I hate everyone so much

In between making hyper-offensive, possibly self-loathing, Asian jokes at work, I saw that they're making the movie Crash in to a TV show mini-series thing. On the one hand, I'm mad as fuck that that preachy tripe is still considered watchable in some form. On the other, I'm hoping that the crap-ass production values and overall cheesiness of the TV mini-series genre will reveal the hideous awfulness of that piece of shit.

Still, it's not all bad. These comments from the thread on FilmDrunk made me laugh quite a lot:

affleckwasthebomb said:

I loved the bit in crash when racism pushed Sandra Bullock down the stairs.

brooklyn said:

what's the DEEEEEAL with black people? white people drive like this and black people drive like this! and other staggeringly deep 21st centuries observations on race.

paul haggis should get ass cancer and die.

and, jokerswild offered the only option that would make this palatable:

Personally I'd prefer to see a show about the 90's Crash with Spader and that uber hot blonde with the brunette kitty.

In other horrible movie-related news:

• Dennis Quaid, who I've always though of as a fairly respectable actor, is joining the cast of G.I. Joe.
• I finally watched the Be Kind, Rewind trailer and it looks totally funny.
and

• The weekend box office grosses make me want to buy a gun and start shooting wildly.
  

They do in Chinatown

San Francisco, wonderfully hilly and mass-transited though it may be, is not gigantic and sprawling like LA and Chicago are. This means that you could conceivably walk from one end of the city to the other. Or, that you could easily walk from the touristy neighborhood where your hotel is to the touristy neighborhood where there are a bunch of shops to look at.

During the week I was in San Francisco, I made two trips to Chinatown. The first was when I was walking around North Beach. I basically turned a corner and there it was. I wound up walking down Stockton, which is one street over from the superultratouristy Grant street. While there were still plenty of cheesy souvenir shops, there were also markets and shops and restaurants that were, like, for people who actually lived there. It meant that I got to see cool shit like:

Frickin' durian fruit. Crazy and exotic to my Wisconsin-ite eyes, but just about every fruit stand I passed had them for sale.


I know, they're ducks. Big fucking deal. However...

Tripe! I know, right? And next to it, but less visible, chicken feet. Touristy dim sum joints on Grant weren't rocking this shit.
While the chances of me being able to, um, stomach the tripe were slim to none, I should've man'ed up and sampled the chicken feet.

This pagoda-shaped pay phone on the corner of Jackson & Stockton. Why, yes, that is me with my face blacked out. The booth's exterior was covered in graffiti, and I'm not entirely sure it worked. Still, it was pretty fucking cool and probably a relic from a time before mobile phones. Note: If you go on the street-level thing on Google Maps, you can actually sort of see this thing at that intersection. Neat, huh?

Sadly, I'm not sure what amused me more about this: Dick Lee or the angelfire web address. Yep, it actually works. The place looked shut down, but maybe they were just closed for the day.

I actually caught sight of this fucking gorgeous view while on the cable car going down Powell earlier that day. I believe this is looking down Jackson street.
I have several pictures peering out in to the Bay, and this one is my definite favourite.


Seen, but not pictured:

• tons of bakeries selling bao and lotus cakes and red bean mochi
• bubble tea and crepe stall where I had the hugest selection of bubble tea flavours I've ever seen (taro, always go taro)
• live fish market - my mother and I watched a couple of guys trying to grab live fish out of a small tank, their efforts made a mess and were unsuccessful until the shop lady quickly reach over, grabbed the fish, and tossed it in a bag for them.

This was unexpected

So, Heath Ledger's dead. I'm not proud, but my first thought was, "I guess Charlie Hunnam won't have any more competition for roles calling for a Heath Ledger type." My second was, "I wonder if this will push back The Dark Knight."

I'll at least do him the courtesy of posting a flattering picture.

On the one hand, I'm indifferent, as I tend to be when celebrities die; however, I'm also surprised. He seemed pretty together, unlike some of his paparazzi-baiting celebretard peers, which is probably why his death is oddly unsettling. That and the fact that he's barely older than I am.

It's terribly unfortunate. He had the potential to be one of his generation's icons or slowly slide into mediocrity after a couple of kick-ass roles. Now we'll never know.

Since these things happen in threes (Brad Renfro was #1), I'm now worried about Jerry O'Connell:

Xenu does not appreciate your mockery, and those bastards are crazy.

The annual Jellyfish Cotillion

Jellyfish, along you came,

and right away I'm stung.

Sweet words I long to whisper,
But you've paralyzed my tounge.

The jellyfish in the top picture are real, and can be found at the Aquarium of the Bay at Pier 39. The ones in the bottom picture are the tackiest souvenirs I saw in San Francisco, and can be found at a shop at Pier 39 and possibly in someone's home.

So, San Francisco has a small aquarium. It's not the Shedd, but it's a fun (if you're a science nerd, and I am) way to spend an afternoon.

The Under the Bay exhibit is super-cool. You get to walk through two long-ass tunnels smack dab in the middle of two different Bay environments. The first one is a shallow water habitat, and has stuff like sea anemones, starfish, and the prettier Finding Nemo-esque fish. The second, a deep water habitat, has the bigger, scarier stuff like sharks and sturgeon. There's also a gigantic swirly school of anchovies, which is also sort of scary if you've got a thing about swarms of stuff (yep) or you've gotten sick from eating anchovies (done that too).

Even cooler is the Touch the Bay exhibit at the end. There are a couple of shallow pools overseen by aquarium-ologists with bat rays and sea urchins and rays and starfish and leopard sharks that you can touch. You get to touch a fucking shark.

If you time your visit right (we didn't, damnit), you can you can go to an ocean-themed demo that will probably involve watching the animals eat.

How I Spent My Winter Vacation

Did I mention I was in San Francisco for the from X-mas to New Year's? 'Cause I was and it was fucking awesome.

On X-mas day, after cramming myself full of deliciously fatty fish & chips and beer, I walked around Fisherman's Warf and saw:

Lethargic sea lions being gawked at by tourists.



The phallic grandeur of stately Coit Tower, and the awesome modern pointyness of the two on the right.


Beautiful Alcatraz Island.



And this kid's super-cool X-mas themed getup.

I was there with my mom (I know, right?) for about a week, so there are more pictures to come.

I'm confused

Reading movie blogs at work today, I learned the following things:

• John Singleton is going to be making an A-Team movie. Goddamnit, John, isn't it enough that you made a shitty and unnecessary Shaft remake? What the fuck?


• A certain horrible film based on a cartoon about anthropomorphic chipmunks made $200 million, so naturally they're planning a sequel. I hate everyone involved in the creation and subsequent success of this movie so fucking much. I hope they all go sterile and get ass cancer before they're able to reproduce or find love. I'm sorry, mom, but if you actually paid money to see this shit, that includes you.


• They're movie-ifying William Gibson's novel Neuromancer, and potentially casting that douchebag from the new Star Wars movies in the lead. Because I'm nerdy like that, I'm way into William Gibson's books. I'm ambivalent about another one being made in to a movie. Clearly, people don't remember the mind numbing badness of Johnny Mnemonic. What little my stupid brain will allow me to recall involves Henry Rollins using a dolphin to extract some data from Keanu Reeve's brain. I think. Damnit, now I'm going to Netflix that shit.


• Chuck Palahnuik's novel Choke has been made in to a movie with Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, and that girl from Trainspotting. Woo. There are also rumors that Palahnuik is talking about making Fight Club in to a musical. I'm both horrified and fascinated. If it actually happens, I hope they take the West Side Story approach to fighting.


• I still don't give a fuck about the Lost guy's monster movie (or his Star Trek movie), the new Indiana Jones movie, or the lame-ass killer vagina movie. How the hell is it that crap like that is financed and released, while I can't see Last Year at Marienbad on DVD?
  


• They're making a G.I. Joe movie (sweet Jebus, help us) that will feature Marlon Wayans (big fucking surprise) and also Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Despite the whole Third Rock from the Sun thing, I was under the impression that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was, like, an actor. You know, making watchable movies.



• Michael Mann is making a movie about Dillinger that may star Johnny Depp as Dillinger and Christian Bale as the FBI guy who brings him down. I'm ambivalent about Michael Mann, but I'm cautiously optimistic about this. At least, after seeing him not shoot Russell Crow in 3:10 to Yuma (which bored the fuck out of me), I'll be able to watch Christian Bale shoot a man in the back. If that man has to be Johnny "Godlier than Bono and way less preachy" Depp, so be it. I'm not happy, but I'll take it.



As a side note, I went to university in Chicago, and where I attended classes was a block away from the Biograph Theatre where Dillinger was shot. It's also where scenes from High Fidelity were shot. John Cusack succeeded in pissing me the fuck off by blocking up traffick for fucking ever. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

This is also where my blog-reading got off track; partially because I had actual work to do but also because the whole Christian Bale in a '20's gangster film got me pondering this: If The Prestige was re-worked as Some Like it Hot, which one would be Jack Lemon or Tony Curtis. In the end, I decided that Bale would be Jack Lemon. Not just because I prefer him to Hugh Jackman and think that Lemon had the better role (although, I do), but because in the end he heads off with Michael Caine, as the rich old millionaire suitor.

The more I think about it, the more I actually want to see that movie. It can't possibly be worse than any of the other shit that's getting released (see: almost everything noted above) and it might keep Christian Bale from getting involved with the McG-directed fourth Terminator movie.

You read that right: fourth Terminator movie. Directed by McG. Possibly starring Christian Bale.

What the hell is wrong with people?

You Fail at X-Mas

When I say "you" I mean me. And when I say "fail" I mean get crap-ass gifts.

The extended family gift exchange manages to piss me off every year because of its inherent inequity. It's no different than what most families do: You're randomly assigned the name of a cousin and you get them a gift in the $25-30 range.

This range means there've always been people who stick to the high or low end when buying. With most of us getting gift cards, it's not hard to see who cheaps out and who doesn't. While this shouldn't really make a difference (and it doesn't, it's just a few dollars, whatever), it pisses me the fuck off. Take last year when I gave a $30 card, received a $25, and watched my brother, whose exchange gift was paid for by out mother, receive a $30 card. My take: -$5. His: +$30.

Of course, this year was even better.

Following the untimely death of my father, the family decided they need to "take care" of us. My mother gets weekend trips and home cooked meals, my brother gets a free Wii (seriously), and I get bullied into quitting smoking (which came with massive weight gain and a cracked tooth). As if this wasn't making me rage-y enough, come X-mas my aunt decides that the best thing she can do for me is pick out my exchange gift. With absolutely no input from me.

I'm really not a complicated person. I like makeup, coffee, The Simpsons, scented candles, and all manner of crap from Ikea. I do cross-stitch and other crafty stuff. Finding a good, non-gift card, gift shouldn't be hard. Finding an adequate gift should be a cakewalk.

Still, I was given this:


As I was unwrapping it, my aunt came by and said that she saw it and thought it was me. I've had this thing for over three weeks now, and I'm still trying to figure out what part of me is reflected in this. First, I'm not a rustic/hippie earthenwear type. Stylistically, it clashes with everything I own. Like, I don't think I even have a pair of shoes that would go with that thing.

The second, and in retrospect, more offensive, aspect of this is the fucking chopsticks. I accepted this graciously, I really did. But then I pulled out the goddamn chopsticks. I managed to keep the bland, "it's really nice" bullshit when anyone asked me if I liked it, but for fuck's sake. Chopsticks? I didn't wrap up a brick of Velveeta and hand it over with a "I just saw it and thought of you". Shit. These people have known me long enough to know better.

I took it in to work so that my coworkers could share in the mockery, and that's about as useful as it'll ever be to me.

Next year: Fuck the family, I'm spending X-mas alone.

Project Runway: Week 6

I caught this on a Sunday afternoon rerun, and I had to choose between PR and a rerun of The Dog Whisperer that I've somehow seen a couple time. Don't you love The Dog Whisperer? He actually does stuff he help people and teach them to live better lives with their pets.

Also, holy fucking shit Futurama is on Comedy Central right now. I can't wait until the TV-ization of the movie airs.

Do you like product placement? Do you? If you don't, then Bravo reality competitions shows aren't for you. Seriously.

Yeah, they're making garments out of shit from a candy shop. It's important to note that this shit includes pillows, t-shirts, and huge rolls or paper wrappers. So, they're not making dresses out of actual candy.

Honestly, I wasn't paying too much attention until the runway show. I did catch the bit where Elisa was talking about her car accident. If I hadn't already known that she was being auf'ed, I would've guessed it from that. Also, Zac Posen is a judge again. Wee.

On to the clothes:

Rami: Come on, MK, it does look silly: It's candy wrappers and plastic. Undoubtedly, it's well made and exquisitely fitted. Not my pick for the win, but I get why they gave it to him.

Elisa: It would've been a perfectly serviceable dress without the crazy water wings. Not the most exciting thing in the world, but it might have slipped by in the middle.

Jillian: She seems to have a thing for red. I have to admire the risk she took, but I don't love the execution. I initially thought it would've been an interesting idea to use the licorice as faux-boning in a corset top. I didn't realize that she was doing the entire bodice in licorice. If it hadn't been so labour-intensive, I would've given her top 3 spot to either Kevin or Christian.

Victorya: Ugh, so goddamn ugly. The ruffles. It just looks so bad. And she paired it with orange shoes? Yeesh, it doesn't even look well made. And that model walk pose was just weird.

Chris: Fucking love it. It uses the logos without making they logo-y. That op-art pattern is fantastic. It's totally chic and the styling is spot-on. I love how the pattern of the top is sort of mirrored in the bracelets she's wearing. I totally picked him to win.

Sweet P: Boring, but inoffensive. I had visceral reactions to some of the designs that didn't get called out, but this just left me cold. I suspect she got stuck being not quite good enough for middle-of-the-pack and suffered for it.

Ricky: Bubble skirt! I can't help but flash back to Andrae's design for the Barbie competition. In fact, I've just come up with this analogy: Ricky:Andrae as Railroad hat:Short shorts. With that out of the way, his garment looks well made, but I think it's ugly.

Kit: It's all too much. The super-logo'ed top and skirt, the styling with the hair and the boots. I guess what separates her and Rami's designs is that the construction of his was actually interesting. The skirt and the top on this one are just blah with ugly-as-fuck candy wrappers.

Kevin: When he said he was making three pieces, I sort of thought the editing monkeys were setting him up for disaster. I should've known. His garment looks impeccable. I love that he gave her a Hershey bar clutch. I wonder if he actually used Rolos for the buttons.

Christian: The dress itself is pretty uninteresting in terms of the sillhouette and the construction, but the peanut butter cup wrappers give it an interesting texture. I really like it.

Next week: More of this bullshit.

Shit I'm not watching

So, there was a new ep of Project Runway and I totally forgot that it was coming back.

Yeah. I guess Elisa got auf'ed.

I'm so fucking indifferent I don't know if I'll bother to start watching again. We'll see.

Shit I'm watching

As if the movies, organic coffee, quinoa cooking DVD extra, daily weather reports, and Gucci ad weren't enough, David Lynch proves himself to be truly awesome:




Ahh, Thailand, to think that all these years I only loved your for your food.




As a history buff, I think my dad would've gotten a kick out of this one:




As if you haven't seen it already, Conan O'Brien & Robert Smigel's super-funny pilot. Because you need to watch something during the strike.




"Honey, you're an idiot. Why don't you do it?"




The greatest Japanese cat-based game show ever.




Finally, this one from latenightunderground.com. It beautifully melds The Shining and Late Night With Conan O'Brien. There's no option to embed, but you should totally visit the site and check out all of the videos.

Why have I not been reading this?

So, after the delightfully dorky pics of Kanye West playing Connect 4 started showing up everywhere, I actually went and checked out Kanye's blog.

Holy fucking shit.

I was half expecting it to be nothing but shameless self-promotion and a lot of crazy rambling, as celebretards' personal blogs tend to be. But his blog is like a catalogue of cool shit. Like Mindy Kahling's "Things I've Bought That I Love" with less girly-girl stuff filtered through Wallpaper and Giant Robot or something.

Posts about Bathing Ape gear, pop art, and cool-ass modern design stuff (like these livingstones which I'm now coveting), are up among music videos, articles about Jay-Z, and a fair amount of self-promotion. It all makes for an awesome blog and it's really hard not to like a guy who 1. Posts the aforementioned Connect 4 pictures; 2. Includes a clip from American Psycho in his post about seeing Robert Longo lithographs at a gallery; and 3. Goggles over the inflated prices at LAX Burger King (because we'd all do it).

That's not even including the Murakami-love, the fan-made Lupe Fiasco video he posted, a blurb about Bond No. 9's new fragrance, and the tons of posts I haven't had a chance to look at yet.

I almost wish I had work tomorrow, because I know how I'm going to be killing time in the cube farm these days.

@#$%!

Just got back from a week in San Francisco.

The trip was fun, the return flight was seriously delayed and hellish (damn you, Midwest Airlines! You too, old lady who kept putting on vomiticious scented lotion.).

After dropping off my mother at home, all I wanted to do was have a Diet Coke and the Parisian Macarons I bought at Miette.

It was 11:35 PM. And there was a fucking car parked in my spot. That son of a bitch didn't even have a parking permit tag, so I couldn't get the maintenance guy to go knocking on an apartment door and get him/her the fuck out.

I had to drive around and find street parking. On New Year's Eve. In a bar-heavy area.

Bastard.

PT Cruiser driver who parked in my spot, I hope you get VD or alcohol poisoning tonight.

Happy fucking new year.