Happy Birthday!

Because tomorrow is what some people believe to be the birthday of their lord, here are some of my favourite Jebus-related pictures I've taken.

• First off, this flyer from some Jehovah's Witnesses advertising a convention they were having:

My co-workers agree that he looks like George Michael circa Freedom-90 here. Check it.

From the back of that same flyer, a photo from the "Full-Costume Bible Drama based on Colossians 3:12" to be performed at the conference. I'm guessing the guy on the left is Jebus.

• I must have some sort of Jesus Sense, because I spotted this one in the window of a junk store from across the street.

It's even more Jesus-as-George-Michael goodness, but this time, it's Wham-era George Michael. I guess this explains the "Choose Life" t-shirts.

• Sadly, I don't have a picture of the Jebus license plated car, but I do have this:

Not as good, but this is one of the less crazy Jesus-themed things I've seen on people's cars.

• For instance, this is a van I saw while stuck in traffic on the Kennedy expressway in Illinois.There's something about the aggressiveness of it that makes it seem even crazier than the Jesus Car. Also, it seems to be part of a fleet of 6 (or more).
  

• Contrast that with the tasteful little Jesus Fish this guy's sporting.

I think it says "I love Jebus, but I'm not gonna get all in your face about it."

• Then, of course, there are these guys who will get all in your face about it. If I recall correctly, the questions were:

1. Do you think you're going to heaven? Yes or No.
and
2. Why? (and there were a series of options to check off as well as an "other" with a fill in the blank).

I do remember clearly that the guy at the booth didn't take kindly to my answers of "No" and "Because it doesn't exist".

• What better way to show your love for Jesus than with a brightly coloured, possibly scented candle?

I seriously want one of the psychedelic Virgin Mary candles for my house.

While they're only $1.09, you can be assured that your Jebus candle is the best candle.

• Finally, what would a tribute to Jebus be without fresh new pictures of the Jesus Car?

I was trapped behind this guy while he drove 15 mph down a 35 mph street. And, while taking a series of pictures, I damn near rear ended him.

I snapped this one when I was finally able to pass him. If you look at the full-sized image, you can see the "dead baby" doll attached to his car in the upper left corner.

In closing, Happy Birthday Jebus! Thank you for the hours of entertainment your followers have provided me.

Oh My Gawd, Y'all!

I can't fucking believe it.

On the internets, there was a poorly shot bootleg of the extended first-six-minutes-of-the-movie-containing trailer for the upcoming Batman sequel. And I actually saw it before it got pulled.

I'm seriously unamused by their whole faux-viral marketing scheme, but actually getting to see a snippet of the film has me totally excited. While totally devoid of Christian Bale, I'm sort of sold on Heath Ledger as the Joker. He's actually crazy and scary; not just Jack Nicholson in clown makeup.

The clip is now long-gone and the film doesn't come out until July (in fucking IMAX), but I do have other Batman-related clips to post:

BATMAN The Dark Knight !
Uploaded by He4veN

Notes from the Laundromat

While I was doing a massive amount of laundry the other day, I was forced to listen to whatever crap happened to be playing on the TV at the laundromat-cum-tanning salon that I sometimes go to. (Note: I go for the laundry, not the tanning.) While I was tempted to sit in my car and listen to the [shudder] radio, that would've been totally wasteful. Plus, I need to watch the dryers and make sure that my stuff is drying properly.

Don't judge me.

Anyway, being forced to overhear conversations and the shit on TV taught me some things:

• In A Beautiful Mind, Russell Crowe sounds a lot like Foghorn Leghorn. Like, exactly.
  


• I fucking hate A Beautiful Mind and all its schmaltzy bullshit so much. Arrested Development is the only thing that keeps me from wanting to punch Ron Howard in the face. Well, Arrested and his appearances on The Simpsons. Ahh, Opie, you belong on TV.
  


• Children are terrible, but stupid non-disciplining parents who'd rather have an endless phone conversation about the price of parking are worse. Gawddamnit, lady, either leave the kid at home or make it stop running around and playing with the washer doors.


• The movie P.S. I Love You looks like another horrible, insulting, vaguely misogynistic "romantic comedy", and it makes me rage uncontrollably. My mother's going to love it, and tell me all about how much she loved it. And then "joke" about marrying me off. I hate you, chick movies.
  


• Once you mis-hear P.S. I Love You as "Penis, I Love You", you can never un-hear it.


• Some people are just total douchebags. Case in point: When some women handing out free Red Bull came around, this a-hole bitched about them not having sugar free and then gave them a "[loud dramatic sigh] I guess I'll take one." You son of a bitch, they're offering you free Red Bull. Take it or don't take it, but don't act like a colossal bastard.
  


• Beyonce singing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" is the second-most hideous thing a person could be forced to hear. The second or third time that ad came on, I briefly made eye contact with some guy who looked just as terrified/nauseated as I felt. Looks like Armani cosmetics is going on my "Do Not Buy" list. Damnit, I really wanted to try the shaping foundation.
  


• Meg Ryan shrilly whining about her finance and her hate of the French is the first most hideous thing that a person could ever be forced to hear. I'm tempted to learn just what that movie was so I can track down the people responsible and go all Patrick Bateman on them. I suppose I should just take comfort in the fact that Meg Ryan and her hideous plastic surgery is no longer making movies.
  

What have I learned from all this? Do laundry at my building, so I can play Katamari during the dryer cycle. And, don't let the laundry build up so much that you need the giant load washers to get everything done in a reasonable amount of time. Also, that most people are horrible. Unless it's Ron Howard on a TV comedy airing on Fox.

I just hope he sings "Everything I Do"

So, I just read that Will Arnett (a.k.a. Mr. Amy Poehler, a.k.a. GOB Bluth) will be the voice of KITT in the upcoming (what the fucking fuck?) Knight Rider remake/movie thing.

While I think this is a terrible idea and the network is grossly overestimating the public's desire to see remakes of campy TV shows, I'm completely amused.

I seriously hope that they just recycle lines from Arrested Development. It would be perfect; KITT was a smart-ass car that talked to a guy named Michael, GOB was a smart-ass magician illusionist that talked to his brother, Michael. There are so many fantastic lines to use.

While I don't think they would make this crap-fest great, I think it couldn't hurt to include the following:

GOB singing Everything I Do

His recurring "Come on!"

The classic, "It's an 'illusion', Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money."

And, of course, Franklin.

It's just unfortunate that you can't really have a car do a crazy chicken dance.

Project Runway: Week 5

The choice was: Watch a new Project Runway or a South Park rerun. South Park was tempting, but the whole "Cartman is desperate to make Stan suck his balls" b-story was just creepy. So, Project Runway it is!

Sweet P called eliminated Chris "delightful". Ha! I love that word.

Model Time! But these aren't models. Praise Xenu they didn't use family members again. Of course, now there's the chance that a woman who lost a shit-load of weight will be made to feel fat because she's not super-skinny. Please don't go there, PR.

Christian's already starting in the interview. It's not aggressively mean, but if anyone makes a "model" cry, my money's on him.

Steve gets wedding dress lady. Wait. That 80's overdone wedding dress was her favourite outfit?

Awww, Sweet P is last again. Her button must be stuck to the bottom of the bag.

So, the challenge is to design an outfit for a randomly assigned model using her former favourite outfit. Actually, this is an awesome amalgamation of former challenges (Clothes off your back in season 2, Family member fiasco in season 3, possibly something else I'm not remembering).

Off to the work room for model talking time!

So much Chris love. He barely existed before this. Wonder if they're setting us up for something. Hmm? Something related to the imminent departure of Jack that was all-but announced last week, maybe?

All these bitches seem pretty respectful to their models.

Christian's black-wearing, colour-and-print-hating model sounds like me. Did I black out and wind up on PR? No, she doesn't appear to be some sort of Asian.

It's fabric shopping time!

Oh, Steve, you are so screwed. If you don't use that dress they're going to kill you. Don't just use it as trim, damnit.

Back to the work room, and Jack is leaving. I'm strangely unmoved. He really didn't make much of an impression on me, and the interviews are probably post-treatment, so he's not dead. The designers? Are sad about it. Not to be totally insensitive, but this episode has spent a lot of time dealing with the designers' feelings. Quit moping and get to designing, bitches!

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Is The Real Housewives of Orange County like a middle-aged Hills? I haven't watched either show, but the rage I feel when I see the ads is the same.

Back to the show. In the workroom, Ricky is trying on the outfit he's making. Including the heels. Hee. Wait, is that a navel ring? Ew!

And Chris is back. So not shocked at all. But really? They didn't bring someone back when Keith left last season. Whateva, I'm over it.

Workroom working with models and shit. And we get to see clothes! Woo!

Christian did a poufy sleeve? Shocker. Still, the pleating on the front of that top is sort of working for me.

Did Steven dye his dress black? No, he just hasn't used any part of it yet. Jebus.

Tim Gunn is here, and is he mocking Christian? I choose to believe he is. Ha.

Okay, so Steve is just using that big-ass dress to make a collar and cuffs? It was nice to meet you, Steven, I'll be so sorry to see you go.

And Chris is talking sailor suits. If Laura Bennett couldn't make a sailor suit work, you sure as fuck can't. Gawd, don't these people watch past seasons?

Jillian is talking about her garment and I have no idea what she's saying, but I can't help but focus on her dictation. Jeff at Television Without Pity commented on it, but I totally didn't notice until now. It's sort of creepy.

Christian is talking shit about the other designs. He's not wrong about Steve, Chris, and Elisa making some fug-ass shit, but he used that "judges might die over/die because of" line before. It wasn't that clever to start with, and it definitely loses its sting the second time around.

Ricky's crying! Drink.
Crying in the interview, and then in the workroom! Drink again!

OMG! It's time to head out and Steve's not ready, but they're all such super-nice people that they're helping him. I'm inexplicably reminded of Steve's Titanic comment a few weeks ago.

Poll time: Who would you want to come back? Laura Bennett!

It's time for a fashion show! With our guest judge Patrick Robinson from the Gap. I guess this works. The Gap is clothes for normal people, and they're doing clothes for normal women. We'll see how this goes. He may just be bowled over by the unstoppable quipping, bronzing force that is TopAmericanDesignerMichaelKors and NinaGarciaFromElleMagazine.

Sweet P has a whole lot of olive/khaki fabric. Olive green plus orange skin is never good, but that dress is pretty cute.

Jillian apparently bought all new fabric to make the dress. I wonder how this will pan out. It's a super-cute halter dress that looks amazingly well-made and the black stripe detail is nice.

Ricky did a cute outfit with a sleeveless empire-waisted-ish flowy top and a pair of denim capris. It's cute, but I feel like the top is a little unflattering on her. The proportions seems to make her look way pear-shaped, but it could just be the terrible camera angles and the fact that I didn't get to see it for more than 5 seconds.

Chris's isn't a sailor outfit, thank buddha. But that top, the fit, my eyes! Gah.

I have to admit that I love Christian's outfit, poufy sleeves and all. The detailing on the shirt won me over. I would wear that shit.

And now we have Victorya's green velvet dress. It's pretty meh, and the lighting is so bad that I can't pick out any details.

Elisa's look has a top with a weird hem, and they don't show much of the fucking dress. I have no idea what's going on there.

Kit did a super-cute dress. I like how she used the original fabric as an under-layer on the skirt.

Kevin's strapless top looks really well tailored, but I've already decided that I love Christian's design. Plus leggings. Barf.

Steven's dress is so boxy and just yarg. He's so leaving this week.

Rami's dress had a great halter top and a really well-tailored skirt.

Kevin, Elisa, Jillian, Steve, Christian, and Chris get called out. At least this means I get to check out the fuggery. Elisa's dress has some weird layering going on. Unflattering. Steve's looks cheap and totally matronly. I have no idea if it's at all well-tailored and I know I loved Jack's square neckline last week, but this is just hideous.

Poll result: The people have chosen Daniel Vosovic. The people don't know shit.

And we're back with results. Christian wins, and I'm strangely pleased. Yes, he still sucks, but that design was kickass. To nobody's surprise, Steve is auf'ed. Goodbye, Steve, the next time I'm at the Museum of Science and Industry, I'll think of you. Then I'll go looking for the baby chickens that may or may not be there. Ricky, it looks like you're my favourite.

Next Week: It looks like they're making stuff out of garbage again. I'm sure there's a twist to it, and they're using, like, street vendor wrappers or something.

Project Runway: Week 4 Delayed Reaction

So, I wasn't going to write anything and then when I was at the gym last night I was thinking about the "collections" and trying to figure out just why Team Jillian won (besides the fact that everyone else produced pure unadulterated fug), and I decided to write something.


This week’s challenge? Design a collection using fashion trends of the past.

I hate team challenges so much. Maybe it’s because I've never been much of a team player, but mostly it's because the judging seems so fucked up and leader-centric. When a “team” wins, credit goes to the leader, even if it’s an undeserved win by a shit-ass designer who lucked out picking teammates (see, Season 3 Macy’s Challenge, with Angela, Mychael, and Laura). Alternately, a decent designer could get auf’ed for getting stuck with a crappy team and get bounced for someone else's shitty construction skills. Plus, this show has demonstrated over and over that if a team leader actually acts like the leader and takes some responsibility for what went wrong, they're auf'ed. When the teams were nominating their leaders, all I could think was, “Dude, sucks to be you.”


Now for the collections:


I thought I might like Team Jillian’s collection now, but I still sort of hate it. Also, it seems that the trends were Overalls, Poodle Skirts, and 70’s Flare (not denim). This doesn’t change anything, but it does make me wonder, “Why all the fucking denim?” and also, “Oh, 70’s flare. Right.”, which doesn’t really make any sense.

Anyway, looking over stills of the collections, it’s clear that this one had to win, if only for it’s cohesiveness. In addition to the denim, there were similar silhouettes (see the necklines on Jillian’s piece and Rami’s dress) and there were common details like the buttons on Jillian’s piece and Kevin’s shorts and the fabric from Kevin’s top being used as trim in Rami’s dress.

Plus, the interpretation of trends wasn’t totally literal. Jillian’s piece looks like a wide-legged jumpsuit my mother owned in the 70’s (it was sleeveless purple polyester with a ruffled v-neck), but the denim is evocative of overalls. Rami’s dress isn’t really a poodle skirt, but the volume is reminiscent of one. I’m not really sure what’s going on with Kevin’s look. Maybe the fabric in the top or the high-waistedness of the shorts is supposed to be 70’s. I do like that the belt/waistband detailing is like the hook things on a pair of overalls.


It turns out that Team Christian had Zoot Suit, Fringe, and Pleather. Looking at the pictures, I have no fucking clue where those things come in to play. From what I understand, Zoot Suits tended to be sort of broad-shouldered affairs that were done up in bright-ish colours. I guess the pinstripe fabric, pencil skirts, and the vest on Christian’s look were evocative of suits, but still.

Looking back over this one, though, I like Kit’s outfit more than I originally did. I’m a sucker for a black & white outfit, the contrasting prints actually work together, and the cap sleeves are a nice detail. The jacket on Christian’s outfit looks like a cardigan and it just doesn’t work with the puffy top. Jack’s dress still make me cringe for all the same reasons it did originally (leggings, shapeless, crazy Vincent-esque pockets, whickety-whack trim), but I do like the neckline on it.


Seeing Team Chris’s collection makes me wonder just what the hell went on there. They don’t look like they belong together at all. Steven’s especially stands out, but Chris and Sweet P’s pieces look like they just happened to be made in the same colour.

My original assessment stands. Chris’s bolero was fug, Steven’s outfit was meh (and sort of looked like he basically copied the picture he was given), and Sweet P’s dress looked great in comparison.

The obvious downfall was the original decision to design their own pieces using their own trends and just do them in the same fabric. What made Team Jillian's collection successful was that they seemed to incorporate elements from each other’s work.


For all the sturm und drang, Team Rick-torya put out the worst collection. The pieces were just as disconnected as they were for Team Chris, but they didn’t even seem to include two of the required trends. And, that’s if you accept the pink and yellow detailing on the pieces as “neon”.

Seriously, it’s a set of three satin mini-dresses that look like they were pulled from the clearance rack at an “everything’s $10” store in one of those depressing strip malls that also houses a dollar store and an on-the-verge-of-closing Walgreens. At least Team Chris managed to put out pieces that looked well-made.

Considering that Ricky is a former lingerie designer, a fact that has been mentioned multiple times and is probably on his little title card thing they show, you’d think that there would be something that looked like underwear. His dress in the first competition would’ve worked better for this than anything that actually got made here. Plus, cut outs? Anywhere? I think a keyhole top would’ve sufficed. I suppose the one thing that didn’t make me want to projectile vomit was the fact that Victorya did own up to getting construction help from Ricky.


This episode was so full of faux drama that I didn't bother to rewatch. It's clear that in terms of their technical abilities, this is probably the best group of contestants, but the episodes have been painfully uninteresting. What initially drew me in to the show was watching people designing great (ant not-so-great) clothes, not watching people act like douchebags.
There's nothing else on TV right now, and I still have to force myself to watch this show. Come on, Project Runway people, do something other than annoy me.


NextWeek (okay, tomorrow): Some stuff is going to happen. Let's see if I can pretend to give a shit.

Project Runway: Week 4

Last Week: Jack "Pretty Boy" won, Carmen "Former Model" got auf'ed, and I didn't bother re-watching because I just didn't' care that much.

This Week: I think I know these people's names. Which is good, because I can't really remember the stupid nicknames I made up. Also, group challenge!

But first, damn, Heidi looks orange in the credits. I don't think I've watched them this season. Jebus cripes. woman, what the hell did they do to you? You look totally normal in the Victoria Secret fashion show pictures from last month.

Also, there's credits over my first two minutes of show. Weird.

The models are back, and they have names. I don't remember any of those names, but two were vaguely Eastern European-sounding. Jack swaps models, and "New!Andrae" Ricky gets pissy about it. For real? It's, like, the third challenge with them. You can't be too attached to those bitches.

Off to the workroom for one of PR's patented "big reveals that aren't really that big, and sort of disappointing if they haven't already been some how spoiled". Before said reveal, I notice that "Hippie Lady" Elisa is wearing what look like giant handbag-shaped earrings. I think I want them.

The super-special guest is fashiondirectorforEllemagazine Nina Garcia. I love Nina, but big fucking deal. And, it's all "blah, blah, past fashion trends and shit".
So, the challenge this week is: Pick a hideous fashion trend of the past, get together with two other designers and their trends, and design a collection that incorporates all three. There's shit like cut outs, underwear as outer wear, all-denim. At first I thought they were all 80's trends, but poodle skirts and zoot suits were included, so I'm not sure. I wish leggings or at least legging with skirt were included, because they're just as bad as neon or all-denim.

Shockingly, Christian the New Wave Boy goes for the zoot suit. I thought he would've jumped at shoulder pads.

Now is the time on PR when we shop!
Christian, team star? Really? You're all fierce? Jebus. You suck so hard. Seriously, lady, you're like some sort of Paris-Hilton-idolizing, TMZ-reading, 12-year-old girl in a 21-year-old faux hipster douchebag's body. Hate you so much.

Steven of the Chicago Museum's nonchalant relay of Chris's "looks like my grandmother's goddamn couch" comment somehow made him my favourite.

Back to work, bitches!
Gotta say, Ricky's dealing with Elisa was awesome. He wasn't condescending or assy to her, and his explanation of working with hippie dance instructors was totally amusing.

Last week there was singing. This week a Tim-pression. Please stop. You people aren't Santino. Don't remind me of him.

Mid-challenge model fitting! Did they do this in the past? If not, I hope it's a permanent thing for the season. It could definitely help the better designers, and filter out the ones who just can't tailor or construct a garment to save their lives. Not really getting a good look at the clothes yet. Team Chris/Steven/Sweet P doesn't look hideous, but it's not all that interesting. Team Ricky/Victorya/Elisa looks seriously cheap. I guess shiny neon fabric does that.

I hate all the team challenge drama. So uninteresting. The only one not included was Team Christian/Jack/Kit, so they're probably not going to win or lose this one.

If Steven wasn't my favourite, Ricky would be for his, "I don't think smashing her boobs is 'polished'" comment.

It's Runway Time!
Team Jillian/Kevin/Rami had overalls, all-denim, and poodle skirts. Jillian's overalls are fug by virtue of the fact that they're fucking overalls. On Kevin's outfit, all I see is the froufrou neck cowl. Rami's dress is actually sort of cute.

Team Chris/Steven/Sweet P had shoulder pads, dance wear, and oversized sweaters. The dress that Chris did was nice, but that jacket was all sorts of ugly. Leaving it off was totally not an option, though, because his trend was shoulder pads. Steven's outfit was totally meh. The satiny wrap top said "I'm a wrap top" and the leggings attempted to claw my eyes out with their hideousness. I'm not sure if I actually like it, or it just stands out compared to the other two, but Sweet P's sweater dress was pretty cute. It would be ghastly on someone over 100lbs, but it looked great on her model.

Team Christian/Jack/Kit was zoot suit, somethign else, and something else. Seriously, between my contempt for Christian and my suspicion that they were just "in", I didn't pay that much attention. I do know that I hate Jack's dress with a firey passion. It was a shapeless sac with some sort of crazy trim, and it was worn over leggings. I think I'm going to puke.

Team Ricky/Victorya/Elisa had neon, underwear as outer wear, and cut outs. Like I said before the shiny neon fabric made everything look super cheap. Ricky's dress looked like it had a terrible fit up top. Elisa's looks oddly-proportioned and the triangle business draws me back to the cheap thing. Victorya's is just... yarg.

Huh, Team Jillian won. I guess I can see that.
See, Team Christian is "in" and can leave the runway.

I fucking hate the "who should go" question, because it's so obviously meant to start shit. At least everyone was pretty straightforward this time. They must've gotten all cried out on Week 2.

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I feel like I should, but I just can't see Sweeney Todd. It's a musical, an old one that's been on Broadway and shit. Can't do it. Even if it is about someone selling meat pies made from humans. And it has Johnny Depp. And Ali G. And is directed by Tim Burton. Not gonna do it.

And we're back.
Steve and Ricky are safe to battle it out for my favourite. Chris is auf'ed. Given that he was sort of a non-entity until this episode, is anyone surprised?

Next Week:
Shenanigans with the models, the judges make bitchy comments, there's something up with Jack. My prediction: Plus-sized models. You know, size 6 fatties.

Project Runway: Week 3

Menswear. Called it.

I came in to the show about 10 minutes late, because I dropped a hammer on my foot and then I started making pig- and cow-shaped rice balls during the show.

Anyway, when I came in they were leaving some guy I recognize as a football player. I'm guessing they have to make an outfit for him.

Why the fuck does everyone decide they have to make a suit? If you've never done menswear before, why do something so challenging?

Pretty Boy is taking apart his pants to use as a pattern. Remember last year when Vincent just traced his intact pants as a template? This is way better. In fact, taking apart the pants and using the actual pieces seems like it would facilitate decent construction.

Awww, Right Said Fred thinks he's too sexy to use Pretty Boy's pattern.

Chicago Museum Guy, what makes you call that a pimp hat? It's black and there's not even a giant peacock feather.

Damn, my toe hurts like a sonofabitch. If I lose a toe nail I will be totally pissed. And grossed out. Ahh, single serving homemade mac & cheese, you are my icy cold saviour.

Anyone else really want to see Juno? I'd been indifferent before, but the trailers are selling me. She said "Shenanigans"! Besides, if you don't like Michael Cera, you clearly have no soul.

Awww, even Tim Gunn is excited for male models.

Hey, Straight Guy, way to remind us you're hetero. I might have forgotten.

Ah, Hippie Lady, I'd forgotten about you and your weirdo hippie vibes until now. I'm guessing this means you won't be in the top or bottom two this week.

New Wave Boy says Asians are fierce? What the fucking fuck does that mean? Seriously, though, yeah. We're totally fierce.

Oh, designers, why you gotta tell people you're making a million pieces that haven't been made yet? You know that shit's going to come up when they don't get made. Why you gotta be so stupid, stupids?

Members Only jacket? Asian Woman Married to Tiki Barber, I love you. Also, my original assessment of Former Model as someone with a thing for 80's "fashion" (a la Zulema) was totally right.

I'm so disappointed that New!Andrae hasn't cried yet. It seems like he should've been in tears for the entire episode.

Chicago Museum Guy, I'm not sure if you're long for this show, but you've won me over with your low-level snark. For lack of any others, I'm now considering you my favourite.

New!Andrae is having his model sew buttons for him? I'm almost positive that something like this happened before. I'm thinking it was Daniel Franco-related, but I honestly can't remember.

Woah, the sleeve-shoulder area of Sweet P's shirt is seriously jacked up.

Ad Watch:
That ad for Macy's with all the celebretards pitching their crap makes me rage. If it wasn't the only place in town to buy Lush, I'd never set foot in there again. As it stands, I go there to buy Lush and Frango Mints.

Fashion Show!

• That Woman's garment is boring, but it's finished.
• I don't know if Former Model actually tweaked her design, but it's totally Members Only. She should've accessorized with a pair of Blue Blockers.
• New Wave Boy says his design is the only unique one? Woo. Detail on the pockets and a weird zippered neckline. Way to push the envelope.
• Not Sweet P has a navy jacket and white shirt. Meh.
• Right Said Fred went too casual. He thinks it's "hip". Yeah, I'm sure my dad had similar thoughts when he got a similar jacket a couple years ago.
• In the work room, they focused on the jacked up sleeve on Sweet P's shirt, but here the crazy-ass collar definitely detracts from it.
• The pants on Chicago Museum Guy's model look weird in a way I can't fully understand. Either the crotch is halfway down his thigh or he's seriously long-torsoed and they're proportioned to his weird-ass body. Still, I think I like the sweater.
  
• Korean Girl has a white jacket. At least she can admit it's pretty undrewhelming.
• Straight Guy, did you watch Season 2? That outfit is totally a retread of the one Chloe made for Nick. Seriously. Just imagine it in pink. Still, it looks really well-made.
• PR!Dave has some sort of all-black ensemble. I'm not sure what's going on aside from what might be a zipper.
• Pretty Boy has a shirt and pants. With stripes. Um, that's all I got.
• Hippie Lady's outfit doesn't look bad. Except for the Han Solo vest. What's the deal with that?

Maybe it's just me, but the runway footage seemed especially shitty this week. It seemed like you got 1 second of actual clothes and the rest was judge/designer reaction shots. How can you pick out details or construction flaws like this? I don't care if NinaGarcia looks pissed, I just want to see the clothes.

I seriously don't care who wins or loses this one. I'm pretty indifferent to these people. I'm going back to my rice balls and hunting down some aspirin that wasn't bought at the dollar store.

Next Week: Looks like another group/pair challenge. Hopefully I'll still have my toenail.

Project Runway: Week 2 Delayed Reaction

So, Pajiba recently had a discussion in the comment section of their daily rundown about "Skank Cancer". This epithet refers to Katherine Heigl, but the concept is:

"Celebrities who violently rub you the wrong way for inexplicable reasons, whose simple presence sends you scurrying for the remote and, lacking that, a straight razor."

What does this have to do with this week's Project Runway? Well, upon rewatching the episode, I realized the Sarah Jessica Parker is my Skank Cancer. I'm sure she's very nice--every interview I've seen seems to indicate so--and her work is generally off my radar, but there's just something about her.
I just don't know. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard, and I'd rather take a broken glass enema than watch her do anything. Gah.

Anyway. Last week's episode: Korean Girl won, Hippie Lady spit on her dress and still made it into the top 2, New!Andrae got screwed, and Marion got auf'ed.
That reminds me: I thought Heidi was totally cute on How I Met Your Mother tonight. "Oooh, little hamburgers. I love little hamburgers." That's totally going to make me laugh for the next couple days.

So, the show was all, "blah!blah!blah! SarahJessicaParker. Blah!blah! partners". And, I'm all, "whateva, cancel Tim Gunn's Guide to Style, and bring back Tim's PR blog." As much as I love Nina, she doesn't have the same insight into the whole designers designing thing that Tim did.

• Right Said Fred worked with That Woman, not Pretty Boy, as I originally remembered. Partner aside, it doesn't change that the outfit was super assy. Leggings, oversized shirt belted, wide headband. It's like last year and the 80's had some sort of bastard baby that puked in a fountain pen and designed that outfit.



• I remember the dress made by Korean Girl and Straight Guy as being somehow better. Seeing the online picture, it's kind of yarg. The short-ish hem and the volume make it look like it has the potential to be seriously unflattering. And the tiny vest isn't really helping things.

• The outfit by Hippie Lady and Sweet P seriously looks like a figure skating dress. I had to look up pictures on a couple different websites, but from certain angles it reads figure skater. I think it's the shortness and the long, voluminous sleeves. Just look at it. I will admit that it's not as terrible as I originally thought, and my hate for Hippie Lady amps up the hate exponentially. Come on, there's a goddamn cape. That's just yuck.



• The dress/jacket combo by New Wave Boy and the Former Model is ugly in a way that I can't quite articulate. The colour, the cut of the jacket, the orange of his model's face (it's a totally different shade that the rest of her fucking body!). It's just grossing me out.



• For all of the drama over whether Chicago Museum Guy would finish the oh-so-detailed skirt, I have no idea what the hell it actually looked like. Marion's hideous fringed woolly poncho completely overshadowed it. Strangely, I don't loathe it as much as some others. Dont' get me wrong, it's hideous. I don't think a different fabric or a sleeker cut would've fixed anything. It certainly isn't helped by this comparison:
  Yeah, it's like Wendy Pepper interpreted by a semi-competent designer. Really, if I didn't have Hippie Lady to take the brunt of my loathing, Marion would've been the one I voted most likely to get auf'ed immediately. Between last week's entry and this monstrosity, it would really be for the best.



• All I could remember about the outfit from Not!Sweet P and PR!Dave was leggings. Then I looked up a picture and saw that it was a sweatshirt with pockets. And they accessorized with a beret. Um, outfit aside, am I the only one who still thinks Lewinsky at the sight of a beret? Yes? No? Whatevs. The top is something I would at least try on at H&M, but then I'd wear it with a pair of pants. Leggings. Are. Not. Pants. Damnit! These issues aside, it's not terrible. Just boring as hell.
  



• The only reason I can think of for why New!Andrae and Pretty Boy's dress wasn't in the top two was that the challenge specified a two piece look, and the belt didn't count as a second piece. The colour is great, the cut would be more universally flattering than Korean Girl's smock, and it would probably be easy to mass produce. Even if it was somehow ineligible for the win, I still call shenanigans. It could've easily edged out either of the top two.
  

Edit to mention that some of these pictures were borrowed from Project RunGay. Read it. Love it.

Hello, sassy consumer!

I'm seriously exhausted from yesterday's Black Friday shopping. I was only out for about 5 hours, but today my non-existent biceps are aching. My plan for today was to hang out and not do a damn thing, but now I'm considering heading out to Best Buy to pick up a copy of The Simpsons Game.

I'm torn. On the one hand, it's Mr. Sparkle! On the other, the remaining trailers indicate a distinct lack of Professor Frink. Hmmm.

I'll buy it eventually, but today I'll be at home icing down my forearms.

Project Runway: Week 2

While watching this week's episode, I took notes. Not quite live blogging, but something not unlike it.

First off, Heidi's looking less orange than last week. Since this is actually filmed right after the last runway show, it must've been due to the gold lame dress she was wearing last time.

Anyway, model time. They all have names, but I'm not going to learn any just yet. New!Andrae, stop acting like you're creating drama by switching models. No one cares until they're all bonded with their models and you try to steal someone's muse.
I sort of noticed this on the rewatch of last week's ep, but Chicago Museum Guy's model sort of looks like Season 3's Laura Bennett. Like, for real. It's not just because of the hair.

The challenge has to do with a "fashion icon". This never goes well. I don't even care who it is, except it's Sarah Jessica Parker, which... ew. Is she wearing leggings? She is. Double ew. I object to her alleged "fashion icon" status, given that it came from her TV show's costumer dressing her in some gag-tastic outfits that were occasionally less fug.
So, she's here to pimp her "clothing line", which was produced for a chain of stores whose shtick is, apparently, nothing over $20. As a result, her "line"'s initial release was pretty much panned by fashion professionals and consumers for looking like sub-Walmart crap.
Clearly, this competition is a trick. The designers want to win in order to get immunity, but winning could require them to make a garment that fits in with her collection of shitastic, poorly-fitted, polyester crap. Considering that, and the fact that the "leaders" are regularly punished in team challenges, the smart choice would be to throw the pitch competition. If you're a kick ass partner, no matter how hideous the final garment is, you're totally safe.

Now to the part where they work. Well, first they go through a pitch session with SJP. I remember very little of the actual pitches, but the thing that stands out is that most of the men did really beautiful colour sketches, while the women tended towards plain black & white.
And, Jebus tapdancing Christ, when Hippie Lady talks I want to punch my TV. I don't even know what she's saying but I want her to stop. Her sketch looks like a giant rain poncho or something. Gag.
Are jackets with leg-o'-mutton sleeves the only thing that New Wave Boy can do? So totally fug.
PR!Frank, your SJP worship is, like uber-creepy. Besides that, your constant crying paired with your status as this season's fatty makes me think you're actually to PR4 as Dave was to Top Chef Season 1. I may have to rename you PR!Dave.
Awww, SJP, don't look so put out that Straight Guy didn't shake your hand. I wouldn't even want to have to be in the same room with you.
Designers are selected, teams created, Hat Guy's name is Marion. Huh.

This week's lame-ass poll is "Whose fashion eye do you trust the most?" I'm inclined to go with M-Kors, if only because our respective black-on-black wardrobes are similar. I assume Tim will come out the winner, though.

Ad watch, or companies I will never buy from again because I hate their commercials:

• Bluefly.com for those naked woman commercials. I'm not opposed to naked women, but I think another company already annoyed me with these ads a couple years ago.
• L'Oreal for the ads with Beyonce. I also closed my AmEx account because they had ads with her useless ass.

Runway time!

• Not!Sweet P with PR!Dave - Big sweatshirt and leggings. It looks like something a broke college student would be forced to wear on laundry day. It also totally looks like it belongs with the SJP collection.
• Hippie Woman with Sweet P - Meh. I hate the colour (something about it screams "cheap" for some reason), plus capes are just renamed ponchos. Accept it. What the hell kind of wack-job spits on clothes, and then admits to it on the runway? Urge to kill rising...
• Right Said Fred with Pretty Boy - Yarg. Leggings. Again, it would probably fit in with the fug-ass collection.
• Marion with Chicago Museum Guy - It's reminiscent of Wendy Pepper's "Future Challenge" dress from Season 1. You know, the one with the recycled knit and the hideous falling-off fringe that Not!Ninagarcia said looked like something her cat puked up.
• New Wave Boy with Former Model - Gah, that colour again. That dress just looks cheap. Plus, the jacket? Gross.
• New!Andrae with That Woman - I'm surprised at how much I liked his dress. The colour was great, the ruffles around the neckline weren't as frilly as I feared, and the woven leather belt was an awesome touch.
• Korean Girl with Straight Guy - Cute again. I can't resist a black dress. The vest is actually pretty cute, and I like the bow detail on the neck. Would it fit in with the collection? Of course not, it doesn't look like sweatshop-produced ass. There's an inappropriate Asian joke in there, but it's just not coming to me.
Definitely deserved to win, but totally inappropriate for that line. I have no doubt that they'll fuck it up and make it look super-assy.

I probably should've guessed that Marion would be auf'ed when I learned his actual name. I was grossed out that Hippie Lady was in the top 2, but maybe next week I'll learn her name and she'll get the boot.

Next week I'm guessing the challenge is Menswear.

Project Runway: Week 1 Delayed Reaction

I'm seriously meh on Project Runway this season. I'm not sure if it's the show or my newfound lack of interest in TV. I'll see if I can manage to make it to week 3, unlike some other shows I started watching this season.

Anyway.

I planned on revisiting the first show after a few days for a delayed-reaction review, aided by Bravo's stills and possibly the blogs. I totally didn't do that. I didn't even check out Project RunGay for some funny bitchy commentary. I did, however, watch the rerun of the last half of last week's episode before this one.

Week 1 Delayed Reaction Review:

• Still hate Hippie Lady. I seriously can't stand her and her crazy spacey bullshit. She's like some unbearable Lupe/Angela/Vincent hybrid that I want to push off a balcony. Her dress? I don't care. She could make the greatest garment in the history of Project Runway, and I'd still hate it.
• Chicago Museum Guy's suit looked really well made. I don't even completely loathe the weird business in the buttock area. I might just wear the hell out of that.
  
• The Former Model's garment isn't as 1980's as I originally thought. But can you blame me? A gold lame top with prominent shoulders. Still, don't like it.
• Sweet P calls it a "happy dress"? Is that like someone calling their kid "special"? Seriously remedial. It looks like a pillow case that had shoulder straps attached to it.
  
• Straight Guy, your dress looks super cheap and extra assy. And that's even if you took away the weird silver thing over the abdomen.
• Hat Guy's dress was just a big mess.
  
• Not Sweet P and Other Woman made dresses that tread a fine line between sort of ugly and totally boring. No wonder I didn't remember them.
• PR!Frank and Pretty Boy made dresses that I rather like, despite the fact that both they had excessively poufy bows at the neck. Still, Frank's dress was a beautiful colour and looked--guh--expensive; and, Pretty Boy's dress was totally cute.
• I would've included New!Andrae's dress with those two for its cute-but-unremarkable status, but they totally called him out.
  
• Right Said Fred's dress is nice, and winner-ish, but there's something about the way the fabric was draped that totally embiggens his model on her right side. Seriously. Watch her walking the runway. Jiggling aside, it was unflattering in a non-specific way. Plus, the flower looked like my mother's fugly window treatments.
• That poufy-sleeved jacket by New Wave Boy is just so unappealing to me. Plus, I hate how his model was styled. The hair, the bronzer. Yarg.
• Korean Girl's dress is more appealing to me, because it seems like something I could realistically wear. Even the metallic flower isn't excessively offensive to me, because it looks almost abstract.
• The auf'ing of Sideswept Bangs seemed entirely justified, but still made me rage (see: Hippie Lady). Her dress was unremarkable, and if you can't finish something that basic, you have no business on this show.
  

Belly out. Boobies out. Damn

I heard that John Goodman was in rehab--real rehab. Like, the one where grownups go to take responsibility for their actions and get sober.--so, I feel slightly ill-at-ease mocking him.

Still, how can I let that go. His breasts are bigger than mine. Seriously, I'm going to go cry and eat a pint of gelatto after I finish writing this.

He always seemed to be flirting with morbid obesity, but I don't ever remember seeing those.

For a yellow-eyed gamey-smelling low life you really have quite a decent heart about you

or, "If You Don't Love David Letterman, You Hate America"




Seriously. Taunting a celebretard was good, but this is fucking awesome.

While the writers' strike shuts down The Late Show and the Late Late Show, both produced by Letterman's World Wide Pants, he's paying employees of both shows through the end of the year. The entire staff. Even the people who make less than the lowest-paid writers and will never get a penny in residuals. You know, the ones who are getting totally fucked by the strike?

Well done, Letterman, you rock.

Project Runway is back, y'all!

Okay, so I totally forgot about it until a couple days ago, but I'm sort of excited. ish. I'm sure it'll be good. First episode's on and there's new designers, new models, new challenges, and new sponsors to bitch about.

New designers (I'm sure I'll learn their names eventually):

• Former Lingerie Designer Guy - Jebus, we're less than 10 minutes in and he's already crying. Maybe he should be Andre V2.0. Still, I kind of like that he made the first semi-racist joke for me.
• Fatty Arbuckle That's too easy. Given the following comments, I rename him: PR's Frank - He reminds me of interior designer Frank from Trading Spaces. For real. Like, TS Frank 20 years younger. I also half expected him to produce something super-hideous based on his crazy costume designer background, but I actually liked his dress.
• Chicago Museum of Science and Industry Guy - Hey, I recognize you from last year's casting special! That said, I have no memory of what he made & it's too early to check Bravo's website for pictures (show's still on).
• New Wave Hipster Guy - Seriously don't get the big love for his design, but whatever. He was mildly amusing to me.
• Right Said Fred Guy - Didn't hate his design, but all I really remember is the colour grey and some uneven jiggly boobs. Will not make a "too sexy" joke. Guess it was too sexy for a bra. Damnit, that's not even funny.
  
• Korean Girl - I kind of liked her dress. It was black and didn't look like ass. That's really all I want in a garment. Still, don't play up the "Asian Girl is an Overachiever" thing too much. Seriously, don't chink out or I'll have to commit some yellow-on-yellow hate crime.
• Hippie Marionette Woman - Goddamnit I hate her so fucking much. When she said marionette, I wanted her to get auf'ed. When she started getting all Vincent-from-last-season crazy/spacey/retarded, I wanted her killed. Seriously, though, think back to the kooky/unbalanced contestants of past (Lupe, Vincent). Not only were they insanely annoying, they produced shit-ass garments every challenge.
  
• (Possibly-but-I-really-hope-not Token) Black Woman - Those modeling pictures? Smoking hot. And, she seems nice unlike a certain other African American female former-model with a thing for 80's-inspired fashion PR contestant. Her garment was some sort of fug, though.
  
• Punk Rawk Grrl - I have no real reaction, because I actually kept confusing her with...
• Sweet P - Yeah, I actually remember her lame-ass name. Only because she's, like, 20 years too old for that shit. Her garment? Don't remember a single thing.
  
• Guy Who Makes Sure to Tell Us He's Hetero - He looks like Santino from season 2. No matter how good he may (or may not) be, he's already tainted.
• The Rest - There were some other contestants like, Woman With Side-Swept Bangs and Dark Brows, Guy Who Looks Like "Beauty" Guy from Beauty and the Geek, and Guy in a Hat. Seriously don't remember a damn thing other than that.
  

Okay seriously, why the fuck do the contestants act surprised when they're instantly given the first challenge? The first season, I understand. The second season, maybe some of them didn't see the show. These guys? If any of them don't know that they'll 1) probably have to use seriously sub-standard materials at some point; 2) have a retarded group challenge early on; or, 3) be given some big "surprise" twists that make a challenge harder should be cut. With a rusty butcher knife.

Models, this is a contest for you as well... Except, not so much. And, Heidi didn't say that yet. Given that the runway portion--you know, the part where we can see the actual garments--has been cut down significantly over the past three seasons, I don't get much from the models. Good walkers, bad walkers, bitches that are fierce, a "plus size" model thrown in for reasons that confound me (this isn't America's Next Top Model, damnit. You aren't trying to make some half-assed "point" about something). Who knows what the hell is out there. Remember season 1 when the models sort of had personalities? Ahh, good times.

Judges! Some people might miss having Tim Gunn on their TVs, but I feel like my life just isn't complete without Michael Kors. He's the alarmingly orange bitchy gay uncle I've always wanted.
Guest judge... um, your name is familiar, but that's all I've got.
Wait a sec, they're all orange. M-Kors, Heidi, Nina!Garcia, even Tim Gunn. What the fuck? Is carcinoma the new black?

Anyway, first episode's almost over. There'll be more on the outcome later. I have to re-watch to figure out who I like. I already know who I hate. And, more importantly, I know that I won't ever be buying from L'Oreal or Bluefly again because their commercials are so skull-fuckingly annoying.

Good vs Bad

Good:

• FreeRice.com - [Insert your own Asian joke at my expense here.] Done? Okay, good. Now that we've all had a good laugh, you should seriously check this site out. If you're anything like me, you're some sort of nerdy liberal bleeding heart and, thus, this site should appeal to you immensely. It's simple: You play a simple little vocabulary building game and for each answer you get right, 10 grains of rice are donated to the UN World Food Program. For free. Come on, put that high school education to use. Kill some time at work, make your AP English teacher proud, and help some starving people. Besides, there's always the potential for amusing stuff like this:

The correct answer is "Mirror". Who knew.



• Pac Gentleman - A steampunk version of the classic Pac Man arcade game. I read the post about this on Geekologie at work, and it cracked me the hell up. While I'm not a huge Pac Man fan, I do love a ghost with a bushy handlebar mustache. If Pac GentleMan had a pair of mutton-chop sideburns to go with the bowler hat, I'd be headed off to Santa Cruz to try and steal that thing.

• William Shatner & James Spader on Boston Legal - I'm not entirely sure how this show ended up on my Netflix cue, but I've found it surprisingly enjoyable. I'm about to start the third season, and while my interest began to wane around the middle of the second, I will gladly return to watch the love story between Captain Kirk and James Spader play out. You just know they're dying to settle down in a marriage that may or may not still be legal in the state of Massachusetts.
  



• Red Lipstick- My makeup inventory--Yes, I keep an inventory in Excel. Shut up.--indicates that I have 34 different red lipcolours. It's 34 out of approximately 178, so I'm not sure if it's a significant percentage. At any rate, I've decided to wear a different one every day and write a quick review, which may some day be used as blog fodder. I'm 8 days in and haven't had any duds yet.
  

Bad:

• Top 40 Radio - I'm not sure if that's what it's actually called these days--Jebus, I'm getting old--but, it's what they play at work. All day long. 8.5 hours straight. Fregie. Gwen Stefani. American Idol contestants. All make me want to drive a pen through my skull. The most grating, however, is that Colbie Caillat song, "Bubbly". They play it an average of once an hour, and every time I want to punch the radio. If I didn't have to hear that insipid crap so goddamn much it wouldn't inspire this level of rage. I blame radio for playing it constantly just as much as I blame her for sucking so hard.



• Heroes - JebusBuddahAllah, this show is moving slowly. I know it's only the sixth episode, and I'm sure last season was moving at roughly the same pace, but damn. At least last season I was interested in the characters and it felt like they were actually moving toward some end. This time I can barely force myself to pay attention. Hiro's in 17th century Japan; Peter's in Ireland with amnesia; Parkman and Mohinder are settling down to start a family; Claire's family is hiding out in Southern California; Sylar's back; and there are a whole bunch of new heroes. So much shit could be going down, but any progression is occurring at a monumentally slow pace. Maybe this is my problem, but I don't watch a show about fucking superheroes to see things that are neither super or heroic.

• Daylight Savings Time - I drove to work in bright-as-hell sunlight and drove home in the dark. This sucks. There are way more pedestrians and bicycles to potentially hit at 5:30 pm than there are at 7:00 am. Fuck the farmers, I don't want to accidentally commit vehicular manslaughter.
  

It's Hammer!

I've been distracted lately, what with the Barney's GWP and Saks Beauty Week; not to mention the new job. It's hard work ordering huge amounts of makeup, and then having to go to work to pay it off.

Anyway, I just saw the trailer for Finishing the Game at FilmDrunk, and had to post it here. It looks amusing, but I'm approaching with cautious optimism.

In the plus column:

• Writer/director Justin Lim's debut was the highly enjoyable Better Luck Tomorrow.
• It's not a bunch of Asians chinking it up for your amusement.
• Breeze Loo and Colgate Kim. You just know that those names were probably actual stage names some Asian actors used in the 70's.
  
• Did I mention Hammer?

In the minus column:

• Writer/director Justin Lim's previous film was Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.
• There is a potential for the film to repeatedly fall back on "they all look alike" jokes. You know there's going to be at least one.
• 1970's kitsch can get fucking annoying.
• Jebus fucking Christ, Hammer? Deep down, I feel like that's a bad sign.

Still, should the limited release make it to my town, I will absolutely go and check this out.

Woooo!

nataliedee.com

New job starts tomorrow. I wish I had found this graphic earlier, so I could've worn it on a t-shirt all week. Strangely, the person in that graphic, with her dark, beady eyes, black hair, and big, round head, looks a lot like I do without glasses.

On a side note, I stumbled onto NatalieDee via linkage on another blog (damnhellassbitch if I can remember which one). You should all check it out, as well as its sibling comic/blog things, Married to the Sea and Toothpaste for Dinner.

The Final Countdown

I'm getting a new job. It's slightly less money, but with none of the insane overtime hours--randomly having to come in on Saturday and Sunday. Plus, it's a completely new position at a different, and better, company.

Friday is my last day, and after over three years, I'm definitely ready to move on. Still, there's a little trepidation. I'm going to have to start getting up early in the morning again to get to work. I might be there for a week and decide it's totally boring. I'll probably end up gaining a million pounds working a desk job with a well-stocked snack cabinet.

Most frighteningly, I'll be working with a group of people who may not appreciate my, um, bluntness. After spending the past three years basically being able to say whatever offensive, obscene thing that popped into my head, I'm actually going to have to censor myself. How the hell am I supposed to survive when I can't call all white people "Cracker", or imply that male co-workers are gay, or casually address people as "Bitch"? I'm really going to make a concentrated effort of it, but I can only hold out for so long.

So far, my plan is to bring cupcakes or brownies the first day to butter them up. I figure some homemade baked goods will temporarily fool them into thinking that I'm not some sort of crazy, potentially violent bitch. It worked for Martha Stewart, after all.

An open letter to Burger King

Dear Burger King,

Of all the fast food restaurants I have access to, you are my favourite. Your Chicken Whopper, with its lettuce and tomato and alleged flame broiled goodness, allows me to pretend I'm having something moderately healthy with my french fries. You stock CocaCola, the greatest of all the colas. Your mascot, the King, is creepy in a sort-of-amusing way, not a creepy-might-be-a-child-molester way; and, your ads never featured a boy band.

To top it off, you have the best toys. Not just cheap plastic figures, but actual toys. And watches. I love watches. I can remember begging my mom to go to Burger King for Jurassic Park or Nightmare Before Christmas or Simpsons watches, and more often than not being turned down. Now, I've reached the age where I can go to a fast food restaurant for toys if I damn well please, and you know I do.

Case in point: I saw an ad pimping the Simpsons Movie talking figurines and, within minutes, was in my car headed to the nearest Burger King for a Kids Meal. Imagine my shock when I left the drive through and found a Furby toy in my bag. Furby? What the fuck? First, those things are fucking scary. Second, that has to be at least three years old. They shouldn't even be in the store any more.

I figured that this was an isolated incident--assuming that the toys were available since the movie's premiere, it's logical that they might be temporarily sold out.

I tried another location a few days later and, once again, no goddamn Simpsons toy. Instead, I got some sort of Chicago Bears thing. Again, I ask: What the fuck? Why the hell would something like this be in a Kids Meal? How is a child going to play with that?

You bitches had to have known that Simpsons toys would be massively huge sellers. In addition to the children who would normally be getting said toys in their Kids Meals, there are plenty of fanatical adult Simpsons fans who'd be looking for these. Now, it seems, neither group is getting their toys. I can handle missing out on a Mr. Burns figure, but I can't even begin to imagine the temper tantrums that go on when a 7-year-old pulls a fucking model of a football jersey out of his bag.

Nice work guys. Instead of giving small children the correct toys in their Kids Meals, you're selling them in bulk to people who put them on eBay.

You guys suck.

Love,

Kjhymn

Wait. What?

• Siegfried and Roy are coming out. The biggest surprise is that two people who project the flamboyant gayness of a million Liberaces ground up and molded into a giant Paul Lynde actually think they need to come out.
  

• A sequel to Ferris Bueller's Day Off? I know people love that film, but for the love of Gawd, why? This is at least as alarming as the news of a fourth (!) Jurassic Park. For fuck's sake, movie people, stop making sequels.

• I was ridiculously pleased by the news of a Justice League movie, but the whole "We're using that creepy motion capture animation" thing is just wrong. Why miss out on the opportunity to have Jewish Superman and Batman: Patrick Bateman Edition in the same movie?
  

• I saw the trailer for Dragon Wars a couple months ago, but watching it again recently, I've come to the conclusion that it might just kick ass. Yes, the Sci-Fi Original Movie-grade cgi is pretty cheesy. But, it's a whole bunch of dragons fighting each other in modern-day Los Angeles. Or Seoul. Or Seoul posing as Los Angeles.
  

I will be spending my weekend hunting down the Dominique Cohen for Target collection.
This necklace with the black bow pendant as well as some of the beaded pieces are on my "to buy" list.

Me Wantee: Brune & Woehlke Jewelry

I have no idea if this stuff is actually for sale anywhere or if it's all just on display in art museums to be coveted by people like me, but I am deeply in love with, like, everything on their website.

I saw the Sex Rings on Scanner this morning (the "At the Office" model is my personal pick), but I love the whimsical Animal Kingdom collection with stuff like this pig ring and the squirrel necklace.

Also awesome are the Nobel Silicone and Parabol collections, which look like the jewelry of the future as envisioned in the 1950's. And, I mean that in a good way.

Florian Brune and Nina Woehlke, the pair behind these kickass accessories are based in Duesseldorf, Germany. So, if anyone's headed to that part of the world, feel free to grab me a Double Parabol ring or the Monkey Sommerlinge.

Spotted: The Jesus Car

If you spend enough time in my home town, you will eventually see or at least hear about the Jesus Car.

Click the picture to see a bigger picture & have fun deciphering the crazy crap all over this thing. The shit across the grill is backwards so drivers spotting this in their rearview can share in the crazy.

This motorized eyesore is a black station wagon covered in religious slogans, anti-abortion rhetoric, and other crazy crap. There are speakers mounted on the roof, and sometimes you can actually hear its message of crazy Christian morality.

Nobody seems to know much about the Jesus Car or it's driver, Jesus Car Guy. I first saw the car about 20 years ago. I was a child in the back seat of my parents' car. We were on the freeway when we rolled up on the Car; crazy graffiti all over, speakers blaring. I suspect the car was in its infancy then, as neither of my parents were sure of what the fuck they had seen.
Over the years, I'd occasionally spot it downtown or by the lakefront. But, really, it was pretty rare and I never gave it much thought.

It wasn't until I moved into my current neighborhood--a trendy liberal gay-friendly region of the city--that I started seeing the Jesus Car all the time. I'd run out to buy cigarettes, and it would go driving past. I'd be coming home from work, and it would be parked in front of Walgreens. I'd drive to the grocery store, and there it would be hanging with the abortion protesters and their giant fetus pictures.

So, now I have to wonder: What the hell is this guy's deal? Does he actually think he's accomplishing something, or is he just nuts? Has it been the same guy and the same car for the past 20 years? And, most importantly, when he dies does it mean the end of the Jesus Car?
Until then, I will continue to watch for the Jesus Car, and attempt to snap more photos so that it can be seen in all its creepy glory.

Also spotted recently: The Jebus Car. Just a regular car with a vanity license plate that says Jebus.

Alfonso's Breakin' and Poppin' Book

Well done, Alfonso. However, the Centipede, the Wave, and the King Tut have nothing on the Carlton.

Smart piggy. Oink oink.

Yes, more Christopher Walken.

If Christian Bale kills Russell Crowe

I will declare 3:10 to Yuma best movie ever.



Seriously, I'm not a western fan, and the trailer doesn't actually do much for me. But, if Christian Bale shoots Russell Crowe while talking about 80s pop music, and then sits down and lights a cigar and watches him bleed to death, I will buy this movie on DVD and give a copy to every one I know.

I'm not sure what's stimulating this: My love for Christian "Patrick Batman" Bale or my inexplicable contempt for Russell Crowe. I can't think of a single one of Russell Crowe's films that didn't make me want to punch him in the face with a brick.

And while I love this, it totally doesn't count.

Everybody doesn't like something, but nobody doesn't like Christopher Walken

Several years ago, Christopher Walken was talking about his desire to host a cooking show. I remember him mentioning it on Conan, and the editors of the British movie magazine, Hot Dog, were lobbying to have said show produced in the UK.

Apparently, he and Julian Schnabel actually created a cooking show for Split Screen on cable network, IFC. But, it appears to have been a one-time thing--and it's not out on DVD, damnit.

Seriously, though, who the hell wouldn't watch that? Even if he was just making peanut butter & jelly sandwiches every week, it would be the greatest cooking show ever.

Well, we may be in luck. Eight years after I first heard about it, Walken seems to be lobbying for his own cooking show in the form of a three-minute video that's all over teh internets. It looks like it was filmed in his kitchen with a camcorder, and it's just a straightforward piece on cooking a chicken and pears. No dancing, no craziness, no cowbell. Just cooking.

"Those little caps. They get like little cookies. They're very tasty."



I would watch this show every day.