Hello, sassy consumer!

I'm seriously exhausted from yesterday's Black Friday shopping. I was only out for about 5 hours, but today my non-existent biceps are aching. My plan for today was to hang out and not do a damn thing, but now I'm considering heading out to Best Buy to pick up a copy of The Simpsons Game.

I'm torn. On the one hand, it's Mr. Sparkle! On the other, the remaining trailers indicate a distinct lack of Professor Frink. Hmmm.

I'll buy it eventually, but today I'll be at home icing down my forearms.

Project Runway: Week 2

While watching this week's episode, I took notes. Not quite live blogging, but something not unlike it.

First off, Heidi's looking less orange than last week. Since this is actually filmed right after the last runway show, it must've been due to the gold lame dress she was wearing last time.

Anyway, model time. They all have names, but I'm not going to learn any just yet. New!Andrae, stop acting like you're creating drama by switching models. No one cares until they're all bonded with their models and you try to steal someone's muse.
I sort of noticed this on the rewatch of last week's ep, but Chicago Museum Guy's model sort of looks like Season 3's Laura Bennett. Like, for real. It's not just because of the hair.

The challenge has to do with a "fashion icon". This never goes well. I don't even care who it is, except it's Sarah Jessica Parker, which... ew. Is she wearing leggings? She is. Double ew. I object to her alleged "fashion icon" status, given that it came from her TV show's costumer dressing her in some gag-tastic outfits that were occasionally less fug.
So, she's here to pimp her "clothing line", which was produced for a chain of stores whose shtick is, apparently, nothing over $20. As a result, her "line"'s initial release was pretty much panned by fashion professionals and consumers for looking like sub-Walmart crap.
Clearly, this competition is a trick. The designers want to win in order to get immunity, but winning could require them to make a garment that fits in with her collection of shitastic, poorly-fitted, polyester crap. Considering that, and the fact that the "leaders" are regularly punished in team challenges, the smart choice would be to throw the pitch competition. If you're a kick ass partner, no matter how hideous the final garment is, you're totally safe.

Now to the part where they work. Well, first they go through a pitch session with SJP. I remember very little of the actual pitches, but the thing that stands out is that most of the men did really beautiful colour sketches, while the women tended towards plain black & white.
And, Jebus tapdancing Christ, when Hippie Lady talks I want to punch my TV. I don't even know what she's saying but I want her to stop. Her sketch looks like a giant rain poncho or something. Gag.
Are jackets with leg-o'-mutton sleeves the only thing that New Wave Boy can do? So totally fug.
PR!Frank, your SJP worship is, like uber-creepy. Besides that, your constant crying paired with your status as this season's fatty makes me think you're actually to PR4 as Dave was to Top Chef Season 1. I may have to rename you PR!Dave.
Awww, SJP, don't look so put out that Straight Guy didn't shake your hand. I wouldn't even want to have to be in the same room with you.
Designers are selected, teams created, Hat Guy's name is Marion. Huh.

This week's lame-ass poll is "Whose fashion eye do you trust the most?" I'm inclined to go with M-Kors, if only because our respective black-on-black wardrobes are similar. I assume Tim will come out the winner, though.

Ad watch, or companies I will never buy from again because I hate their commercials:

• Bluefly.com for those naked woman commercials. I'm not opposed to naked women, but I think another company already annoyed me with these ads a couple years ago.
• L'Oreal for the ads with Beyonce. I also closed my AmEx account because they had ads with her useless ass.

Runway time!

• Not!Sweet P with PR!Dave - Big sweatshirt and leggings. It looks like something a broke college student would be forced to wear on laundry day. It also totally looks like it belongs with the SJP collection.
• Hippie Woman with Sweet P - Meh. I hate the colour (something about it screams "cheap" for some reason), plus capes are just renamed ponchos. Accept it. What the hell kind of wack-job spits on clothes, and then admits to it on the runway? Urge to kill rising...
• Right Said Fred with Pretty Boy - Yarg. Leggings. Again, it would probably fit in with the fug-ass collection.
• Marion with Chicago Museum Guy - It's reminiscent of Wendy Pepper's "Future Challenge" dress from Season 1. You know, the one with the recycled knit and the hideous falling-off fringe that Not!Ninagarcia said looked like something her cat puked up.
• New Wave Boy with Former Model - Gah, that colour again. That dress just looks cheap. Plus, the jacket? Gross.
• New!Andrae with That Woman - I'm surprised at how much I liked his dress. The colour was great, the ruffles around the neckline weren't as frilly as I feared, and the woven leather belt was an awesome touch.
• Korean Girl with Straight Guy - Cute again. I can't resist a black dress. The vest is actually pretty cute, and I like the bow detail on the neck. Would it fit in with the collection? Of course not, it doesn't look like sweatshop-produced ass. There's an inappropriate Asian joke in there, but it's just not coming to me.
Definitely deserved to win, but totally inappropriate for that line. I have no doubt that they'll fuck it up and make it look super-assy.

I probably should've guessed that Marion would be auf'ed when I learned his actual name. I was grossed out that Hippie Lady was in the top 2, but maybe next week I'll learn her name and she'll get the boot.

Next week I'm guessing the challenge is Menswear.

Project Runway: Week 1 Delayed Reaction

I'm seriously meh on Project Runway this season. I'm not sure if it's the show or my newfound lack of interest in TV. I'll see if I can manage to make it to week 3, unlike some other shows I started watching this season.

Anyway.

I planned on revisiting the first show after a few days for a delayed-reaction review, aided by Bravo's stills and possibly the blogs. I totally didn't do that. I didn't even check out Project RunGay for some funny bitchy commentary. I did, however, watch the rerun of the last half of last week's episode before this one.

Week 1 Delayed Reaction Review:

• Still hate Hippie Lady. I seriously can't stand her and her crazy spacey bullshit. She's like some unbearable Lupe/Angela/Vincent hybrid that I want to push off a balcony. Her dress? I don't care. She could make the greatest garment in the history of Project Runway, and I'd still hate it.
• Chicago Museum Guy's suit looked really well made. I don't even completely loathe the weird business in the buttock area. I might just wear the hell out of that.
  
• The Former Model's garment isn't as 1980's as I originally thought. But can you blame me? A gold lame top with prominent shoulders. Still, don't like it.
• Sweet P calls it a "happy dress"? Is that like someone calling their kid "special"? Seriously remedial. It looks like a pillow case that had shoulder straps attached to it.
  
• Straight Guy, your dress looks super cheap and extra assy. And that's even if you took away the weird silver thing over the abdomen.
• Hat Guy's dress was just a big mess.
  
• Not Sweet P and Other Woman made dresses that tread a fine line between sort of ugly and totally boring. No wonder I didn't remember them.
• PR!Frank and Pretty Boy made dresses that I rather like, despite the fact that both they had excessively poufy bows at the neck. Still, Frank's dress was a beautiful colour and looked--guh--expensive; and, Pretty Boy's dress was totally cute.
• I would've included New!Andrae's dress with those two for its cute-but-unremarkable status, but they totally called him out.
  
• Right Said Fred's dress is nice, and winner-ish, but there's something about the way the fabric was draped that totally embiggens his model on her right side. Seriously. Watch her walking the runway. Jiggling aside, it was unflattering in a non-specific way. Plus, the flower looked like my mother's fugly window treatments.
• That poufy-sleeved jacket by New Wave Boy is just so unappealing to me. Plus, I hate how his model was styled. The hair, the bronzer. Yarg.
• Korean Girl's dress is more appealing to me, because it seems like something I could realistically wear. Even the metallic flower isn't excessively offensive to me, because it looks almost abstract.
• The auf'ing of Sideswept Bangs seemed entirely justified, but still made me rage (see: Hippie Lady). Her dress was unremarkable, and if you can't finish something that basic, you have no business on this show.
  

Belly out. Boobies out. Damn

I heard that John Goodman was in rehab--real rehab. Like, the one where grownups go to take responsibility for their actions and get sober.--so, I feel slightly ill-at-ease mocking him.

Still, how can I let that go. His breasts are bigger than mine. Seriously, I'm going to go cry and eat a pint of gelatto after I finish writing this.

He always seemed to be flirting with morbid obesity, but I don't ever remember seeing those.

For a yellow-eyed gamey-smelling low life you really have quite a decent heart about you

or, "If You Don't Love David Letterman, You Hate America"




Seriously. Taunting a celebretard was good, but this is fucking awesome.

While the writers' strike shuts down The Late Show and the Late Late Show, both produced by Letterman's World Wide Pants, he's paying employees of both shows through the end of the year. The entire staff. Even the people who make less than the lowest-paid writers and will never get a penny in residuals. You know, the ones who are getting totally fucked by the strike?

Well done, Letterman, you rock.

Project Runway is back, y'all!

Okay, so I totally forgot about it until a couple days ago, but I'm sort of excited. ish. I'm sure it'll be good. First episode's on and there's new designers, new models, new challenges, and new sponsors to bitch about.

New designers (I'm sure I'll learn their names eventually):

• Former Lingerie Designer Guy - Jebus, we're less than 10 minutes in and he's already crying. Maybe he should be Andre V2.0. Still, I kind of like that he made the first semi-racist joke for me.
• Fatty Arbuckle That's too easy. Given the following comments, I rename him: PR's Frank - He reminds me of interior designer Frank from Trading Spaces. For real. Like, TS Frank 20 years younger. I also half expected him to produce something super-hideous based on his crazy costume designer background, but I actually liked his dress.
• Chicago Museum of Science and Industry Guy - Hey, I recognize you from last year's casting special! That said, I have no memory of what he made & it's too early to check Bravo's website for pictures (show's still on).
• New Wave Hipster Guy - Seriously don't get the big love for his design, but whatever. He was mildly amusing to me.
• Right Said Fred Guy - Didn't hate his design, but all I really remember is the colour grey and some uneven jiggly boobs. Will not make a "too sexy" joke. Guess it was too sexy for a bra. Damnit, that's not even funny.
  
• Korean Girl - I kind of liked her dress. It was black and didn't look like ass. That's really all I want in a garment. Still, don't play up the "Asian Girl is an Overachiever" thing too much. Seriously, don't chink out or I'll have to commit some yellow-on-yellow hate crime.
• Hippie Marionette Woman - Goddamnit I hate her so fucking much. When she said marionette, I wanted her to get auf'ed. When she started getting all Vincent-from-last-season crazy/spacey/retarded, I wanted her killed. Seriously, though, think back to the kooky/unbalanced contestants of past (Lupe, Vincent). Not only were they insanely annoying, they produced shit-ass garments every challenge.
  
• (Possibly-but-I-really-hope-not Token) Black Woman - Those modeling pictures? Smoking hot. And, she seems nice unlike a certain other African American female former-model with a thing for 80's-inspired fashion PR contestant. Her garment was some sort of fug, though.
  
• Punk Rawk Grrl - I have no real reaction, because I actually kept confusing her with...
• Sweet P - Yeah, I actually remember her lame-ass name. Only because she's, like, 20 years too old for that shit. Her garment? Don't remember a single thing.
  
• Guy Who Makes Sure to Tell Us He's Hetero - He looks like Santino from season 2. No matter how good he may (or may not) be, he's already tainted.
• The Rest - There were some other contestants like, Woman With Side-Swept Bangs and Dark Brows, Guy Who Looks Like "Beauty" Guy from Beauty and the Geek, and Guy in a Hat. Seriously don't remember a damn thing other than that.
  

Okay seriously, why the fuck do the contestants act surprised when they're instantly given the first challenge? The first season, I understand. The second season, maybe some of them didn't see the show. These guys? If any of them don't know that they'll 1) probably have to use seriously sub-standard materials at some point; 2) have a retarded group challenge early on; or, 3) be given some big "surprise" twists that make a challenge harder should be cut. With a rusty butcher knife.

Models, this is a contest for you as well... Except, not so much. And, Heidi didn't say that yet. Given that the runway portion--you know, the part where we can see the actual garments--has been cut down significantly over the past three seasons, I don't get much from the models. Good walkers, bad walkers, bitches that are fierce, a "plus size" model thrown in for reasons that confound me (this isn't America's Next Top Model, damnit. You aren't trying to make some half-assed "point" about something). Who knows what the hell is out there. Remember season 1 when the models sort of had personalities? Ahh, good times.

Judges! Some people might miss having Tim Gunn on their TVs, but I feel like my life just isn't complete without Michael Kors. He's the alarmingly orange bitchy gay uncle I've always wanted.
Guest judge... um, your name is familiar, but that's all I've got.
Wait a sec, they're all orange. M-Kors, Heidi, Nina!Garcia, even Tim Gunn. What the fuck? Is carcinoma the new black?

Anyway, first episode's almost over. There'll be more on the outcome later. I have to re-watch to figure out who I like. I already know who I hate. And, more importantly, I know that I won't ever be buying from L'Oreal or Bluefly again because their commercials are so skull-fuckingly annoying.

Good vs Bad

Good:

• FreeRice.com - [Insert your own Asian joke at my expense here.] Done? Okay, good. Now that we've all had a good laugh, you should seriously check this site out. If you're anything like me, you're some sort of nerdy liberal bleeding heart and, thus, this site should appeal to you immensely. It's simple: You play a simple little vocabulary building game and for each answer you get right, 10 grains of rice are donated to the UN World Food Program. For free. Come on, put that high school education to use. Kill some time at work, make your AP English teacher proud, and help some starving people. Besides, there's always the potential for amusing stuff like this:

The correct answer is "Mirror". Who knew.



• Pac Gentleman - A steampunk version of the classic Pac Man arcade game. I read the post about this on Geekologie at work, and it cracked me the hell up. While I'm not a huge Pac Man fan, I do love a ghost with a bushy handlebar mustache. If Pac GentleMan had a pair of mutton-chop sideburns to go with the bowler hat, I'd be headed off to Santa Cruz to try and steal that thing.

• William Shatner & James Spader on Boston Legal - I'm not entirely sure how this show ended up on my Netflix cue, but I've found it surprisingly enjoyable. I'm about to start the third season, and while my interest began to wane around the middle of the second, I will gladly return to watch the love story between Captain Kirk and James Spader play out. You just know they're dying to settle down in a marriage that may or may not still be legal in the state of Massachusetts.
  



• Red Lipstick- My makeup inventory--Yes, I keep an inventory in Excel. Shut up.--indicates that I have 34 different red lipcolours. It's 34 out of approximately 178, so I'm not sure if it's a significant percentage. At any rate, I've decided to wear a different one every day and write a quick review, which may some day be used as blog fodder. I'm 8 days in and haven't had any duds yet.
  

Bad:

• Top 40 Radio - I'm not sure if that's what it's actually called these days--Jebus, I'm getting old--but, it's what they play at work. All day long. 8.5 hours straight. Fregie. Gwen Stefani. American Idol contestants. All make me want to drive a pen through my skull. The most grating, however, is that Colbie Caillat song, "Bubbly". They play it an average of once an hour, and every time I want to punch the radio. If I didn't have to hear that insipid crap so goddamn much it wouldn't inspire this level of rage. I blame radio for playing it constantly just as much as I blame her for sucking so hard.



• Heroes - JebusBuddahAllah, this show is moving slowly. I know it's only the sixth episode, and I'm sure last season was moving at roughly the same pace, but damn. At least last season I was interested in the characters and it felt like they were actually moving toward some end. This time I can barely force myself to pay attention. Hiro's in 17th century Japan; Peter's in Ireland with amnesia; Parkman and Mohinder are settling down to start a family; Claire's family is hiding out in Southern California; Sylar's back; and there are a whole bunch of new heroes. So much shit could be going down, but any progression is occurring at a monumentally slow pace. Maybe this is my problem, but I don't watch a show about fucking superheroes to see things that are neither super or heroic.

• Daylight Savings Time - I drove to work in bright-as-hell sunlight and drove home in the dark. This sucks. There are way more pedestrians and bicycles to potentially hit at 5:30 pm than there are at 7:00 am. Fuck the farmers, I don't want to accidentally commit vehicular manslaughter.