Kevin’s top being used as trim in Rami’s dress.

Plus, the interpretation of trends wasn’t totally literal. Jillian’s piece looks like a wide-legged jumpsuit my mother owned in the 70’s (it was sleeveless purple polyester with a ruffled v-neck), but the denim is evocative of overalls. Rami’s dress isn’t really a poodle skirt, but the volume is reminiscent of one. I’m not really sure what’s going on with Kevin’s look. Maybe the fabric in the top or the high-waistedness of the shorts is supposed to be 70’s. I do like that the belt/waistband detailing is like the hook things on a pair of overalls.


It turns out that Team Christian had Zoot Suit, Fringe, and Pleather. Looking at the pictures, I have no fucking clue where those things come in to play. From what I understand, Zoot Suits tended to be sort of broad-shouldered affairs that were done up in bright-ish colours. I guess the pinstripe fabric, pencil skirts, and the vest on Christian’s look were evocative of suits, but still.

Looking back over this one, though, I like Kit’s outfit more than I originally did. I’m a sucker for a black & white outfit, the contrasting prints actually work together, and the cap sleeves are a nice detail. The jacket on Christian’s outfit looks like a cardigan and it just doesn’t work with the puffy top. Jack’s dress still make me cringe for all the same reasons it did originally (leggings, shapeless, crazy Vincent-esque pockets, whickety-whack trim), but I do like the neckline on it.


Seeing Team Chris’s collection makes me wonder just what the hell went on there. They don’t look like they belong together at all. Steven’s especially stands out, but Chris and Sweet P’s pieces look like they just happened to be made in the same colour.

My original assessment stands. Chris’s bolero was fug, Steven’s outfit was meh (and sort of looked like he basically copied the picture he was given), and Sweet P’s dress looked great in comparison.

The obvious downfall was the original decision to design their own pieces using their own trends and just do them in the same fabric. What made Team Jillian's collection successful was that they seemed to incorporate elements from each other’s work.


For all the sturm und drang, Team Rick-torya put out the worst collection. The pieces were just as disconnected as they were for Team Chris, but they didn’t even seem to include two of the required trends. And, that’s if you accept the pink and yellow detailing on the pieces as “neon”.

Seriously, it’s a set of three satin mini-dresses that look like they were pulled from the clearance rack at an “everything’s $10” store in one of those depressing strip malls that also houses a dollar store and an on-the-verge-of-closing Walgreens. At least Team Chris managed to put out pieces that looked well-made.

Considering that Ricky is a former lingerie designer, a fact that has been mentioned multiple times and is probably on his little title card thing they show, you’d think that there would be something that looked like underwear. His dress in the first competition would’ve worked better for this than anything that actually got made here. Plus, cut outs? Anywhere? I think a keyhole top would’ve sufficed. I suppose the one thing that didn’t make me want to projectile vomit was the fact that Victorya did own up to getting construction help from Ricky.


This episode was so full of faux drama that I didn't bother to rewatch. It's clear that in terms of their technical abilities, this is probably the best group of contestants, but the episodes have been painfully uninteresting. What initially drew me in to the show was watching people designing great (ant not-so-great) clothes, not watching people act like douchebags.
There's nothing else on TV right now, and I still have to force myself to watch this show. Come on, Project Runway people, do something other than annoy me.


NextWeek (okay, tomorrow): Some stuff is going to happen. Let's see if I can pretend to give a shit.

Project Runway: Week 4

Last Week: Jack "Pretty Boy" won, Carmen "Former Model" got auf'ed, and I didn't bother re-watching because I just didn't' care that much.

This Week: I think I know these people's names. Which is good, because I can't really remember the stupid nicknames I made up. Also, group challenge!

But first, damn, Heidi looks orange in the credits. I don't think I've watched them this season. Jebus cripes. woman, what the hell did they do to you? You look totally normal in the Victoria Secret fashion show pictures from last month.

Also, there's credits over my first two minutes of show. Weird.

The models are back, and they have names. I don't remember any of those names, but two were vaguely Eastern European-sounding. Jack swaps models, and "New!Andrae" Ricky gets pissy about it. For real? It's, like, the third challenge with them. You can't be too attached to those bitches.

Off to the workroom for one of PR's patented "big reveals that aren't really that big, and sort of disappointing if they haven't already been some how spoiled". Before said reveal, I notice that "Hippie Lady" Elisa is wearing what look like giant handbag-shaped earrings. I think I want them.

The super-special guest is fashiondirectorforEllemagazine Nina Garcia. I love Nina, but big fucking deal. And, it's all "blah, blah, past fashion trends and shit".
So, the challenge this week is: Pick a hideous fashion trend of the past, get together with two other designers and their trends, and design a collection that incorporates all three. There's shit like cut outs, underwear as outer wear, all-denim. At first I thought they were all 80's trends, but poodle skirts and zoot suits were included, so I'm not sure. I wish leggings or at least legging with skirt were included, because they're just as bad as neon or all-denim.

Shockingly, Christian the New Wave Boy goes for the zoot suit. I thought he would've jumped at shoulder pads.

Now is the time on PR when we shop!
Christian, team star? Really? You're all fierce? Jebus. You suck so hard. Seriously, lady, you're like some sort of Paris-Hilton-idolizing, TMZ-reading, 12-year-old girl in a 21-year-old faux hipster douchebag's body. Hate you so much.

Steven of the Chicago Museum's nonchalant relay of Chris's "looks like my grandmother's goddamn couch" comment somehow made him my favourite.

Back to work, bitches!
Gotta say, Ricky's dealing with Elisa was awesome. He wasn't condescending or assy to her, and his explanation of working with hippie dance instructors was totally amusing.

Last week there was singing. This week a Tim-pression. Please stop. You people aren't Santino. Don't remind me of him.

Mid-challenge model fitting! Did they do this in the past? If not, I hope it's a permanent thing for the season. It could definitely help the better designers, and filter out the ones who just can't tailor or construct a garment to save their lives. Not really getting a good look at the clothes yet. Team Chris/Steven/Sweet P doesn't look hideous, but it's not all that interesting. Team Ricky/Victorya/Elisa looks seriously cheap. I guess shiny neon fabric does that.

I hate all the team challenge drama. So uninteresting. The only one not included was Team Christian/Jack/Kit, so they're probably not going to win or lose this one.

If Steven wasn't my favourite, Ricky would be for his, "I don't think smashing her boobs is 'polished'" comment.

It's Runway Time!
Team Jillian/Kevin/Rami had overalls, all-denim, and poodle skirts. Jillian's overalls are fug by virtue of the fact that they're fucking overalls. On Kevin's outfit, all I see is the froufrou neck cowl. Rami's dress is actually sort of cute.

Team Chris/Steven/Sweet P had shoulder pads, dance wear, and oversized sweaters. The dress that Chris did was nice, but that jacket was all sorts of ugly. Leaving it off was totally not an option, though, because his trend was shoulder pads. Steven's outfit was totally meh. The satiny wrap top said "I'm a wrap top" and the leggings attempted to claw my eyes out with their hideousness. I'm not sure if I actually like it, or it just stands out compared to the other two, but Sweet P's sweater dress was pretty cute. It would be ghastly on someone over 100lbs, but it looked great on her model.

Team Christian/Jack/Kit was zoot suit, somethign else, and something else. Seriously, between my contempt for Christian and my suspicion that they were just "in", I didn't pay that much attention. I do know that I hate Jack's dress with a firey passion. It was a shapeless sac with some sort of crazy trim, and it was worn over leggings. I think I'm going to puke.

Team Ricky/Victorya/Elisa had neon, underwear as outer wear, and cut outs. Like I said before the shiny neon fabric made everything look super cheap. Ricky's dress looked like it had a terrible fit up top. Elisa's looks oddly-proportioned and the triangle business draws me back to the cheap thing. Victorya's is just... yarg.

Huh, Team Jillian won. I guess I can see that.
See, Team Christian is "in" and can leave the runway.

I fucking hate the "who should go" question, because it's so obviously meant to start shit. At least everyone was pretty straightforward this time. They must've gotten all cried out on Week 2.

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I feel like I should, but I just can't see Sweeney Todd. It's a musical, an old one that's been on Broadway and shit. Can't do it. Even if it is about someone selling meat pies made from humans. And it has Johnny Depp. And Ali G. And is directed by Tim Burton. Not gonna do it.

And we're back.
Steve and Ricky are safe to battle it out for my favourite. Chris is auf'ed. Given that he was sort of a non-entity until this episode, is anyone surprised?

Next Week:
Shenanigans with the models, the judges make bitchy comments, there's something up with Jack. My prediction: Plus-sized models. You know, size 6 fatties.